MARCHING ON

We are only halfway into March, but I feel that this has been the best month thus far! It has been a flurry of events with birthdays, meet ups, and Kingdom Invasion, and I'm treasuring every moment. Thankful for the friends that I get to spend time with, and the exposure I get to receive that comes with work.

Working on a cardboard box during KI.

To be honest, KI has stretched me to the max. At the end of that week, I returned home dead beat and fell into a comatose the moment my body touched the bed. I didn't even get a chance to remove my makeup or shower or anything. And then I had to rush straight out of the house the next day.

But the stress pumped me up and put me to the test. Covering KI on the go really was a challenge. I'm flanked by my own inadequateness, yet so inspired by others. I hope I somewhat levelled up in terms of my work performance after the conference haha.

I was also very privileged to be able to go backstage and be a part of the bustle. It was so amazing to see how everyone worked together for a greater purpose. It reminded me that we are all part of a greater collective :') God is moving in Singapore, and I'm very fortunate to witness the process as He moves.

I was even invited to observe as the media team interviewed Bill Johnson, whut.

You know, I'm not the most excited person for the future, and I'm pretty sure I'll return to my state of ennui very soon. I'll have to pray for a zealous faith, but for now, I'll be looking forward to what the future has in stall :)

KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS

The world can be a nasty place
You know it, I know it
But we don’t have to fall from grace
Put down the weapons you fight with
And kill 'em with kindness

For the past few months, I've been struggling to love certain people whom I have to face regularly. I look at these people and wonder why do they have to act the way they do, why they have to treat people the way they do.

I understand that people may have past hurts, but that doesn't justify their actions. It's worse when they know their faults, but (seemingly?) don't do anything about it. I feel indignant for the rest, and I can't help but lose respect for such people. It makes me hard to think the best of them, or in other words to love them.

I know my responsibility lies not in changing them but changing myself, and so I've been praying for God to teach me how to love and how to dispense undeserved grace. It hasn't been easy, but I've been trying.

Somehow, the beginning of Feb was the breaking point. Nothing big happened – it was nothing compared to past experience – but I suppose all it takes is a small spark to set the bomb off when you're already so laced with explosives.

I told God I can't do this anymore. Loving people who are difficult to love is hard, and I'm exhausted. It seems like I'm the only one who's even trying and I've come to the end of my trying. I mean, I even prayed for myself! It sucks when you know the other party is doing something wrong but does nothing about it and here you are thinking of ways of how you can change.

Walao, doesn't make sense leh.


Yet there was still a nagging voice in my head. Was I being judgemental? Was I not being loving? I googled terms like "how to judge and love", "how to love someone you can't respect" and "how to love difficult people".

Many articles came up with principles I already knew – Pray for myself, pray for the person, intentionally build a friendship, yada yada. Hello? I've been doing all of that but it didn't work??

But then I came across this sermon (part 1 and part 2).

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

I know it doesn't make sense to be nice to people who don't deserve it. What if they take it for granted? What if they step all over you? But that's the thing. When has Christianity ever makes sense? The ways of Jesus has always run counter to the ways of the world. And that's why loving people who are difficult to love is a hallmark of a disciple of Christ.

How, then, do we go about loving them? Ephesians 4:1-3 and Colossians 3:12-14 give us an idea. Gentleness. Humility. Patience.

1. Humility

"That difficult person, I want you to let the picture of them come to your mind. Do you know why you have to deal with them in humility? Because down deep you have this sense that they are inferior to you."

2. Patience

"Love is macrothumos (patient). It is - take a long time. You know what it means? It means you put up with a lot. It means you endure a lot. It means you tolerate a lot. Who has been the most patient with us? Christ! And He says, “Model that.”

It means you set appropriate boundaries. Those are boundaries. And I set it lovingly, firmly, and forcefully. I wasn’t going to let Bob ruin my life. That’s not loving him. That’s nuts.

But once you set appropriate boundaries, you hang in there and you are patient with them in the same way that God is patient with you.

In a sentence, it’s refuse to allow your irritation and frustration to erupt into negative thoughts and feelings and comments to or about them. That’s what it means to be patient."

3. Gentleness

And lastly, though my lesson on gentleness was not learnt through this sermon a quote from shereadstruth.com stood out to me when I was doing their devotions a few days ago.

"We also know from Scripture that being kind is much more powerful than just being nice. Romans 2:4 tells us that God’s kindness leads us to repentance. In other words, kindness has the power to transform. It is not weak, it does not ignore, it does not push things under the rug. Kindness can change our own lives and the lives of those we love."

The world tells you that you lose out if you're kind. But in God's terms, kindness is a weapon. And when we wield it with patience and humility, we will be able to penetrate into the deepest of souls like God does.



You know, while the application points learnt from the sermons and devotions are useful, what I truly gained out of this experience is a better understanding of my identity in Christ. Tbh, I have been living like a beggar – constantly worried that I'm being taking advantage of if I'm too nice. But God reminded me that I'm a child of God. I have access to God's unlimited resources! Why do I live as a pauper when I am a princess?

I don't have to worry about giving away my love and compassion without expecting others to give them back in return – I have them from my Father God! I can freely give my love and patience to people because I am first and foremost infinitely loved :)

WRAPPING UP

2017 has been an incredible year and although there were many changes/transitions, I can see God’s hands in it as I look back and reflect.

One of the bigger changes this year is my relationship status. While most of the other changes were anticipated, this was definitely not something I had planned for. In fact, there’s still quite a lot of uncertainties - the constant process of unlearning and relearning what love means. I’m someone who likes to know everything before making an decision (I never fail to plough through online reviews before buying an item) so not being able to understand something fully is unsettling for me. But I’ve learnt that the process is also a lesson, instead of being anxious and wanting to rush to the end.

Hehe so cute *v*

Which is also why I’ve decided that I won’t post our love story and my experience being in a relationship until and unless I’m about to get married. I know I promised I’ll write it previously because I believe that this kind of sharing can help others in their decision making process, but I think there’s also wisdom in waiting it out.


The second biggest transition would be my transition from a full time student into a full time minister. To be honest, I was worried that I’ll be stuck working in ministry forever when I first accepted my job. I wanted to go outside and enjoy the world too! I know that there are people who changed to a marketplace career from a ministry job, and I supposed I was unconsciously hoping for that (not that it’s unbiblical), but i can hardly say the same thing right now.

One of my colleague’s friend was hospitalised recently and might die anytime due to his condition. Our boss, without a pause, allowed her to take a few days off just to be with the friend. When the patient’s other friends saw how frequently she was in the ward, they asked, “Don’t you have work to do?”

She replied, “I work for the souls of men. It’s my privilege to be here.”

Time and time again I’m mind blown by the weight of the responsibility that God has given us. I’m so thankful to be where I am right now, and I can only say God knows us the best. He knows what He’s doing even when He calls us into the unknown, no matter how scary and mysterious we think it is.

Through work, I’ve also rekindled my friendship with HH.

Not sure if you guys know but there was a period of time me and HH were very close! She’s literally the second person next to YX that I feel 100% at ease with. Unfortunately, we drifted apart due to our circumstances, but we are now able to sow on this friendship once again because of our circumstances haha (we are colleagues, and in fact it was because of her that I landed myself a job at Thir.st).

We even won a phone each from our company’s lucky draw hahah.

The last major change in 2017 is the change of LG. I’m quite privileged to be surrounded with many lao jiaos because I’m able to discuss many things with them, and get trusted valuable advice. I was quite touched how they care for my friends too - be it enfolding visitors, or praying for my friends. They are really an encouragement to me :’)

Not everyone is in the photo though :(

That pretty much sums up my 2017. Laced in between was of course other blessings eg parents coming to Church, making new friends, Hillsong conference and many others :D Not sure how 2018 will top 2017, but we shall see. TYJ! 🙌🏼

THE REASON I LIVE

So here, I bow, to lift You high
Jesus, be glorified
In all things, for all my life
I am Yours, forever Yours

God here, and now, be lifted high
Right here, and now, be glorified
God of heaven and earth
God who brought me back to life
I am Yours, forever Yours

PODCAST

In an attempt to hone my writing skills, I have been stalking the Modern Love column on The New York Times. It is a column where lay people all around the world write in their love stories and let me tell you that by no means are these of lousy quality. They are excellently crafted and I'm trying to learn new and better ways of communicating emotions from them.

The bad news is, you're entitled to access only 10 free Modern Love articles per month.

The good news is, they have a station on podcast and you're free to listen to as much stories as you want. They are recited by actors who engage in voice acting so that it doesn't sound dull and dreary. They even factored in BGM and ambience sounds hahaha.

I've never quite liked podcast because I didn't really see the point. But I realised it's an extremely useful tool because you can fish for many informative lessons. Nowadays, I don't really listen to music (actually I don't really blast music unless I'm working). Instead, I'll tune in to my subscribed podcasts when I'm commuting so that I'm still absorbing information during my "free" time.

Here are some of my favourite love stories so far. Can't embed it so I'll just slot in the links.

• Manic pixie dream girl
• Flowergate
• Just don't call me mom

Other stations I subscribed to are John Piper's Look At The Book and Ask John Piper.

If you have podcast on your phone (all iPhones do), I highly recommend you to play around with it. And do let me know if you know of any useful stations - either on good writings or theological studies!

CHASING SUNSETS

Been blessed with glorious skylines while travelling back home this week 😌

Annnnnnd, I have officially started work for a month! There were a few ups and downs but im gonna proclaim that the devil shall not steal away my joy from my work :) Been praying for a change in perspective and a heart of gratitude these few days and I have even started a bullet journal lol. Wanted to keep track of the things learnt and the thanksgiving received throughout the month because it's so easy to lose sight of our blessings amidst our busyness.  Let's hope I can keep up with this and see where my artistic talents, if any, take me. Wheeee ✈️

COUCH POTATO

It's 11.03 right now and I am home munching on a packet of potato chips. I finished the final exam of my entire life today and this marks the unofficial end to my uni life. I dont know what to feel. I mean it feels just like any other day. As i reflected briefly on the last 4 years, the only regret i have is that i should have let my hair down more. I wished i had led a more exciting uni life but oh well, it's been alright. It's not like i particularly enjoy living anyway, shrugs.

What i am looking forward to though is what i'm gonna plan to do post-uni life. I'm going to create a list here and check back again next week to see my progress.

1. Read 2 books a month
Ok, I know i haven't been doing my book reviews (the last of which was in October) but I have been reading. The good news is, I completed Counterfeit God and PS I Love You amongst other titles which i think are inappropriate to share right now. But as for the 2 books, i would say speed read through Counterfeit God and skip PS I Love You (sorry Y but really, there are waaaaaaaay better romance books out there).

I've always wondered how Tracy never fail to be able to find a story from the bible related to the message that she's preaching and i realised it all boils down to an expansion of exposure to expository Christian writings. Therefore, I am going to try to build up my knowledge of the bible by doing in-depth research. To balance things out, I will also read a non-Christian book of my choice. I have a growing list of novels I want to read and it's high time i start striking them off.

Target for the remaining month of April: To finish off Spiritual Leadership (LOL I have been reading this since Sept but in my defence it is a book that requires you to reflect rather than just consume and go) and Panic (this one worse, I think i started it 3-4 years ago and am only halfway through).

2. Finish Pastor Benny Ho's Revelation Sermon Series
This is a complete joke. The entire series comprises of 7 CDs and while i was watching the 3rd or 4th one, the CD got stuck in my macbook and it remained there for nearly a year. I had every intention to just leave it in until my dad managed to pry it out and now i can finally resume this series.

Target for the remaining month of April: To finish the series.

3. Watch shows
13 Reasons Why
Black Mirror
The Liar and His Lover

Ok let's just cap it at there because the list will just go on if i were to state everything down.

4. Spend time with my grandmother
I'm just gonna stay over at her house and achieve my above targets. Killing 2 birds with 1 stone woohoo. And also to potentially learn cooking from her too. She's my favourite chef everrrrrr :D

5. Resume my once a week exercise/sports
*Cries*

6. Reflect and blog more
I have been getting random thoughts in my head and i jotted some of them down on my phone. Time to start expounding on them.

Alright that's it. Let's hope i can achieve at least 1 & 2 by the end of the month. Bye bye BYEEEE!

A FATHER'S LOVE

My father peeked into my room, "I'm going to buy dinner. What do you want? Hokkien mee?"

I looked up from my laptop and considered for a while. Then I shook my head, "I want roasted meat rice with char siew. The one from the famous stall."

Off he went. He came back 30 min later. We started to eat our dinner together.

"The famous stall closed down already. I bought roasted meat from another place."

"Harrrrrr..." I made a face and took my first bite. I could already tell the difference. I looked over to my father's dinner. Suddenly his Hokkien mee looked so much more delectable. My chopsticks went over to his plate.

"I went rock climbing today," I told him. The noodles tasted sour. He hadn't properly mixed the lime.

"Mmm," he replied gruffly. He started mixing the noodles.

"I got baluku," I raised my knees to show him the glory of my battle wounds. "But it was very fun!"

"Hmph."

In between mouthfuls of my dinner, I continued to take his noodles.

"Have you rock climbed before?" I tried again.

No, he answered. And then silence once more.

I had finished most of my dinner by then. Only some rice was left. Seeing that the conversation was going nowhere and I had finished the nice portions of my dinner, I decided to take my leave.

"You don't want the rice?" My father asked.

"Don't want. Cause not nice."

Wordlessly, he took my packet over and pushed his noodles toward me.

"But papa, no more meat. I finished them all."

He shooed me with his free hand and scooped the rice into his mouth with his spoon using the other. I picked up my chopsticks and began to dig into the fried noodles once more.

My dad may be a man of few words but his love for me roars through his actions and is deafeningly loud. Thank you daddy, for always pulling my heartstrings in your own special way :')

INSECURE

The word felt foreign on my tongue as I verbalised it out. An unsavory taste lingered on.

You know, I never thought I had to use that word to describe myself. There were times I felt lacking, sure. But insecure? Never crossed my mind. Insecure is a word to describe people who over-excel because they want to prove their worth. That's not me. I don't try to excel. I just want to be average. I don't want to stand out. I just want to blend in.

But the irony is this: my insecurity is the precise reason why i caged myself within the iron-clad comfort zones of mediocrity that i've built. I refuse to step out so that i will never have a chance to feel insecure. I avoid setting high expectations because I don't want to get disappointed and feel lousy. And i don't want people to notice me because I'm afraid they will try to pull me out of my rut if they do.

So you see, just because your insecurities don't get a chance to manifest doesn't mean that you don't have them.

Insecurity comes about when there is a misplacement of trust - especially trust in ourselves. Because there will be times when we fail. And insecurity results from the fear of such occasions where our weaknesses show through and we get exposed that we are not who we portray ourselves to be.

But I can be secure in Christ if i truly understand what I have is not from myself but from God. Because if i truly understand it, the proper reaction is gratitude. When you are thankful, you stop comparing. And if i truly understand it, successes and failures wont define me because they all belong to God anyway. It doesn't point to me. It doesn't add to me. And consequently, it doesn't subtract from me either.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

I hadn't realised this before but my insecurity spilled over into so many areas of my life: Work/studies. Friendships. Faith. I won't go into details because the entire journey of me reaching this point of awakening is sooooooooooooooooooooo long. Instead, I will cut straight to the post-awakening zone. This is my camp reflection and resolution for 2017 (i knowwwww i took such a long time to write this post not because i procrastinated but because it was so hard for me to formulate my words): The boundaries that I've been keeping to may feel safe and comforting. But I'm stepping out.

With lots of fear and trembling.

But I'm stepping out.

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

:')

GRUMPY.

Today's the eve of eve and my boss gave us a half day off!!

But guess what? I slept the day away lol. I was like yeah, i'll just take a quick nap. Don't need to change into my pyjamas because i'll need to grab lunch from downstairs later. And the next thing i knew, it was 5 pm already HAHA. But i guess it's ok... i needed it. I feel like i have been sleep-deprived for the longest period of time.

Anyway, i was so happy with the day off! Free time is so precious to me now because now i can do the things i want need to do like:

• pack my room (the state it is in is crazy)
• read my book (i have not read a single thing since holiday started)
• watch my shows (crime scene! 1LOT! Movies!)
• clear my youtube subscriptions
• buy my postage stamps and mail out my letter (procrastinated for 2 weeks already. Christmas is over by the time it reached the recipient).
• try on and wash my new clothes

And and...

HOW IS THERE SO MUCH THINGS TO DO THAT EVEN MY PRECIOUS FREE TIME IS NOT ENOUGH TO COVER IT UP?!

I knew it. I shouldn't have slept 😒.

I need more free days.



Update: Good news. I managed to do a bit of everything and cleared the important ones. Even tried to watch Crime Scene with my mom although she kept falling asleep. I think our tastes in shows are too different. She's dismissive of all my choices that I recommended her. Humph. I am also thankful for the home cooked dinner tonight. I have been so busy this entire holiday that it is safe to say i ate my grandma's food more frequently than my mom's. And my mom prepares dinner almost every day whereas i only see my mama once a week ok. I did not realise how much i miss my mom's cooking until i took the first bite - and she is NOT awesome at culinary. I guess there's just something about home made meals that comfort you. Tonight turned out pretty alright (although i wish that someone would invent a machine that will fold your clothes for you). I am no longer grumpy, yay! :)

It's the eve now. 23 more hours to Christmas.

BRAIN DEAD

I wonder if holidays can be divinely planned. I always seem to have a getaway planned every time things turn rough so that i can escape from reality and people for a few days. The past week has been overwhelming. So many new information, so many new crisis, so many new challenges. Yet, there always seem to be something for me to do, to coordinate, to occupy my mind and thus I have been ignoring my thoughts and emotions and it's still all inside of me now, suppressed and messy.

I am going to make sure that I find time to seek God and attend to myself in my upcoming family trip. I already have a list of items that i need to reflect, sort out and ask God to help me make sense of LOL. Praying that i will come back feeling refreshed and my burdens lifted up to God.

On a side note, thank God for Audrey Assad's voice 😍.

HYMNS

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise. 

Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee. 

Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee. 

Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose. 

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne. 

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee. 

// 

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light. 

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one. 

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power. 

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art. 

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

We wanted to sing carol songs in light of the Christmas season in office on Friday but it somehow turned into a hymn sing along. Not complaining though because I got to sing my favourite hymn - Take My Life And Let It Be.

I first heard of this song last semester when J asked me to attend her choir lunchtime concert. The lyrics moved me so deeply that i began to tear. Both the imagery and the accompanying melody are so beautiful like, yes Lord, take it all. My hands, my feet, my mind, my lips. Everything I have is yours. Let everything i do be consecrated unto You.

We transited to the second song titled Be Thou My Vision. It was such a coincidence because i only discovered this song a few days back while doing a reading plan. The reading plan talks about having God's vision in everything we do and because of the song flow, the environment i was in and how the past week has been, the grander scheme of things just hit me. Worship that day found me humbled, convicted, ministered and reignited.

I suppose it was God's way of prepping me. Moments after the worship, things got ugly. Really, really ugly. You'd think i would have lost all faith based on track record. Yet somehow, there was this deep sense of reassurance within me that everything will be fine. This is God's work. If God is spearheading it, then nothing can stop it from coming to pass. I just have to look beyond the current situation and work hard at weeding out the entanglements.

Have faith and be humble. Help me to keep exercising these, Lord!

Also, check out Rend Collective's folk rendition of Be Thou My Vision here.

2 Kings 6:12 - 17

There once lived a great prophet named Elisha. The king of Aram sent his soldiers to capture him. Overnight, the army surrounded the city. When Elisha's servant saw what happened the next morning, he was alarmed. But Elisha looked at him and said, "Do not worry. Those who are with us are more than those who are with them," He prayed to the Lord to open the eyes of the servant, that he may see what was really happening. The servants eyes were opened. He saw horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

The army of God was with them.


It is so easy to look at the natural and despair. But a bad place to be is the best place where God can work His miracles. Lord, open my eyes of little faith so that i shall walk by faith and not by sight!

YOUR PRESENCE IS THE TRUE NORTH

Today is the start of my internship with Thir.st, an upcoming Christian website/e-mag. I thought this would be a good time to post about my testimony of how God is faithful even in times when I was faithless. Some of you may have heard this story from me but God has proven Himself yet again and therefore, there is a continuation to the story. I hope this testimony blesses and encourages you, wherever you are.

Part 1: The Call

When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses, Moses!" The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey." But Moses said to God, 

"Who am I, that I should go the Phraraoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

Few years back at a church conference, I responded to an altar call where I decided to use my blog to glorify God in the media sector. This led to many difficult decisions I had to make along the way. Decisions such as making this blog public, linking it to my social media accounts and even writing and imparting spiritual knowledge (rather than just mindless blabbering and personal sharing). The process was hard because it took out so much of me. Not just my time or my effort but me. Myself. I did not like the idea of people having access to parts of me - especially when I do not even know who the potential readers might be. Nevertheless, one can fight against the Holy Spirit for so long. I eventually died to self and linked my blog's URL to all my social media platforms. I started to post more spiritual content and even embarked on this #spiritualappetizer segment subsequently in order to honour my promise to God.

Part 2: The Rebellion

All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?" And they said to each other, 

"We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt."

And yet, for the longest period of time, I did not know what in the world i was doing. This mission of mine felt small and insignificant. I mean the readership isn't big since I generally try to keep a low profile so why in the world did God convict me to use my blog for a greater purpose? At this point I want to say that it was not that this space completely did not have any impact. But I felt that my sacrifice was so big that the result could not justify it at all. I know this is not the kind of attitude we should have; I was too focused on myself, too focused on my "loss" that I refused to see any gains that it reaped. My offering to God became an exchange. I thought to myself, "God I gave up so much of me... but what am I doing all these for? Where are the fruits? Where is the reward?"

And so, I began to wonder if my sacrifice was worth it at all.

Following that, there were many times I was faithless. I contemplated shutting down this space. I procrastinated on topics that God revealed to me. I mean, yeah I could argue that I was faithful because I did continue trudging on in the end. But it was a faithfulness that lacked faith. And any gift that lacked faith does not please God.

Part 3: The Providence

For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.

-
The Lord said to Moses,“I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God.'"

It felt like i was wandering around in the 'wilderness' for the past few years. Then some months ago, I caught up with HH. She randomly told me that the place she's working at was looking for writers. I decided to take up the challenge - partly because I had time and I thought why not use it wisely and partly because I wanted to be more disciplined in honouring God in the media sector. I felt that I would be more motivated (or like forced) to hone my skills and to write if I had a legitimate reason to.

I did not expect much - in fact I told HH I was willing to do this for free - because honestly I didn't have any related experience or qualifications. Even as I was preparing my "portfolio", I felt lost. I had nothing to show in the past few years that was related to writing except for my socio essays. I mean seriously!! HH then assured me that it was all very informal and that's when I decided to heck it and send in my #spiritualappetizers as my portfolio.

Long story short, I got the position as a contributor.

I initially did not think much about it but as the week passed, it started to sink into me that I got the position by the one thing I despised the most - my blog posts. Feelings began to bubble inside of me as I realised that God did not abandon me. For all the times I felt lost and aimless with what I was doing, God was there paving a way.

But that's not the end.

Part 4: The Promised Land

Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it.

-

So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. 

The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; 

the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; 

every one was fulfilled.

As they are a non-profit organization, they do not have the budget to pay for freelancers. This was fine with me as getting paid was not my main intention anyway. Along the way, one of my colleagues asked if i was interested to attend this writing course which will set me back by $300. I had a hard time deciding because i felt that if i wanted to pursue honour God with my writing, I should be investing my time and resources to build my skills up right? But i was financially tight. I had recently started sponsoring a kid, something that I wanted to do for quite some time. My allowance dipped right after i made the decision. So for the past few months, I had been living in deficit. I did question God for awhile. Like, omg why is this happening right now? I mean, it wasnt a drastic change but i definitely had to be more conscious about my expenditure otherwise my savings will deplete over time. Going for a workshop seemed out of the question.

Amidst all these, the boss of the company randomly contacted me for an interview as he wanted to extend an internship to me during my holidays. I headed down to chat with him and he offered me a good pay and was flexible to accommodate the other commitments i have. As i laid on my bed that night thinking about this matter, i suddenly got reminded of a prophecy that was spoken over me 2 months back. The person prophecised a lot of things (ridiculous things may i add) over me and throughout the entire experience, my eyebrows were furrowed in confusion because i had no idea how the things he said will ever come to pass. But out of respect, i just kept all the prophecies in my heart, noting the more immediate prophecies that i could test out. One of which was that i would start a new season in my life in mid November/ December.

If i were to take on the internship, i would be starting on 14th November (since that's when my semester officially ends as i do not have exams) and that is right smack in the middle of the month of November. My stint would only last till December since i will be starting a new semester in January. During my interview, i discovered that one of the main motivating factors of the company matches the area i had a soft spot for. And if i really took up the offer, i would be able to pay for the workshop and still have leftover which will cover for the past months that i had been dipping into my savings. The eerie thing was that if my previous job assignments hadn't been taken away from me, i would not be able to accept this internship due to conflict of schedule.

Everything simply... fell nicely into place.

Part 5: The Conclusion

In Exodus 33, God had enough of the Israelites' contempt and unfaithfulness. He told Moses that He would deliver them from their enemies and keep His promise of a land flowing with milk and honey but He will not be with them. In other words, they can have His promises, but not His presence. And Moses cried out, "If Your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here." Moses understood that God's promises without His presence are not worth having. He refused to take a step into the Promised Land if God wasn't with them.

Some of you may find yourself in a similar situation as i was right now. Perhaps you're looking for something from God in exchange for your offering. Or perhaps you feel like God had promised you something only to let you down. Perhaps you're praying to God for a sign of reassurance but to no avail. But if there's one thing that i've learnt throughout this entire process is that God never fails. Even in the darkest of nights where i could not see the path ahead; when i felt alone battling with doubts and anxieties; when i lost focus on the reason why i even do the things i do, He has always been by my side, leading me. We just need to continue to be faithful.

Honestly, I am not sure if the internship is the end the journey itself. Maybe there will be more, maybe this is it. Either way, I have learnt to not seek after what God can give but to trust and be contented in Him for He is a faithful Father who has never once abandoned us. To those whom He has entrusted, He has a plan. He is our compass. He is our guide.

Yes indeed, Your presence is the only assurance we need.

TGIF

It felt good when Thursday drew to an end because it means my week is officially over! This week has been a long and emotionally vexing week. I remember there was this particular day where i felt so stressed out that i kept praying for the bus to come so i could get home asap and fall into a deep sleep and not think about anything. I am so glad that the tough part is over and i can enjoy my weekend now :) Thank God for tiding me through and for friends who listened to my (partial) rantings haha.

Had an outreach session yesterday during LG. Street evangelism is something that i always dread, and when i had to do it, something i want to get it over and done with. But God reminded me what outreach was all about - ministering and meeting people at where they are. And when i finally understood this point, it went beyond giving people invitations and became an avenue where i can listen to their needs and pray for them. And yes, we managed (my team at least) to pray for almost everyone that we came across! It feels great to be able to bless someone :D

I had a great experience yesterday not because i managed to give out invites but because i felt that i was able to be who Jesus is to me to them.

I am going to share an article here that expounds on the core of evangelism. It encouraged me greatly and i hope it will do the same for you too.
https://bible.org/illustration/how-jesus-interacted-people

Also, i recently realised that our church has a spotify playlist for all the songs sang in the month!! I am listening to it right now and God is sending me happy vibes through the songs because it keeps playing praise songs!! I am not even kidding. It is on shuffle mode but upbeat songs keep flooding in. Hehe. Feeling blessed and loved ^^ Here are two oldies but goodies and definitely a great reminder of who God is to me through this week! :) Have a blessed week ahead everyone!

Song no. 1: You Are Good 

I want to scream it out
From every mountain top
Your goodness knows no bounds
Your goodness never stops
Your mercy follows me
Your kindness fills my life
Your love amazes me 

I sing because You are good
And I dance because You are good
And I shout because You are good
You are good to me to me 

Nothing and no one comes
Anywhere close to You
The earth and oceans deep
Only reflect this truth
And in my darkest night
You shine as bright as day 

Your love amazes me
With a cry of praise my heart will proclaim
You are good You are good
In the sun or rain my life celebrates
You are good You are good

Song no. 2: Promises 

Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me 

I surrendered my life to your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus my heart has been changed by you
I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth every day
Jesus my heart has been changed by you 

I couldn't walk away if I tried
'Cause your love is better than life 

Now the sun's shining bright
And it just wont set
'Cause your love is a light and it lights my step
My heart is amazed every day to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't forget about it

I'M BAAAAAACK

Not just physically, but spiritually as well.

I have this pattern whereby the frequency i blog is somewhat reflective of how well i am doing spiritually. The weeks leading up to my departure to Germany were not easy. Personal issues surfaced and so did my friends'. Holiday was my escape. I ran away from the things happening in Singapore. I had a 'reason' not to text people, not to reply to messages - not to read them, even. And truth be told, i wasn't just running away from my life. I was also running away from God. I felt that the burdens He had placed upon me were too much for me to shoulder. I was conflicted indeed. Part of me wanted to remain true to Him and the other part of me was just crumbling at the weight of it all. Break my heart for what breaks Yours? Sometimes I can barely breathe those words out when we belt out Hosanna (which btw, is one of the hardest song for me to sing and i am not talking about technicalities).

It was with such spirit that i flew to Germany and thereafter, Itay. There was one time i started tearing up because i thought about all the statues, paintings and relics i've seen on the trip and thought about how they were made as a worship unto God. The artists dedicated their lives creating such majestic art pieces as a reflection of their awe, wonder and adoration. And because of this devotion, God is glorified even centuries after their death. And it struck me what am I doing in my life that is of worship unto God? God is so great. But what am I doing to show His majesty in my life? That when others look at my life, they wonder who is this God that I serve and pledge my allegiance to?

And cue the waterworks.

I think God works wonders though. A friend who had no idea what was happening in my life texted me her QT which had Romans 12:1-2 as its anchor verses. It says:

A Living Sacrifice
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I am not going to go in depth into explanation but that 2 verses encapsulate what worshipping God looks like, why we should worship and how should we go about doing it. It cut deep in my heart and ministered to me. Right now, i am in a better position and ready to bounce back. But above all, i know how to protect myself from falling.

Thank you Jesus. You are truly worthy of it all.

主耶稣我爱你

Ever since the early days of Christian walk, learning to love my family (esp my mom) has been my struggle. You'd think it is only natural to love your mom but I could never display the same amount of affection as i have towards my grandma towards my mom. Part of it is because of family culture and the other part is because we are complete opposites - and i dont mean in a complimentary manner. I really cannot stand my mother's personality. If we were not a family, i dont think i would ever associate myself with her. She is literally a walking bomb that will trigger me to flare up anytime, anywhere.

I knew this was a problem since my poly days. I struggled very hard because i knew what a Christian should be like but it is so hard to be a salt and light at home when you are so comfortable that you become lax. I kept praying but to no avail until i entered uni and Pei showed me a teaching from Elevation Church. From then on, that teaching has been listed as my no. 1 teaching that influenced me big time (interestingly, i can't find it now and i dont remember the title!). Rather than just head knowledge, God spoke to me through my heart and subsequently i was able to grow in this area one bit at a time.

It is not always smooth sailing. Case in point, i got into a big fight with my mom a few weeks ago. Even though i apologised to her, i still find it hard to have any positive feelings towards my mom. I sound cold-hearted but who doesn't want to have a close and loving relationship with their mom? If i had a choice, i would also choose not to face this kind of trial in my life because i am equally frustrated and disappointed with myself every time i argue with her.

And here comes the crux of this post. Eric Moo came to our church for a Mother's Day special service in which he shared his experiences of God. Specifically, he testified how God intervened to kick off 3 of his addictions: smoking, drinking and gambling. The climax came when he related to us the back story of the song: 主耶稣我爱你. He told us that he composed the song on a casino cruise because he had shut himself in his room in order to distract himself from the temptation of gambling. I teared up when he was performing the song, i teared up yesterday night as i listened to the song once more and i am now tearing up as i play the song in the background while writing this post because in the midst of feeling beaten down, his story was an encouragement to me.

...

主耶稣我感谢你 你照亮了我平凡的生命
主耶稣我爱你 让我每分每秒和你在一起
主耶稣我仰望你 你带我走过每一个脚印
主耶稣我爱你 直到世界的尽头我也愿意
主耶稣我荣耀你 你流尽宝血换我的生命
主耶稣我爱你 如果没有你一切没有意义
主耶稣我荣耀你 你流尽宝血换我的生命
主耶稣我爱你 如果没有你一切没有意义
主耶稣我敬拜你 所有的赞美荣耀都归你
主耶稣我爱你 不会让你白白牺牲了自己
我感谢你 我仰望你 我荣耀你 主我爱你
主耶稣我敬拜你 所有的赞美荣耀都归你
主耶稣我爱你 不会让你白白牺牲了自己

This song that was created in resistance of temptation starts with "主耶稣" in every single sentence. It reminded me 2 things. 1) Jesus should be our focus in face of trial and temptation because he is the only motivation that will last a lifetime. 2) Jesus should be our reason for wanting to strive for a holier standard because he has given us so much. Listening to Eric Moo's testimonies also reminded me of the transforming power of Christ. I can overcome my bad habit of being rude to my mom and not be defined by my family culture or restricted by our differences.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:21-25

MARCHING ON

A playlist of my current favourite K songs to accompany this post. Click play! :)

March has been a month where i invested in people's lives. Not that i don't do so in the past but the kind of investment i am making this time round is different. My investment for this month is not in a traditional sense whereby you expect some returns from the investment but simply giving my time to do things that are more worthwhile. God purposely ushered people into my life and i deliberately reached my hand out. I got to spend time with so many friends and know them in a deeper level. I got to understand them, i got to take a step into their lives. It is only now that i recognise what privilege it is to be able to do so. Previously, i had just see it as a chore haha.

Celebrated Jolene's birthday with a huge feast.

Jess and I celebrated Jolene's 22nd birthday. We have now know each other for close to 3 years but it is only this month that i had deeper conversations with Jolene. God gave me opportunities to spend alone time with her and i told her honestly how i felt about our friendship and my desire for us to delve pass the superficial topics like school and dramas. And as we talked and shared about our lives, our views, our experiences, i felt that we opened up to each other and it was great :) I felt our friendship transited from being instrumental to intrinsic haha. Hopefully in the near future, i will have opportunities to do so with Jess as well. But! I think we did bond over doing manicure hahaha.

Getting pretty skilled at painting people's nails.

I caught up with old friendships this month as well. HY initiated a meet up and at first i was rather lazy to go (HAHAHAHA) but i got reminded how precious our friendship is through the meet up. Most times i take him for granted and forget that he really is a precious person God has placed in my life to be able to share ministry sorrows and exhilarations, for us to encourage and sharpen one another. I think our friendship has really come a long way. When i think back to the time when i was a fresh believer and he was my leader, to the times he shared vulnerably, to the times i cried, to the times when we laugh and make fun of each others' stupiak moments, to the times he invested in my life, to the times we invested in others' lives to now being able to support one another, i am very grateful to have such a friend who saw my spiritual journey from the very beginning :)

Rebecca

I recently got to know a lot of Koreans! Rebecca is someone i met thanks to Val and MX. They were approached by Korean missionaries in Singapore who held a small evangelistic event in NTU and i thought no harm going for the event. Got to know Rebecca from there who turned out that she will be doing exchange in NTU for the semester. She's such a cute dongseng hehehe.

I met Julie (& Shawn) in service. My lg had to sit on the last row as we were late and halfway through the worship, the usher plopped 2 people next to me and told me that there were visitors. I was quite surprised but decided to host them well throughout the service. Eventually, me and Julie exchange contacts and we kept in touch. I had such a great time talking about our lives/culture/faith that 2.5 hours whizzed by just like that! I felt so sad that i had to leave because i wanted to talk more hahaha. But i'll be meeting her again so that's awesooooooome!

Guess who took this photo lol.

So, XX and i did an Easter video for Campus Service. Honestly speaking, i was quite worried when we were editing the video. We were laughing like mad but i was quite sceptical if others would find it as funny as we do. I was reminded in Sec school when we would look at each other and know what we are thinking about (the situation) and laugh while our other friends would be asking "What's so funny?"

But i'm glad that NYC enjoyed the video nevertheless. And so thankful for all those who availed themselves. Really die to self leh, but i think we had a lot of fun!

Met Pong for shepherding this month as well and i just want to say that 1. So thankful for her to be so open about her life to me 2. and even more grateful at how she's been growing. I am so excited to see her grow in her spiritual journey and i know God has great, great plans for her :D

Anginn came back over Easter weekend as well. I was so happy to be able to spend time with her (albeit a short one) and simply talk. We exchanged ideas and theories of what we've learnt, roamed around Haji lane, got kidnapped by this shop owner to model for him (HAHAHA this is the most random thing everrrrr), went for Easter service and updated each other on our lives. I think i am liking one-to-one conversations a lot nowadays. It is so nice to just be able to chat and know one another on a deeper level.

Looking back, March has been a crazy month filled with meet ups with so many different people :O God really gave me a lot of opportunities to be a friend to others. What is common in all of these meet ups is that i get to share Christ to them. Not in the direct, in your face, come my church kind of talks but simply through the sharing of life. Through sharing, I got to understand them better and at the same time, they got to understand who Christ is in my life. It is not the kind of intentionality when you invite friends for service/events that we sometimes have to bolster all our courage to ask but it is the natural overflow that comes from your heart - that when you share about yourself, you can't help but to testify Jesus because he literally takes up such a big portion of you. I am beginning to understand (though i had previously known) that outreach isn't just inviting people to church but being a friend to others and showing Christ to them in our everyday lives. I think it is wonderful to be able to share Christ in a personal manner :)

Other random activities that went on this month:

NOM: Wasn't super pleased with the standard of food. I mean it is still nice and all but because i saw a lot of raves online, i was expecting more :( However, the place is super beautiful and I'm glad that the NYC leadership team got to discuss ministry stuff in a more light-hearted and informal fashion hahaha.

March had been a really fulfilling month because through one-to-one meet ups, i learnt the stories of different people. I can't emphasised how important that is. When you hear the life story of someone, he/she ceases to be an object; a shadow in the midst of a crowd. You get to know the person as he/she is and recognise their human value. You get to see them as how Jesus would. I paused myself in the month of March - You don't pause your work, you pause yourself - because I realised there's so much more to life than just for the days to fly by. I want to enjoy the things that matter. And what can matter more than humans? 

For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

There are so many connections we make with people everyday. Most times, those connections simply become fleeting moments that pass us by as we scurry along life. It takes intentionality to turn them into memories instead. The moment we don't, it will just be swept by the current, gone with the wind.

WARM AND COSY

Went to Rollie Ollie to eat on Monday. Mmm, i love their sushi (SO GOOD) although i don't recommend the salad because it is not worth the price.

Juenie juen juen, do you know you're such a scatterbrain? I find it hilarious how you can jump from topic to topic at such a lightning speed because you really speak your mind and your mind is all over the place hahaha. Thanks for being a wonderful friend to me! Honestly, i don't really know why you'd consider me a good friend because i don't think i did anything exceptionally touching or deserving of it. I also cannot pinpoint when we became good friends. Was it when we served together for NYC camp? When we were in the same LG? Was it when we dubsmashed? When we hugged each other? My memory eludes me but thank you for always including me in your life and for being interested in in mine haha. A little sad that you took down your blog :( Need to find a new way to plug myself into your life now :'(

The LGL family went to Minds Cafe on Friday. It was raining so heavily that day yet all of us persistently made our way down to that cosy corner of Prinsep Street :') After 2 rounds of Fish Eats Fish, we decided to play something more chill. "Let's play some cooperative game" said one. "Yes, let's find something less stressful," agreed another... And they came back with Jenga Boom and Woodman. HAHAHA.

Still, i left after a great session of laughing. Seasons In The Sun was playing in the cafe as we were leaving (God, was that you?? Haha). For too long, it felt like all of us were engrossed in our own LGs and our own struggles. I've always sensed a huge discrepancy between my SP and my NYC ministry. I had a lot of fun serving during my SP ministry and it didn't feel like hard work most of the time even when there were many crisis. All of us ran together hand in hand (and i wasn't even a leader back then) and I think that was why even when we had hurdles, it didn't seem all that bad.

I was sharing my thoughts to some of the LGLs and they had the same sentiments too. So i am glad that we are now taking initiative to foster bonds between one another. Last Friday night was a good start. Let's continue to warm up to each other and put the 'family' in the NYC LGL Family.

It seems that God was using this week to bring me back to my past - before NYC; before ministry started to get the better of me; before i only related to people in working terms; before i fenced myself up. I was reminded of who i was and how ministry should look like and how warm people are. I don't know if it is possible for me to ever revert back completely but i am thankful for this week, thankful for the people who patiently waited for me and apologetic to those who got hurt in the process.

And to many others who are like me - being aloof or cynical is not natural or what you need, even if you think it is. I can understand how the drudgery of life and people takes a toll on us and how we can be tricked into thinking that we just want to distance ourselves. But God designed us for communion. We can never make it alone. Situations and circumstances may sometimes make it hard for us to open up to others but let's not forget that walking the path of solitude is the real toll.

And as with all other fears, taking the first step is the hardest but once you've crossed the line, you'll looked back and see that there was nothing much to fear in the first place.

Jiayou everyone!

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

I know i am late for the party, be it the Lunar calendar or the Gregorian calendar but hey, all these are merely human constructions right?

I lost my phone last week. It sucks even more not knowing how i lost it. I don't know why bad things always happen to my phone. Am i cursed or what? But throughout this period, i received much concern from friends (and... even family but they deserve a standalone post, should i write about them). My LG tried to rack their brains on where i could even possibly lose the phone in the first place, friends kept checking with me on the status of my phone and helped me to think of alternatives.

Omg, disgress for awhile. JJ Lin's Twilight is playing in the background as i am typing this. How apt LOLOLOL. I shall insert his music video here.



Basically I felt very touched and supported. I probably i wouldn't have bother much if the tables were turned :/  It made me realised how loved i was and it made me think, ohmygod what have i been doing all these while??

For those who have been following my blog, you may know that i've always struggled to want to be close to people. I understand the importance of having good friends and to get (emotional) support from others, but i couldn't bring myself to do so mainly because i didn't see the need for myself. I've always been able to get by alone except for certain times in the year when my emotions run a little amok. During those times, it dawned upon me that i really don't have anyone that i want to talk to about my problems. And i feel so far off from everybody. But even then, a good night sleep had always worked for me. I would wake up the next day and manage my emotions more effectively.

I decided i was sick of this cycle earlier this year. No more operating alone. True la, most of the time i don't feel affected but when it hits, it really sucks ok. So I prayed to God to send me someone that i can trust in my current ministry (i start small, ask for one first hahaha). I also prayed to God for the softening of my heart towards others. And He has presented me a lot of opportunities, which i am thankful for.

Not that i pour my heart out to every living thing i see but i have been making a conscious effort to start talking about my feelings to the people around me. Over the years, I've become such a good listener (be it because of circumstances or because of the roles i have to play) that it's weird when the spotlight shines on me. And also because i know that sometimes people ask just to troubleshoot and not exactly because they want to know about your life (ok la maybe it's just me T.T) so i just give some shallow answers in response.

An intermission: If you're reading this, i just want to firstly say thank you because you're most likely a regular reader of my blog. I think if you do not have any interest in me, you'd probably stop following this space a long time ago since it's not all that interesting at all. So yes, thank you for keeping me in your radar and journeying through with me :)

As a concerned friend, you may feel the urge to try to egg me on to share. But if i clam up, please don't continue to push me. It means either i am not ready to share with you or i am not ready to share about the content. At the appropriate time, with the appropriate person, i will share appropriate stuff. Don't be offended though. It is not a competition to see who can pry me apart. This is my growth process and i trust that you, being part of this, can see this with a holistic perspective. What you can do instead is to keep me in prayers. Prayers may take place in a dark corner where people do not see or realise but i believe that true concern needs no attention to itself, and only seeks the wellbeing of others. So yes, thank you in advance!

Other than that, i have been trying to know various people from NYC e.g. the weekly exercises where i can interact with the juniors and people outside of my own LG. I can't possibly go deep with everyone but i can make effort to get to know others.

I am only left with 1.5 years in NYC. I want to try to invest a little more in this community.

And this is coming from the bottom of my heart, not being pestered by leaders to do so *coughlouishorcough*