KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS

The world can be a nasty place
You know it, I know it
But we don’t have to fall from grace
Put down the weapons you fight with
And kill 'em with kindness

For the past few months, I've been struggling to love certain people whom I have to face regularly. I look at these people and wonder why do they have to act the way they do, why they have to treat people the way they do.

I understand that people may have past hurts, but that doesn't justify their actions. It's worse when they know their faults, but (seemingly?) don't do anything about it. I feel indignant for the rest, and I can't help but lose respect for such people. It makes me hard to think the best of them, or in other words to love them.

I know my responsibility lies not in changing them but changing myself, and so I've been praying for God to teach me how to love and how to dispense undeserved grace. It hasn't been easy, but I've been trying.

Somehow, the beginning of Feb was the breaking point. Nothing big happened – it was nothing compared to past experience – but I suppose all it takes is a small spark to set the bomb off when you're already so laced with explosives.

I told God I can't do this anymore. Loving people who are difficult to love is hard, and I'm exhausted. It seems like I'm the only one who's even trying and I've come to the end of my trying. I mean, I even prayed for myself! It sucks when you know the other party is doing something wrong but does nothing about it and here you are thinking of ways of how you can change.

Walao, doesn't make sense leh.


Yet there was still a nagging voice in my head. Was I being judgemental? Was I not being loving? I googled terms like "how to judge and love", "how to love someone you can't respect" and "how to love difficult people".

Many articles came up with principles I already knew – Pray for myself, pray for the person, intentionally build a friendship, yada yada. Hello? I've been doing all of that but it didn't work??

But then I came across this sermon (part 1 and part 2).

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

I know it doesn't make sense to be nice to people who don't deserve it. What if they take it for granted? What if they step all over you? But that's the thing. When has Christianity ever makes sense? The ways of Jesus has always run counter to the ways of the world. And that's why loving people who are difficult to love is a hallmark of a disciple of Christ.

How, then, do we go about loving them? Ephesians 4:1-3 and Colossians 3:12-14 give us an idea. Gentleness. Humility. Patience.

1. Humility

"That difficult person, I want you to let the picture of them come to your mind. Do you know why you have to deal with them in humility? Because down deep you have this sense that they are inferior to you."

2. Patience

"Love is macrothumos (patient). It is - take a long time. You know what it means? It means you put up with a lot. It means you endure a lot. It means you tolerate a lot. Who has been the most patient with us? Christ! And He says, “Model that.”

It means you set appropriate boundaries. Those are boundaries. And I set it lovingly, firmly, and forcefully. I wasn’t going to let Bob ruin my life. That’s not loving him. That’s nuts.

But once you set appropriate boundaries, you hang in there and you are patient with them in the same way that God is patient with you.

In a sentence, it’s refuse to allow your irritation and frustration to erupt into negative thoughts and feelings and comments to or about them. That’s what it means to be patient."

3. Gentleness

And lastly, though my lesson on gentleness was not learnt through this sermon a quote from shereadstruth.com stood out to me when I was doing their devotions a few days ago.

"We also know from Scripture that being kind is much more powerful than just being nice. Romans 2:4 tells us that God’s kindness leads us to repentance. In other words, kindness has the power to transform. It is not weak, it does not ignore, it does not push things under the rug. Kindness can change our own lives and the lives of those we love."

The world tells you that you lose out if you're kind. But in God's terms, kindness is a weapon. And when we wield it with patience and humility, we will be able to penetrate into the deepest of souls like God does.



You know, while the application points learnt from the sermons and devotions are useful, what I truly gained out of this experience is a better understanding of my identity in Christ. Tbh, I have been living like a beggar – constantly worried that I'm being taking advantage of if I'm too nice. But God reminded me that I'm a child of God. I have access to God's unlimited resources! Why do I live as a pauper when I am a princess?

I don't have to worry about giving away my love and compassion without expecting others to give them back in return – I have them from my Father God! I can freely give my love and patience to people because I am first and foremost infinitely loved :)

>:(

I hate how some people creep into your life unknowingly and make a permanent home in your heart.

Eh hello?? Like what am i supposed to do now? Let them overstay their stay? Bulldoze them over leaving a hole in me?

Lover of my soul

Photo: bythewayimjordon / Lyrics: Give Me Jesus by All Sons & Daughters / Edited by: Me

Sometimes there are battles so hard to fight that i want to run away. I get weary, i get sad. It is never easy, it is always tough. But as hard as i try, i cant turn away from Jesus. His love compels me even through the darkest of times.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

In this life I've had many wants and distractions. There has been many brawls and struggles. But there is only One's arms i want to run into. There's only One who can fully satisfy my soul. People can conjure many fanciful ideas and arguments about God but dont you see those are just a waste of time? All i want is Jesus. I couldnt care less about senseless talks. But though my soul, like Lot's, is distressed by the lawlessness of the age and my heart longs for heaven where my Father is, i will pick up hope and carry on. For my work here on earth is not yet finished; for there is a war to win before returning home.

Still, my heart is set on Christ because there is nothing the world could offer that I would desire more than His presence. Everything is just a way to pass time till I see my Maker once more.

In the morning, when I rise 
When I am alone,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

#SupportCher

'I must get at least ten tweets a day saying I'm a dirty pikey. I think they know it's going to get to me, or because they know they can.... There have been many times when I've cried myself to sleep. I'm very scared because I like to think people think I'm strong, because if they don't, then they might not think I can do it... Some days I wish that people would leave me alone for a bit and for there to be a hole to suck me in.'

I just read that during V Festival (which happened a few mintues ago), Cher Lloyd got booed, assaulted with bottles of pee and got hurled with insults from the crowd. It was so bad that she had to leave the stage and some spotted her crying backstage. But being Cher that i know and love, she came back to stage after awhile and continued performing.

I know that the UK has never liked Cher Lloyd since the X-Factors days. There were #HateCher trending on Twitter and such. But that is like how many years ago? And even if you don't like someone or their music style, you dont throw bottles of pee at them! That is simply disgusting, low class and inhumane. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. Some people online actually found it funny and said that the crowd was perfectly entitled to do that. WHUT?!?!?!?!

I dont support being obsessed with idols simply because i think that is stupid. Which is why you dont see me going crazy over a celebrity. But Cher Lloyd is someone that I have always admired. If you notice my tumblr tags, Cher Lloyd is the only celebrity that i tag 'idol'. Not just because she is an extremely good singer, not just because she is very pretty, not just because she has a cute personality. But because she is strong, she stands up for herself and she always puts in her best. Definitely someone worthy being a role model.

This is one video that best shows off her talent, beauty, personality and strength. She is so nice towards her fans and so, so honest. She even gave a special mention and thanked her guitarist at the end! If you watch till 9:27 where they had an question and answer segment, the radio station asked some rude questions. Unlike most celebrities who would give diplomatic answers or swat the questions away, Cher actually "lectured" the host. Hahaha awesome (Y)



After the V Festival event, I have never been prouder of her.

#SupportCher

I just want to dance in the sun, is that so wrong?

So much things i want to say but cant.
The picture above accurately represents what i am not feeling right now.
Good night.

Oh, and i finally bleached my jeans.

and her head was stuck in the clouds,

dreaming of a world

that she cant have in reality.

A!@#$EH)@{(UIR@(!O

I was on the train with Xiuwen, enjoying the silence between us. (Digression: its kind of weird that we actually have silences with one another since we are both so talkative and outspoken). And you know how trains and bathrooms always have this weird factor to make you ponder about your life? A realisation hit me out of nowhere.

"Do you feel that sometimes you are missing out on life?"

Xiuwen nodded her head. We chatted awhile and then i went back into my state of dwelling. I am not living a normal teenager's life. I dont go out, i dont drink, i dont club, i dont hang out with friends. Everyday, i just go home straight after class. Or else i would be stuck doing projects. Scrolling through my facebook's homepage, i can distinctly see the difference between my life and my friends'.

I am not complaining though. Because i chose this myself. I am very picky when it comes to friends. If a group of friends demand too much of my time, i'd rather pat their heads and bid farewell. Which was what i did to my CCA friends :x I decided that it was too tiring to even try to keep up so i just mysteriously disappeared lol.

I love the comfort of my own home. I like my own solitary. The moment i stepped into my house, i cut off all connections to the outside world. My handphone is thrown aside, neglected, as i bestowed my precious attention on my laptop. I dont sign onto skype and/or msn (its been over 2 years now *proud achievement) and i dont keep my facebook tab open. I dont like when people chat with me online because i want to watch my shows and they just gabber on non-stop. In fact, i just dont like communicating online. I feel like its stripping the essence of face to face talks - but that's another story.

Teenagers like to hang out, like to go clubbing, like to stay out late. But i dont see the joy in that. Ok, actually i like to stay out late but it depends on the company. I love to stay out with my church friends because i only see them once a week and i miss them so much from sunday to friday! But other "normal" teenage stuff i just cant appreciate.

Like drinking. I have never been a fan of drinking. Actually i feel that its a waste of money unless its once in a while kind of thing. Its very obnoxious of me to say this but i feel like i am some "high-class" lady with her nose held high and tsking at every non-constructive activity lol. For the lack of better comparison... a cultured lady (though i am nowhere immersing myself in fine arts) VS an ah lian. Dont know leh, i just find those things meaningless. And meaningless is not the way to live life!!

Err, at least to me.

But there are days when i wonder, am i missing out a teenage's life? Being a teenager is all about finding yourself. How? Through wasting your life and then realising how silly that was; by making all the wrong mistakes and learning from it; just living freely without restraints; doing stupid things and yelling "YOLO".

But i dont like it. I dont want to make the wrong decisions. I dont want to waste my life away. I think all those are stupid. People should be doing more constructive things. Maybe im just growing up too fast. Thats why i said i feel like some conceited tai-tai. I dont feel or act like a normal teenager.

There, arrogant me ):
But i just cant help feeling like that.

Sigh. I really dont know whats the point of this, really. Perhaps its penned up angst from everything. I just feel that there is so much life has to offer but we are just wasting it away. And yes, honestly speaking, i know that i am one of those people. Because i have no freaking idea what life has to offer, thus, dont know what i am wasting.

URGH!!!

Ok, it is safe to conclude that this entire post is written under great amount of frustration plus the fact that my eyes are going to close any minute and is therefore invalid. Good night and good day to all of you.

Updated: gaya just asked if we want to go clubbing on Sunday. I am deliberating. I feel like I should live life a little but i don't really like loud and crowded places. Honestly, I'd rather be alone but... I AM A TEENAGER!!! I SHOULD BE DOING THIS KIND OF STUFF ANYWAY!! What if I'm growing up too fast and just missing out on life?? Choices, choices, choices. Sigh.

fuck you very much.

Who are you to judge me,
when you're a two-faced bitch?
And you think that i'm a bad.
The irony.

You disgust me right down to the core.
If there's anything that i should feel sorry for,
is that i once trusted you.
But no more.

Dont come and reprimand my parents' way of upbringing
when you're just a spinster with no child.
May i repeat:
Who are you to judge?

_|_

imperfections

Wow, i have been blogging for a week STRAIGHT.
Hahaha, so you guys everyday got stuff to read~ unlike me who has to keep waiting ):
This past week hasn't been eventful but there are definitely many thoughts that ran through my mind. I was thinking about my future, about why Emma Wastons can be so pretty, about Harry Potter and about people in general.

I want to blog about all of it but it's going to be reaaaaaally long so i'll start of with "people in general".

I want to start off with this picture:


So whatever i say later might lead to you think, "What is her problem? Like that also want vent out frustrations?", just think back of the above picture.


I would like to think that i'm quite a selfless person. I dont care if you disagree because who can know myself better than i do... right? So usually when people ask me for help i would agree. When people ask me to send them my CA reports for reference i would do so. When people ask me to do some difficult stuff that they dont dare to do, i would.

The most common phrase that my family repeats to me since young is,

"You cannot be so selfish"

Really. I hear it all the time, everyday when i was a child. And that's me. I like to help people and i've always thought that its an instinct for people to help one another.

NO.
As i grow up, i see how selfish some people can be. It hurts. When i help people, i dont expect them to give me incentives or what. But at least when i need aid, you would at least be there? Then there are other times when i witness someone reject to help their friend just because they're lazy.

I am appalled and shocked. I mean if you are selfish towards me, i can still tolerate because we're not that close but your good friend? I cannot comprehend how someone can be so selfish to the point of they'll reject you (well, they help out eventually but were very unwilling) just because they find it TROUBLESOME. A friend is supposed to be there for you and to help you if you need. And you're not afraid to flaunt it. Wow, just wow. I pray one day you'll realise the importance of helping other people.

Well, thank GOD i'm not your close friend, really. You wouldn't be there if i need one. And because what you did, i know what kind of person you are and i will hesitate too when you need help.

I'm not a saint. I dont mind helping people but i've got a limit you know? You cannot expect me to always do your dirty work and avoid me like a plague when im in trouble. Sometimes, i refuse to help and just wait for some other people to save you because im sick and tired to always be the one kena pushed around.


But eventually i would probably give in anyway =.=
Well, i believe in karma. Even if i'm not the one who gives you the "punishment", i'm sure you'll received it some other time.
Actually i am not that frustrated anymore but once i started this post, i began to feel the anger and disappointment again ):

I guess this is one of the reasons why i have very few close friends. I'm very picky. So if you know any imperfections of mine, please please please tell me! You can write in my formspring or text me or fb me or something. I know pretty much all of my good traits but i think im blind to my own imperfections. Right now i can only think of 2.

1. Easily angered
2. Sometimes childish

I'm sure there are others so if you know, do not hesitate to tell me. I will not be offended and im highly interested to know (: