I SAID YES (BACKSTORY).

Not every open door is from God.
But the door that God opens cannot be closed. 

It all started with this song.

I was praying about my career decision when God dropped the song in my mind. Listen to it, he said. I listened. Somewhere along letting the lyrics sink in I had decided that i wanted to live for a purpose bigger than myself, to live for Christ.

I had been deliberating much on the meaning of life during that period of time and i couldn't help but to conclude that everything is meaningless because the world will one day fade away. There is only one that thing has an impact through eternity: the lives that we help save and/or the lives that we help change. Nothing else has lasting significance.

Even so, going into full time ministry is not easy. I'll have to let go of the glitz and glam that the world offers. I won't have status. I won't have standing. I won't have anything to brag when relatives ask me what am i doing for a living. I won't be part of my friends who will achieve success in the world and live their jet-setter lifestyle. Can i really live such a life? Do i really want to?

The only thing I want in life
is to be known for loving Christ
To build His church, to love His bride
And make His name known far and wide

He is all my soul will prize
Regardless of the joy or trial
When agonizing questions rise
In Jesus all my hope abides 

It is not fame that I desire
Nor stature in my brother's eye
I pray it's said about my life
That I lived more to build Your name than mine

For this cause I live
For this cause I'd die
I surrender all
For the cause of Christ
All I once held dear
I will leave behind
For my joy is this
Oh the cause of Christ

As my thoughts went array, the lyrics flooded my mind. The final stanza of the song totally did me in. My heart was ravished. And that day, in that small corner of the church, i decided that i wanted to work at Thirst. Yes God, this is the most meaningful job i can have for now. I will do it. In tears, i ended the prayer.

I was so sure. But for the next few months, it was a battlefield.

I tried to hint to my colleagues my interest in working at Thir.st. Coincidentally, it was during this period of time when a few of them were praying for God to send someone with specific qualities to help them with the workload. And because of a team building event, they realised i was a perfect fit. As one of them exclaimed, "OH MY GOSH. We have been praying for God to send an AE and she's been under our noses all these time! God answered our prayers even before we prayed them!"

Then, I got offered a position.

This was when I started getting cold feet.

A few friends did come up to ask if I would be continuing at Thir.st after graduation. At times, inspired by people's encouragement and the emotional high, my heart soars towards a flipping 'yes'. I go into lengthy description of how God had divinely orchestrated the journey for me and people respond with applause and approval. They affirm me for living my life for Christ. A pat on the shoulder, an encouraging smile, a reassuring nod. But then, there are times i feel like screaming to them, it's not as easy as you think it is! Why don't you try being in my shoes? Why don't you try dying to self for God? Because what they don't know is what comes after the the cheering crowd disperses, when the spotlight is shut off and the audience is gone and I'm left alone on an abandoned, dark, eerily silent stage. Is this what I want? Will I regret this decision? What if, what if, what if...? Doubts creep in and I slowly sink into a sea of 'no's.

I wanna pursue Christ, I wanna place him first, I wanna give him all that I have. It sounds beautiful and noble. But it's a lofty idea and in reality, so difficult. And my biggest problem is this: I am too convicted to say no, yet too afraid to say yes. 

That is the worse place to be. And in between this chasm I oscillate back and forth, back and forth...

I know exactly what my 'yes' means. It's a yes to the killing of my personal desires. It's a yes to choose Jesus again and again in this area of my life. It's a yes to not use the talents that God has given me to pursue my own dreams but to use what he has given to pursue his. And I feel like I'm so young. Too young. Too young to be giving up my life for Christ. Too young to be giving up my inclinations. Too young to be giving up my ambitions. My calling seems less and less in the marketplace as the days pass and what frightens me the most is that my decision today is really more of an indicator of my response in the future. Why can't I pursue my own goals and serve God at the serve time? Why can't i be successful in the world's eyes and still be faithful in God's? Why must they be mutually exclusive in my case?

Why me, God, why me?

And slowly, I wasn't just swinging. I plunged into the deep end of despising my own destiny.

Down,

























down,

















































down, i fell.

I was Esau before i knew it. I suddenly knew how it feels like to despise one's own calling. But because i know how the story ended, i am also aware of how scary the consequences can be. Esau could have been part of Jesus' direct lineage but because he forfeited his birthright, he also forfeited the glory that God had planned for him.

I knew what saying yes to God meant. But in that pit, God showed me what saying 'no' to Him entailed. As a friend puts it, "We always count the cost of saying yes to God. But have we ever counted the cost of saying no to Him?"

Have we ever counted the cost of saying no to Him?

Then, earlier this month, Thir.st pushed forth stories of individuals (1, 2) who gave up their careers to pursue full time ministry. Internally, we called the series "Fools for Christ" because it was planned to come out during April's Fools and it is silly and crazy in the eyes of the world to reject high paying jobs to do charity work for a living instead.

One story really hit home for me. I completely understand the emotional struggles that the author went through during his decision making process. I resonated with the issue of comparison, the issue of defining success, the issue of cost benefit analysis, the issue of wanting to pursue one's own ambitions not aligned to God's will but above all, i identified with this sentence of his: "Deep inside, I knew that I could not serve God part-time."

He ended up responding to God's call. Part of his job scope included clearing pig's dung for the villagers in the morning. An uni grad just like you and me. Can you even imagine?

When i read the article, i asked myself, how did he do it?

You may also be thinking, how did i eventually do it?

I dont know, i dont know. All i know is that I couldn't refuse God.

I tried. I really, really tried. I attended career fairs. I signed up for companies' workshops. I even tailored my cover letter and resume, ready to send it out. But i just couldn't do it. I couldn't will my heart to be engaged while talking to potential bosses. I couldn't will myself to attend the workshops even though I had walked all the way to the venue. I couldn't will my fingers to hit the send button. Just that one step, i told myself every single time, just one step. But i couldn't. So i turned away. Every. Single. Time.

The night i made my decision, i was lying on my bed with a mind filled with trepidation. Then God brought to me a verse.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked (Psalm 84:10)

In other words, I would rather serve as a lowly servant in the middle of God's will than to be a high flyer outside of it.

I'm not demeaning Christians who work in the marketplace. The point is not the physical location. The point is God's personal call for your life. And I know it can be difficult. There were times i questioned if going into Thir.st would be a good decision for myself. What if i could be happier elsewhere? What if i regret my decision? But the God who created me knows me best. He was the one who gave me my personality. He was the one who furnished me with my gifting. He was the one who moulded my character. He knows what sort of work fits and satisfies me the best. Why? Because He knows me through and through. We each have a specific destiny not because God wants to derail us from what we enjoy but because He knows best.

He knows best.

As that realisation sunk in, I slowly let go of all the excuses - no, they were security plans - I had been making and clinging to. A rush of relief washed over me because I now know what it means when God says He is the one who clothes the flowers, the one who feeds the birds.

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap; they have no storehouse or barn, yet God feeds them... Consider how the lilies of the field grow: They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was adorned like one of these (Luke 12:24, 27)

Another colleague of mine wrote a fantastic account of how God roped her into Thir.st as well. It's a beautiful, beautiful story - one that never fails to draw tears from my eyes because God is simply too amazing. Check it out here.

I've also compiled a short list of songs that encouraged me during the decision making process. Wherever you have been called to, I hope this softens your heart. Because if your heart is truly soft towards God, you can never say no. You may deliberate. You may delay your response. But you can never say no.

YOUR PRESENCE IS THE TRUE NORTH

Today is the start of my internship with Thir.st, an upcoming Christian website/e-mag. I thought this would be a good time to post about my testimony of how God is faithful even in times when I was faithless. Some of you may have heard this story from me but God has proven Himself yet again and therefore, there is a continuation to the story. I hope this testimony blesses and encourages you, wherever you are.

Part 1: The Call

When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses, Moses!" The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey." But Moses said to God, 

"Who am I, that I should go the Phraraoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

Few years back at a church conference, I responded to an altar call where I decided to use my blog to glorify God in the media sector. This led to many difficult decisions I had to make along the way. Decisions such as making this blog public, linking it to my social media accounts and even writing and imparting spiritual knowledge (rather than just mindless blabbering and personal sharing). The process was hard because it took out so much of me. Not just my time or my effort but me. Myself. I did not like the idea of people having access to parts of me - especially when I do not even know who the potential readers might be. Nevertheless, one can fight against the Holy Spirit for so long. I eventually died to self and linked my blog's URL to all my social media platforms. I started to post more spiritual content and even embarked on this #spiritualappetizer segment subsequently in order to honour my promise to God.

Part 2: The Rebellion

All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?" And they said to each other, 

"We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt."

And yet, for the longest period of time, I did not know what in the world i was doing. This mission of mine felt small and insignificant. I mean the readership isn't big since I generally try to keep a low profile so why in the world did God convict me to use my blog for a greater purpose? At this point I want to say that it was not that this space completely did not have any impact. But I felt that my sacrifice was so big that the result could not justify it at all. I know this is not the kind of attitude we should have; I was too focused on myself, too focused on my "loss" that I refused to see any gains that it reaped. My offering to God became an exchange. I thought to myself, "God I gave up so much of me... but what am I doing all these for? Where are the fruits? Where is the reward?"

And so, I began to wonder if my sacrifice was worth it at all.

Following that, there were many times I was faithless. I contemplated shutting down this space. I procrastinated on topics that God revealed to me. I mean, yeah I could argue that I was faithful because I did continue trudging on in the end. But it was a faithfulness that lacked faith. And any gift that lacked faith does not please God.

Part 3: The Providence

For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.

-
The Lord said to Moses,“I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God.'"

It felt like i was wandering around in the 'wilderness' for the past few years. Then some months ago, I caught up with HH. She randomly told me that the place she's working at was looking for writers. I decided to take up the challenge - partly because I had time and I thought why not use it wisely and partly because I wanted to be more disciplined in honouring God in the media sector. I felt that I would be more motivated (or like forced) to hone my skills and to write if I had a legitimate reason to.

I did not expect much - in fact I told HH I was willing to do this for free - because honestly I didn't have any related experience or qualifications. Even as I was preparing my "portfolio", I felt lost. I had nothing to show in the past few years that was related to writing except for my socio essays. I mean seriously!! HH then assured me that it was all very informal and that's when I decided to heck it and send in my #spiritualappetizers as my portfolio.

Long story short, I got the position as a contributor.

I initially did not think much about it but as the week passed, it started to sink into me that I got the position by the one thing I despised the most - my blog posts. Feelings began to bubble inside of me as I realised that God did not abandon me. For all the times I felt lost and aimless with what I was doing, God was there paving a way.

But that's not the end.

Part 4: The Promised Land

Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it.

-

So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. 

The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; 

the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; 

every one was fulfilled.

As they are a non-profit organization, they do not have the budget to pay for freelancers. This was fine with me as getting paid was not my main intention anyway. Along the way, one of my colleagues asked if i was interested to attend this writing course which will set me back by $300. I had a hard time deciding because i felt that if i wanted to pursue honour God with my writing, I should be investing my time and resources to build my skills up right? But i was financially tight. I had recently started sponsoring a kid, something that I wanted to do for quite some time. My allowance dipped right after i made the decision. So for the past few months, I had been living in deficit. I did question God for awhile. Like, omg why is this happening right now? I mean, it wasnt a drastic change but i definitely had to be more conscious about my expenditure otherwise my savings will deplete over time. Going for a workshop seemed out of the question.

Amidst all these, the boss of the company randomly contacted me for an interview as he wanted to extend an internship to me during my holidays. I headed down to chat with him and he offered me a good pay and was flexible to accommodate the other commitments i have. As i laid on my bed that night thinking about this matter, i suddenly got reminded of a prophecy that was spoken over me 2 months back. The person prophecised a lot of things (ridiculous things may i add) over me and throughout the entire experience, my eyebrows were furrowed in confusion because i had no idea how the things he said will ever come to pass. But out of respect, i just kept all the prophecies in my heart, noting the more immediate prophecies that i could test out. One of which was that i would start a new season in my life in mid November/ December.

If i were to take on the internship, i would be starting on 14th November (since that's when my semester officially ends as i do not have exams) and that is right smack in the middle of the month of November. My stint would only last till December since i will be starting a new semester in January. During my interview, i discovered that one of the main motivating factors of the company matches the area i had a soft spot for. And if i really took up the offer, i would be able to pay for the workshop and still have leftover which will cover for the past months that i had been dipping into my savings. The eerie thing was that if my previous job assignments hadn't been taken away from me, i would not be able to accept this internship due to conflict of schedule.

Everything simply... fell nicely into place.

Part 5: The Conclusion

In Exodus 33, God had enough of the Israelites' contempt and unfaithfulness. He told Moses that He would deliver them from their enemies and keep His promise of a land flowing with milk and honey but He will not be with them. In other words, they can have His promises, but not His presence. And Moses cried out, "If Your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here." Moses understood that God's promises without His presence are not worth having. He refused to take a step into the Promised Land if God wasn't with them.

Some of you may find yourself in a similar situation as i was right now. Perhaps you're looking for something from God in exchange for your offering. Or perhaps you feel like God had promised you something only to let you down. Perhaps you're praying to God for a sign of reassurance but to no avail. But if there's one thing that i've learnt throughout this entire process is that God never fails. Even in the darkest of nights where i could not see the path ahead; when i felt alone battling with doubts and anxieties; when i lost focus on the reason why i even do the things i do, He has always been by my side, leading me. We just need to continue to be faithful.

Honestly, I am not sure if the internship is the end the journey itself. Maybe there will be more, maybe this is it. Either way, I have learnt to not seek after what God can give but to trust and be contented in Him for He is a faithful Father who has never once abandoned us. To those whom He has entrusted, He has a plan. He is our compass. He is our guide.

Yes indeed, Your presence is the only assurance we need.

CAPTAIN

Through waters uncharted my soul will embark
I'll follow Your voice straight into the dark
And if from the course You intend I depart
Speak to the sails of my wandering heart 

Lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog
Your truth is the compass that points me back north
Jesus, my Captain, my soul's trusted Lord
All my allegiance is rightfully Yours 

Like the wind, You'll guide
Clear the skies before me
And I'll glide this open sea
Like the stars, Your Word
Will align my voyage
And remind me where I've been
And where I am going

 "I go east, but he is not there.
    I go west, but I cannot find him.
I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden.
    I look to the south, but he is concealed.

But he knows where I am going.
    And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.
For I have stayed on God’s paths;
    I have followed his ways and not turned aside.
I have not departed from his commands,
    but have treasured his words more than daily food.
But once he has made his decision, who can change his mind?
    Whatever he wants to do, he does.
So he will do to me whatever he has planned.
    He controls my destiny."
- Job 23: 8-14

主耶稣我爱你

Ever since the early days of Christian walk, learning to love my family (esp my mom) has been my struggle. You'd think it is only natural to love your mom but I could never display the same amount of affection as i have towards my grandma towards my mom. Part of it is because of family culture and the other part is because we are complete opposites - and i dont mean in a complimentary manner. I really cannot stand my mother's personality. If we were not a family, i dont think i would ever associate myself with her. She is literally a walking bomb that will trigger me to flare up anytime, anywhere.

I knew this was a problem since my poly days. I struggled very hard because i knew what a Christian should be like but it is so hard to be a salt and light at home when you are so comfortable that you become lax. I kept praying but to no avail until i entered uni and Pei showed me a teaching from Elevation Church. From then on, that teaching has been listed as my no. 1 teaching that influenced me big time (interestingly, i can't find it now and i dont remember the title!). Rather than just head knowledge, God spoke to me through my heart and subsequently i was able to grow in this area one bit at a time.

It is not always smooth sailing. Case in point, i got into a big fight with my mom a few weeks ago. Even though i apologised to her, i still find it hard to have any positive feelings towards my mom. I sound cold-hearted but who doesn't want to have a close and loving relationship with their mom? If i had a choice, i would also choose not to face this kind of trial in my life because i am equally frustrated and disappointed with myself every time i argue with her.

And here comes the crux of this post. Eric Moo came to our church for a Mother's Day special service in which he shared his experiences of God. Specifically, he testified how God intervened to kick off 3 of his addictions: smoking, drinking and gambling. The climax came when he related to us the back story of the song: 主耶稣我爱你. He told us that he composed the song on a casino cruise because he had shut himself in his room in order to distract himself from the temptation of gambling. I teared up when he was performing the song, i teared up yesterday night as i listened to the song once more and i am now tearing up as i play the song in the background while writing this post because in the midst of feeling beaten down, his story was an encouragement to me.

...

主耶稣我感谢你 你照亮了我平凡的生命
主耶稣我爱你 让我每分每秒和你在一起
主耶稣我仰望你 你带我走过每一个脚印
主耶稣我爱你 直到世界的尽头我也愿意
主耶稣我荣耀你 你流尽宝血换我的生命
主耶稣我爱你 如果没有你一切没有意义
主耶稣我荣耀你 你流尽宝血换我的生命
主耶稣我爱你 如果没有你一切没有意义
主耶稣我敬拜你 所有的赞美荣耀都归你
主耶稣我爱你 不会让你白白牺牲了自己
我感谢你 我仰望你 我荣耀你 主我爱你
主耶稣我敬拜你 所有的赞美荣耀都归你
主耶稣我爱你 不会让你白白牺牲了自己

This song that was created in resistance of temptation starts with "主耶稣" in every single sentence. It reminded me 2 things. 1) Jesus should be our focus in face of trial and temptation because he is the only motivation that will last a lifetime. 2) Jesus should be our reason for wanting to strive for a holier standard because he has given us so much. Listening to Eric Moo's testimonies also reminded me of the transforming power of Christ. I can overcome my bad habit of being rude to my mom and not be defined by my family culture or restricted by our differences.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:21-25

The Veil

Recently I've been doing research on animal sacrifice in the OT (it's for a post that I will post up after refining it) and it reminded me how precious God's presence is.

I think sometimes we take God's presence for granted. We think, "Ah I can do QT another day. I can go church/LG another day. I can worship another day. Another day. Another day. Another day."

But you know, before Christ came, people can't even enter the presence of the Lord at all. The holiest of the holies had to be separated by a veil. Only a priest could enter - and not without a price. They could only enter into the presence of God once a year and they had to sacrifice animals. (I don't know what's worse - the people standing behind the veil, so close and yet so far away from God or God whom watched from behind the veil, longing to be with His people). But after Christ came, we are able to freely come into His presence. And yet we say another day Lord, another day.

I think I'd like this post to be a reminder - that God's presence should not be taken for granted and there is no more veil that could ever separate us from God. 

The only veil left is ourselves.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Jesus is a superglue

Secular education teaches us that there is no deity, no god. But this song refutes it straight in the face. All things came from Jesus and are for Jesus. And at the end of the day, even the smartest, most intellectual person has to cast his crown in front of the King of all kings.

The Supremacy of the Son of God: 

The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.
For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.
He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 
And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.
For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. 

1 Colossians 1:15-20

Citizenship and Home

The best part of travelling is not the flight nor the destination nor the food nor anything else. The best part of traveling is coming back home.

It may be less apparent when you're driving from customs to customs but when you are at the airport and everyone else is queuing to pass the immigration and you can just head towards the fingerprint detection section and bypass everyone else and then the machine screens "Welcome home"... its just... wow. Coming back to Singapore is what i look forward to every time i travel. Nothing beats that sense of relief because you know that you are a citizen of this nation. You belong here. You are the priority and you're entitled to the privileges here.

Queer thing citizenship is. It is but a social construct and yet it can invoke such emotions. I may have arrived from exploring the Amazon, trekking through the Alps, witnessing the northern lights, jetting through cosmopolitan cities enjoying the high life, seeing sights beyond my wildest imagination, but still nothing beats the sense of belonging. The sense of home.

The best part of traveling is returning.

And i can't imagine how it would feel like when i finally return back Home.

For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; 

Philippians 3:20

The 3 things that made me so happy today to the point of me updating this space:

1. I got my study bible today and coincidentally, my outfit matched with the book's colour palette!!

2. One of my current favourite praise song was sung in church today!! AHHHH :D

3. Exodus 4:10-11

It made me so happy that the bad experience of waiting 45 minutes for a cab (who takes that long to hail a cab???) doesn't dampen my spirits anymore.

The Wagon With Three Stones

(adapted from a story by Rosemarie Kowalski)

The story is told of a man who met God in a lovely valley one day.

“How are you this morning?” God asked the fellow

“I’m fine, thank you,” the man replied. “Is there anything I can do for you today?”

“Yes, there is,” God said. “I have a wagon with three stones in it, and I need someone to pull it up the hill for me. Are you willing?”

“Yes, I’d love to do something for you. Those stones don’t look very heavy and the wagon’s in good shape. I’d be happy to do this. Where would you like me to take it?”

God gave the man specific instructions, sketching a map in the dust at the side of the road. “Go through the woods and up the road that winds up the side of the hill. Once you get to the top, just leave the wagon there. Thank you for your willingness to help me today.”

“No problem!” the man replied and set off cheerfully. The wagon pulled a bit behind him, but the burden was an easy one. He began to whistle as he walked quickly through the forest. The sun peeked through the trees and warmed his back. What a joy to be able to help the Lord, he thought, enjoying the beautiful day.

Just around the third bend, he walked into a small village. People smiled and greeted him. Then, at the last house, a man stopped him and asked, “How are you this morning? What a nice wagon you have. Where are you off to?”

“Well, God gave me a job this morning. I’m delivering these three stones to the top of the hill.”

“My goodness! Can you believe it? I was just praying this morning about how I was going to get this rock I have up to the top of the mountain,” the man told him with great excitement. “You don’t suppose you could take it up there for me? It would be such an answer to prayer.”

The man with the wagon smiled and said, “Of course. I don’t suppose God would mind. Just put it behind the other three stones.” Then he set off with three stones and a rock rolling behind him.

The wagon seemed a bit heavier. He could feel the jolt of each bump, and the wagon seemed to pull to one side a bit. The man stopped to adjust the load as he sang a hymn of praise, pleased to be helping out a brother as he served God. Then he set off again and soon reached another small village at the side of the road. A good friend lived there and offered him a glass of cider.

“You’re going to the top of the hill?” his oldest friend asked.

“Yes! I am so excited. Can you imagine, God gave me something to do?”

“Hey!” said his friend. “I need this bag of pebbles taken up. I’ve been so worried that it might not get taken care of since I haven’t any time to do it myself. But you could fit it right between the three stones here in the middle.” With that, he placed his burden in the wagon.

“Shouldn’t be a problem,” the man said. “I think I can handle it.” He finished the cider, then stood up and brushed his hands on his overalls before gripping the handle of the wagon. He waved good-bye and began to pull the wagon back onto the road.

The wagon was definitely tugging on his arm now, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. As he started up the incline, he began to feel the weight of the three stones, the rock, and the pebbles. Still, it felt good to help a friend. Surely God would be proud of how energetic and helpful he’d been.

One little stop followed another, and the wagon grew fuller and fuller. The sun was hot above the man pulling it, and his shoulders ached with the strain. The songs of praise and thanksgiving that had filled his heart had long since left his lips as resentment began to build inside. Surely this wasn’t what he had signed up for that morning. God had given him a burden heavier than he could bear.

The wagon felt huge and awkward as it lumbered and swayed in the road. Frustrated, the man was beginning to have visions of giving up and letting the wagon roll backward. God was playing a cruel game with him. The wagon lurched, and the load of obligations collided with the back of his legs, leaving bruises. “This is it!” he fumed. “God can’t expect me to haul this all the way up the mountain.”

“Oh God,” he wailed. “This is too hard for me! I thought you were behind this trip, but I am overcome by the heaviness of it. You’ll have to get someone else to do it. I’m just not strong enough.”

As he prayed, God came to his side, “Sounds like you’re having a hard time. What’s the problem?”

“You gave me a job that is too hard for me,” the man sobbed. “I’m just not up to it!” God walked over to where the wagon was braced with a stone. “What is this?” He held up the bag of pebbles.

“That belongs to John, my good friend. He didn’t have time to bring it up himself. I thought I would help.”

“And this?” God tumbled two pieces of shale over the side of the wagon as the man tried to explain.

God continued to unload the wagon, removing both light and heavy items. They dropped to the ground, the dust swirling up around them. The man who had hoped to help God grew silent. “If you will be content to let others take their own burdens,” God told him, “I will help you with your task.”

“But I promised I would help! I can’t leave these things lying here.”

“Let others shoulder their own belongings,” God said gently. “I know you were trying to help, but when you are weighed down with all these cares, you cannot do what I have asked of you.”

The man jumped to his feet, suddenly realizing the freedom God was offering. “You mean I only have to take the three stones after all?” he asked.

“That is what I asked you to do.” God smiled. “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light. I will never ask you to carry more than you can bear.”

“I can do that!” said the man, grinning from ear to ear. He grabbed the wagon handle and set off once again, leaving the rest of the burdens beside the road. The wagon still lurched and jolted lightly, but he hardly noticed.

A new song filled his lips, and he noticed a fragrant breeze wafting over the path. With great joy he reached the top of the hill. It had been a wonderful day, for he had done what the Lord had asked.

You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.

Luke 10:41-42

From a friend's blog.
It may not be applicable to my current situation but this story would have spoke to me a few months back. Decided to post it up as a reminder that "you are not their god".

(September) Thoughts: Tithe & Offering

DISCLAIMER
This is a sharing on my opinions and learnings of a topic in the bible. The following content should not be taken wholesale. I would recommend you to conduct your own study too because I do not claim to have complete expertise on this subject although this post was written with the best of my research and knowledge as of date. I vouch that my sharing is not of a fickle-minded nature because i take the studying and preaching of Word seriously. However, it is subjected to further changes because learning is a lifelong process and i may get new insights. My ultimate aim is to inform and whet your appetite to study the bible more so if you think any of my explanations lacking, that's great! Find the answers and we can have a discussion to strengthen our bible knowledge bank ;)

I never knew the difference between tithing and offering until i was late into a year of my Christian walk. Tithe - a Mosaic law that requires Jews to give a tenth of their annual income (back then it was probably animals/crops) to God. Offering - something you give not out of obligation but because you want to give. It is an addition to tithing.

Tithing

I had a hard time when i learnt about tithing not because i see it as 'wasting money', rather i felt that it was not my money to spend. My ex shepherd told me that she rationalised it that even though her allowance came from her parents, it ultimately came from God did it not? I couldnt refute it so for a period of time, i followed her rationality despite being a little uncomfortable. Subsequently, i was able to earn my own keep so it didnt matter anymore. Few months ago, HW gave me a new perspective on tithing.

“Every tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land or of the fruit of the trees, is the Lord's; it is holy to the Lord. If a man wishes to redeem some of his tithe, he shall add a fifth to it. And every tithe of herds and flocks, every tenth animal of all that pass under the herdsman's staff, shall be holy to the Lord. One shall not differentiate between good or bad, neither shall he make a substitute for it; and if he does substitute for it, then both it and the substitute shall be holy; it shall not be redeemed.” These are the commandments that the Lord commanded Moses for the people of Israel on Mount Sinai.

Leviticus 27:30-34 

Lets say there are 100 sheep and 10 of them are blemished. The Lord commanded that every tenth animal that pass under the staff shall be set aside for God. Thus possibility for a blemished sheep to end up as an offering is comparatively low to rest of the perfect sheep. What does this mean? It means that God gave enough so that what was left was sufficient for the man to survive for the month. It means we actually receive 110% from God every month, instead of 100% and when we give, we are only giving back, not sacrificing the 10%.

So why did God give us the extra 10% only for us to return it? I think it is both a test and a process. It is easy to say that i believe the Lord is my Jehovah Jireh than to act in consistent with my beliefs. Tithing, in actuality, is merely a small test every month. The bible also says that money is the root of all evil and one cannot serve two lords. 10% may seem like nothing but translate it into dollar value, it can mean a lot. Choosing to give back the 10% means you choose God over money every month in that small area. It requires obedience and overtime it produces character. Therefore, even though tithing is not a requirement now because Christ is the perfect sacrifice and we are no longer under law, i insist that i tithe no matter the seasons in my life. It gets difficult sometimes but I want to at least be able to submit in obedience this small area of my life to God.

Offering

For a long time, i refused to reach into my wallet and drop some notes into the offering bag passed around every service. It was not that i didnt want to give (do remember that giving is obligatory) but there was something off - something felt wrong when i gave. It was when i suddenly recalled about this idea of the '$1 faith' that i found out what was repulsive to me. 

Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. And he said, “Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

Luke 21:1-4 

Every week, i see people reaching out into their pockets to put in (usually) a $2 note into the offering bag. That was also the usual amount i chose to give. Sometimes i would just pick up all my coins and throw it into the offering bag. You cant fault me or anybody else for giving but it was not the amount that put me off - it was the carelessness.

I realised that many people are careless in their giving, myself included. It is as though we didnt want to be seen as a scrooge by bypassing the offering bag so we throw in an amount that we can afford to lose. I am not claiming this for all but judging from their actions, i am pretty sure that most do not put much thought into their giving.

I got a confirmation regarding this issue when i was studying the bible one day.

The Collection for the Lord’s People
Now about the collection for the Lord’s people: Do what I told the Galatian churches to do. On the first day of every week, each one of you should set aside a sum of money in keeping with your income, saving it up, so that when I come no collections will have to be made. Then, when I arrive, I will give letters of introduction to the men you approve and send them with your gift to Jerusalem.

1 Corinthians 16: 1-3

It seemed nothing on the surface level - just instructions from Paul. But why did Paul insist no collections be made on the day he comes? Why did he ask the people to decide how much to give in private? There are values behind this. We should seek God about our gift at home before coming to church so that our giving is not be manipulated by the public.

Preachers always quote Luke 21:1-4 to encourage church members that it is not the amount that matters, but the attitude behind the giving. However, it hit me that people tend to focus on the former part and forgot about the latter. Yes, how much to give is personal. But when a person gives, it should be something that challenges them; that challenges their faith. That was what Luke 21:1-4 truly meant. I'm pretty sure it was Pastor Rick Seaward who preached about the '$1 faith'. In it he said that putting our faith in God does not necessarily mean giving big amount of money. Sometimes, it can be as simple as giving a dollar more than what we are comfortable with.

It is ok not to offer. It is ok not to offer frequently. But from now onwards, when i offer, i want it to activate my faith in God.

When I need to get home, You're my guiding light

Our city isn't perfect

Our city is a blaze of neon flare

Does anybody care

Fractured lines in the pavement

Embers color the air

These streets we named

Will never be the same

This fire, this fire, this fire we let it

This fire, this fire, this fire we let it

This fire, this fire, this fire we let it all burn

I have a tendency to be hopeless towards the future. Not my future, but the future future. All i see is negativity and morality spiralling down. People are caving into sin; people are celebrating sin; people are becoming more and more individualistic; people are challenging authority; people are prideful; people who explicitly claim to know Jesus doesn't even know Him... There are so many things for us to stand up for and there are so many things against us and yet Christians are the minority in this world. There are so many spiritual wars going on and yet we are to be meek, getting slapped and trampled over and over again. Its not just about "me". When you have a deep relationship with Christ, you'll start to catch His heartbeat for people and sometimes it is really painful to see what He sees, to feel what He feels.

Here's a honest thought: There are times i wished i was dead. I am not suicidal. I just cant be bothered with the world anymore - i just want to be with Jesus. But i am still alive. And there is a reason why this world is still functioning even though it is so lost already.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

Sighpie.

There's one theory i've learnt in class called the Spectacle Society (refer to previous post's photo). It basically refers to how the world is increasingly taking what is real based on what is projected. Images can be easily manipulated but we still choose to be taken in by it. One example would be Instragram. We only see pretty photos and think that xxx has a perfect life. But we do not see the behind the scenes - how long he/she took to take a photo or even how much he/she has to work in order to afford a certain luxury. We dont think of all that because we dont see it. We only take reality as what is projected to us.

And i think that is so true. There is an idiom in Chinese that goes “好事不出门，坏事传千里”。It translates into good news never step out of the house while bad news travel thousand miles. An article about a demonstration/ virus outbreak / animal abuse (not even in Singapore) will garner more attention rather than say How To Honour Your Parents. I scroll through my Facebook feed and i find more negative news report than positive ones. People are also slamming Christianity. Everything floods and overwhelms me. It affects my outlook on reality. But as i am typing this, crusades are being held; thousands of people are dedicating their lives to Christ; people are standing up for their faith; people are being called out by God to be fisher of men. The only difference is that these news do not travel far and wide. I now understand the power of testimony. Truly, testimonies can save lives and give hope. 

The Bible promised us that we are indeed living in a fallen world and yes our fight is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities. But the Bible also said for us to have hope. For we trust in a living, resurrected God who has already beaten death and claimed victory forevermore.

So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O Death, where is your sting?
          O Hades, where is your victory?”
The sting of death is sin, and khe strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

I pray that even when i do not see it, i know that His hands are moving.

This is His kingdom, His power, His glory, forever amen.

A crusade with a caption: "People say if God exists then why is He blind to the sick and poor? I say where are they when God is healing and manifesting upon them?"

Hallelujah, You have overcome

Matthew 27:28-29
They stripped Him and put a scarlet robe on Him. And after twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on His head, and a reed in His right hand; and they knelt down before Him and mocked Him, saying, "Hail, King of the Jews!" 

The Roman soldiers who ridiculed Jesus by placing a crown of thorns on Him thought they had the final laugh. Little did they know that they had placed a crown of victory upon the rest of humanity. For though Jesus suffered for a time beneath the curse by laying down His life for His sheep, He overthrew death and was crowned with glory. And all who call upon the name of Jesus live in the same victory forevermore.

At the cross the work was finished, You were buried in the ground.
But the grave could not contain You for You wear the Victor's crown.

Lover of my soul

Photo: bythewayimjordon / Lyrics: Give Me Jesus by All Sons & Daughters / Edited by: Me

Sometimes there are battles so hard to fight that i want to run away. I get weary, i get sad. It is never easy, it is always tough. But as hard as i try, i cant turn away from Jesus. His love compels me even through the darkest of times.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

In this life I've had many wants and distractions. There has been many brawls and struggles. But there is only One's arms i want to run into. There's only One who can fully satisfy my soul. People can conjure many fanciful ideas and arguments about God but dont you see those are just a waste of time? All i want is Jesus. I couldnt care less about senseless talks. But though my soul, like Lot's, is distressed by the lawlessness of the age and my heart longs for heaven where my Father is, i will pick up hope and carry on. For my work here on earth is not yet finished; for there is a war to win before returning home.

Still, my heart is set on Christ because there is nothing the world could offer that I would desire more than His presence. Everything is just a way to pass time till I see my Maker once more.

In the morning, when I rise 
When I am alone,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

He says,"

I am the Lord your God, I go before you now

I stand beside you, I'm all around you

Though you feel I'm far away, I'm closer than your breath

I am with you, more than you know

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you

Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest

Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head

I am with you wherever you go

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves

I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid

If your heart and flesh fail you, I'm your faithful strength

I am with you wherever you go

Come to Me, I'm all you need

Come to Me, I'm everything

Come to Me, I'm all you need

Come to Me, I'm your everything."

Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

And i want to be still in the presence of His love.

Matthew 14:25-33

Photo: waveless-ocean / Lyrics: Oceans (Where feet may fail) by Hillsong / Edited by: Me

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

What i like best about reading the bible is that it speaks to you differently through the same passage. The story of Jesus walking on water is a short and famous story yet i have discovered so many lessons from reading it over and over again throughout the years.

7 Lessons Learnt From Walking On Water:

1. He hears. He hears even prayers as simple and short as "Lord, save me!" because everything about you matters to Him.

2. Why look at God's capability through the lens of your own ability, forgetting that though you cannot perform miracles, He can do the impossible?

3. The moment you start to focus on your fears, you also temporarily buy into the lie that your problems are bigger than your Saviour not realising that split second of doubt is enough to drag you down.

4. Did you realise when Jesus asked Peter to walk on water, he did not hesitate because he was so sure that he is faith-filled? Yet he forsook his faith at the first sign of trouble. Claiming to be brave is easy when the road is smooth. Question is, will you begin to doubt when trials start to appear?

5. Plot twist: God already knows your bravery is just a boast and that you will doubt Him during difficult times. But times when you are faithless, He is still faithful. He will save you with grace.

6. The point where you've come so far that you forgot why you even started; the point where there are still miles ahead and you cant see the end - that is the point where hope is used up for the journey so far and there is no light to recharge it for the rest of the trip. Yet if we have the faith to take the first step, may we have the faith to see it to its completion as well.

7. It is through those seemingly impossible times that your faith will blossom to full maturity at the end of it all.

Psalm 34:8

Photos: Oceannation / Lyrics: I Need You More by Jesus Culture/ Edited by: Me 

2009. I was in my cousin's church. One thought ran through my mind: How is it possible anyone love God more than their own husband or wife? I can understand if you love God. But you can't see God. You can't touch God. How do you love someone who isn't even tangible more than anyone else in your life?  

2013. The bible says to come and taste that the Lord is good. I have. And i can never look back. I never want to go back to my old life. Knowing Jesus truly was the best decision i could make in my life.

Jeremiah 29:11-17

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Jeremiah 29:11-17

Jeremiah 29:11 is a very famous verse that most Christians would have know it by heart because... well, who doesnt want to claim such a promise from God? But when Nel read the following verses during worship 2 Saturdays back, it struck me that the next few verses are even more powerful.

The context is this: Israelites, as God's chosen people, broke their convenant through unrepented sins. This is not merely a few times or just simple sins. The longevity and immorality of it were so serious that God decided to mete out justice instead of showing mercy yet again. He abandoned them to their enemies. During this period of time, prophet Jeremiah prophesied that God will call His people back.

Even though Israelites failed God time and time again, God still loves them very much and truly wants them to come back. He can still find mercy in Him to forgive them. Sure, having a God's promise for a better future is great. But i think that having God's promise of an everlasting love - that no matter what you do, you're still loved by Him - is way better.

Come away with Me, come away with Me
It's never too late, it's not too late
It's not too late for you

Annnnnd, I'm officially twenty.

He's alive and I'm alive.

To introduce us to one another, one of my professor played a game. We had to answer the question on the cue card that we took. The question on my cue card was this: If you could travel back in time which historical event would you want to visit and why? The moment i saw my question, i remembered an interview i saw where this guy got the same question and his reply was that he wanted to travel back to the time where Jesus was crucified because it would answer many questions of his.

I hesitated for a moment. I tried to think of another answer but i could not. The stares from my peers and prof was getting uncomfortable so i just blurted out, "Oh, i would like to go back to the time where Jesus was crucified. Because i am a Christian, so if i were to witness this event, it would prove that what i believe is true. If not, then well, my belief is false. So its like a confirmation of my faith,"

The moment the last few words escaped my mouth, i immediately regretted it. I regret it up till now. I should have thought through my answer carefully. Yes, i would like to witness the event. But no, it is not to confirm my faith. I have never been so sure about anything in my life. I cant even explain the feeling... this certainty that drums through my entire being and my soul. It makes me want to stomp my foot and pump my arm in the air. I have no doubt that Jesus died and rose 3 days later. 

I am absolutely convinced of this victory. 

Book: The Prodigal God

Christianity is such a dangerous religion.

You're essentially believing a man's claim to be God. As CS Lewis puts it, it is almost equivalent to a lunatic saying that he is a poached egg. And the scariest thing is that billions of people believe it. If i stepped back as a Christian and think about it, i would either be a) amazed that people actually believe such claims or b) think to myself is the world crazy or what???

My mom always asked me how is it that there is such a "good deal"? That you dont have to pay for your sins as long as you believe in Jesus. Many religions have the "you pay for your own sins" system but I was reading The Prodigal God a few months ago and i came across this:

"Mercy and forgiveness must be free and unmerited to the wrongdoer. If the wrongdoer has to do something to merit it, then it isn't mercy, but forgiveness always comes at a cost to the one granting the forgiveness."

Forgiveness comes free and easy to us. But it does not mean there's no one else paying the price. If Jesus' claims were real - can you even imagine the impact? This is not a God who sits high above and looks upon suffering from afar. This is a God who came to earth as a human to be with us; to suffer as we did; to be rejected by His people. This is an almighty and all powerful God who laid down His life for His people. This is not a God who simply says I love you. This is a God who demonstrates His love. I have never came across a God like Him. I have never known of a God who abandons His status as God and runs towards His people (literally and figuratively). I am so so so loved and I am always rendered speechless when i think about how He loves us. And that is why He is worthy of all my admiration and worship - I serve a God who first served us. I love a God who first loved us.

1 John 4:10
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.