I SAID YES (BACKSTORY).

Not every open door is from God.
But the door that God opens cannot be closed. 

It all started with this song.

I was praying about my career decision when God dropped the song in my mind. Listen to it, he said. I listened. Somewhere along letting the lyrics sink in I had decided that i wanted to live for a purpose bigger than myself, to live for Christ.

I had been deliberating much on the meaning of life during that period of time and i couldn't help but to conclude that everything is meaningless because the world will one day fade away. There is only one that thing has an impact through eternity: the lives that we help save and/or the lives that we help change. Nothing else has lasting significance.

Even so, going into full time ministry is not easy. I'll have to let go of the glitz and glam that the world offers. I won't have status. I won't have standing. I won't have anything to brag when relatives ask me what am i doing for a living. I won't be part of my friends who will achieve success in the world and live their jet-setter lifestyle. Can i really live such a life? Do i really want to?

The only thing I want in life
is to be known for loving Christ
To build His church, to love His bride
And make His name known far and wide

He is all my soul will prize
Regardless of the joy or trial
When agonizing questions rise
In Jesus all my hope abides 

It is not fame that I desire
Nor stature in my brother's eye
I pray it's said about my life
That I lived more to build Your name than mine

For this cause I live
For this cause I'd die
I surrender all
For the cause of Christ
All I once held dear
I will leave behind
For my joy is this
Oh the cause of Christ

As my thoughts went array, the lyrics flooded my mind. The final stanza of the song totally did me in. My heart was ravished. And that day, in that small corner of the church, i decided that i wanted to work at Thirst. Yes God, this is the most meaningful job i can have for now. I will do it. In tears, i ended the prayer.

I was so sure. But for the next few months, it was a battlefield.

I tried to hint to my colleagues my interest in working at Thir.st. Coincidentally, it was during this period of time when a few of them were praying for God to send someone with specific qualities to help them with the workload. And because of a team building event, they realised i was a perfect fit. As one of them exclaimed, "OH MY GOSH. We have been praying for God to send an AE and she's been under our noses all these time! God answered our prayers even before we prayed them!"

Then, I got offered a position.

This was when I started getting cold feet.

A few friends did come up to ask if I would be continuing at Thir.st after graduation. At times, inspired by people's encouragement and the emotional high, my heart soars towards a flipping 'yes'. I go into lengthy description of how God had divinely orchestrated the journey for me and people respond with applause and approval. They affirm me for living my life for Christ. A pat on the shoulder, an encouraging smile, a reassuring nod. But then, there are times i feel like screaming to them, it's not as easy as you think it is! Why don't you try being in my shoes? Why don't you try dying to self for God? Because what they don't know is what comes after the the cheering crowd disperses, when the spotlight is shut off and the audience is gone and I'm left alone on an abandoned, dark, eerily silent stage. Is this what I want? Will I regret this decision? What if, what if, what if...? Doubts creep in and I slowly sink into a sea of 'no's.

I wanna pursue Christ, I wanna place him first, I wanna give him all that I have. It sounds beautiful and noble. But it's a lofty idea and in reality, so difficult. And my biggest problem is this: I am too convicted to say no, yet too afraid to say yes. 

That is the worse place to be. And in between this chasm I oscillate back and forth, back and forth...

I know exactly what my 'yes' means. It's a yes to the killing of my personal desires. It's a yes to choose Jesus again and again in this area of my life. It's a yes to not use the talents that God has given me to pursue my own dreams but to use what he has given to pursue his. And I feel like I'm so young. Too young. Too young to be giving up my life for Christ. Too young to be giving up my inclinations. Too young to be giving up my ambitions. My calling seems less and less in the marketplace as the days pass and what frightens me the most is that my decision today is really more of an indicator of my response in the future. Why can't I pursue my own goals and serve God at the serve time? Why can't i be successful in the world's eyes and still be faithful in God's? Why must they be mutually exclusive in my case?

Why me, God, why me?

And slowly, I wasn't just swinging. I plunged into the deep end of despising my own destiny.

Down,

























down,

















































down, i fell.

I was Esau before i knew it. I suddenly knew how it feels like to despise one's own calling. But because i know how the story ended, i am also aware of how scary the consequences can be. Esau could have been part of Jesus' direct lineage but because he forfeited his birthright, he also forfeited the glory that God had planned for him.

I knew what saying yes to God meant. But in that pit, God showed me what saying 'no' to Him entailed. As a friend puts it, "We always count the cost of saying yes to God. But have we ever counted the cost of saying no to Him?"

Have we ever counted the cost of saying no to Him?

Then, earlier this month, Thir.st pushed forth stories of individuals (1, 2) who gave up their careers to pursue full time ministry. Internally, we called the series "Fools for Christ" because it was planned to come out during April's Fools and it is silly and crazy in the eyes of the world to reject high paying jobs to do charity work for a living instead.

One story really hit home for me. I completely understand the emotional struggles that the author went through during his decision making process. I resonated with the issue of comparison, the issue of defining success, the issue of cost benefit analysis, the issue of wanting to pursue one's own ambitions not aligned to God's will but above all, i identified with this sentence of his: "Deep inside, I knew that I could not serve God part-time."

He ended up responding to God's call. Part of his job scope included clearing pig's dung for the villagers in the morning. An uni grad just like you and me. Can you even imagine?

When i read the article, i asked myself, how did he do it?

You may also be thinking, how did i eventually do it?

I dont know, i dont know. All i know is that I couldn't refuse God.

I tried. I really, really tried. I attended career fairs. I signed up for companies' workshops. I even tailored my cover letter and resume, ready to send it out. But i just couldn't do it. I couldn't will my heart to be engaged while talking to potential bosses. I couldn't will myself to attend the workshops even though I had walked all the way to the venue. I couldn't will my fingers to hit the send button. Just that one step, i told myself every single time, just one step. But i couldn't. So i turned away. Every. Single. Time.

The night i made my decision, i was lying on my bed with a mind filled with trepidation. Then God brought to me a verse.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked (Psalm 84:10)

In other words, I would rather serve as a lowly servant in the middle of God's will than to be a high flyer outside of it.

I'm not demeaning Christians who work in the marketplace. The point is not the physical location. The point is God's personal call for your life. And I know it can be difficult. There were times i questioned if going into Thir.st would be a good decision for myself. What if i could be happier elsewhere? What if i regret my decision? But the God who created me knows me best. He was the one who gave me my personality. He was the one who furnished me with my gifting. He was the one who moulded my character. He knows what sort of work fits and satisfies me the best. Why? Because He knows me through and through. We each have a specific destiny not because God wants to derail us from what we enjoy but because He knows best.

He knows best.

As that realisation sunk in, I slowly let go of all the excuses - no, they were security plans - I had been making and clinging to. A rush of relief washed over me because I now know what it means when God says He is the one who clothes the flowers, the one who feeds the birds.

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap; they have no storehouse or barn, yet God feeds them... Consider how the lilies of the field grow: They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was adorned like one of these (Luke 12:24, 27)

Another colleague of mine wrote a fantastic account of how God roped her into Thir.st as well. It's a beautiful, beautiful story - one that never fails to draw tears from my eyes because God is simply too amazing. Check it out here.

I've also compiled a short list of songs that encouraged me during the decision making process. Wherever you have been called to, I hope this softens your heart. Because if your heart is truly soft towards God, you can never say no. You may deliberate. You may delay your response. But you can never say no.