BAPTISM

I don't think I've ever missed a single baptism service ever since I myself got baptised. It seems that there's always someone I know taking this step of faith with every round of water immersion experience and very often, I find myself dragging my feet there. It's quite a "waste" of time, travelling down to church for 2 whole hours just to witness a 1 minute event. Can't all my friends just baptise at one go? Sigh.

I'll admit that i don't always go with an eager heart...

But I'm always heading home with a refreshed spirit :')

I SAID YES (BACKSTORY).

Not every open door is from God.
But the door that God opens cannot be closed. 

It all started with this song.

I was praying about my career decision when God dropped the song in my mind. Listen to it, he said. I listened. Somewhere along letting the lyrics sink in I had decided that i wanted to live for a purpose bigger than myself, to live for Christ.

I had been deliberating much on the meaning of life during that period of time and i couldn't help but to conclude that everything is meaningless because the world will one day fade away. There is only one that thing has an impact through eternity: the lives that we help save and/or the lives that we help change. Nothing else has lasting significance.

Even so, going into full time ministry is not easy. I'll have to let go of the glitz and glam that the world offers. I won't have status. I won't have standing. I won't have anything to brag when relatives ask me what am i doing for a living. I won't be part of my friends who will achieve success in the world and live their jet-setter lifestyle. Can i really live such a life? Do i really want to?

The only thing I want in life
is to be known for loving Christ
To build His church, to love His bride
And make His name known far and wide

He is all my soul will prize
Regardless of the joy or trial
When agonizing questions rise
In Jesus all my hope abides 

It is not fame that I desire
Nor stature in my brother's eye
I pray it's said about my life
That I lived more to build Your name than mine

For this cause I live
For this cause I'd die
I surrender all
For the cause of Christ
All I once held dear
I will leave behind
For my joy is this
Oh the cause of Christ

As my thoughts went array, the lyrics flooded my mind. The final stanza of the song totally did me in. My heart was ravished. And that day, in that small corner of the church, i decided that i wanted to work at Thirst. Yes God, this is the most meaningful job i can have for now. I will do it. In tears, i ended the prayer.

I was so sure. But for the next few months, it was a battlefield.

I tried to hint to my colleagues my interest in working at Thir.st. Coincidentally, it was during this period of time when a few of them were praying for God to send someone with specific qualities to help them with the workload. And because of a team building event, they realised i was a perfect fit. As one of them exclaimed, "OH MY GOSH. We have been praying for God to send an AE and she's been under our noses all these time! God answered our prayers even before we prayed them!"

Then, I got offered a position.

This was when I started getting cold feet.

A few friends did come up to ask if I would be continuing at Thir.st after graduation. At times, inspired by people's encouragement and the emotional high, my heart soars towards a flipping 'yes'. I go into lengthy description of how God had divinely orchestrated the journey for me and people respond with applause and approval. They affirm me for living my life for Christ. A pat on the shoulder, an encouraging smile, a reassuring nod. But then, there are times i feel like screaming to them, it's not as easy as you think it is! Why don't you try being in my shoes? Why don't you try dying to self for God? Because what they don't know is what comes after the the cheering crowd disperses, when the spotlight is shut off and the audience is gone and I'm left alone on an abandoned, dark, eerily silent stage. Is this what I want? Will I regret this decision? What if, what if, what if...? Doubts creep in and I slowly sink into a sea of 'no's.

I wanna pursue Christ, I wanna place him first, I wanna give him all that I have. It sounds beautiful and noble. But it's a lofty idea and in reality, so difficult. And my biggest problem is this: I am too convicted to say no, yet too afraid to say yes. 

That is the worse place to be. And in between this chasm I oscillate back and forth, back and forth...

I know exactly what my 'yes' means. It's a yes to the killing of my personal desires. It's a yes to choose Jesus again and again in this area of my life. It's a yes to not use the talents that God has given me to pursue my own dreams but to use what he has given to pursue his. And I feel like I'm so young. Too young. Too young to be giving up my life for Christ. Too young to be giving up my inclinations. Too young to be giving up my ambitions. My calling seems less and less in the marketplace as the days pass and what frightens me the most is that my decision today is really more of an indicator of my response in the future. Why can't I pursue my own goals and serve God at the serve time? Why can't i be successful in the world's eyes and still be faithful in God's? Why must they be mutually exclusive in my case?

Why me, God, why me?

And slowly, I wasn't just swinging. I plunged into the deep end of despising my own destiny.

Down,

























down,

















































down, i fell.

I was Esau before i knew it. I suddenly knew how it feels like to despise one's own calling. But because i know how the story ended, i am also aware of how scary the consequences can be. Esau could have been part of Jesus' direct lineage but because he forfeited his birthright, he also forfeited the glory that God had planned for him.

I knew what saying yes to God meant. But in that pit, God showed me what saying 'no' to Him entailed. As a friend puts it, "We always count the cost of saying yes to God. But have we ever counted the cost of saying no to Him?"

Have we ever counted the cost of saying no to Him?

Then, earlier this month, Thir.st pushed forth stories of individuals (1, 2) who gave up their careers to pursue full time ministry. Internally, we called the series "Fools for Christ" because it was planned to come out during April's Fools and it is silly and crazy in the eyes of the world to reject high paying jobs to do charity work for a living instead.

One story really hit home for me. I completely understand the emotional struggles that the author went through during his decision making process. I resonated with the issue of comparison, the issue of defining success, the issue of cost benefit analysis, the issue of wanting to pursue one's own ambitions not aligned to God's will but above all, i identified with this sentence of his: "Deep inside, I knew that I could not serve God part-time."

He ended up responding to God's call. Part of his job scope included clearing pig's dung for the villagers in the morning. An uni grad just like you and me. Can you even imagine?

When i read the article, i asked myself, how did he do it?

You may also be thinking, how did i eventually do it?

I dont know, i dont know. All i know is that I couldn't refuse God.

I tried. I really, really tried. I attended career fairs. I signed up for companies' workshops. I even tailored my cover letter and resume, ready to send it out. But i just couldn't do it. I couldn't will my heart to be engaged while talking to potential bosses. I couldn't will myself to attend the workshops even though I had walked all the way to the venue. I couldn't will my fingers to hit the send button. Just that one step, i told myself every single time, just one step. But i couldn't. So i turned away. Every. Single. Time.

The night i made my decision, i was lying on my bed with a mind filled with trepidation. Then God brought to me a verse.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked (Psalm 84:10)

In other words, I would rather serve as a lowly servant in the middle of God's will than to be a high flyer outside of it.

I'm not demeaning Christians who work in the marketplace. The point is not the physical location. The point is God's personal call for your life. And I know it can be difficult. There were times i questioned if going into Thir.st would be a good decision for myself. What if i could be happier elsewhere? What if i regret my decision? But the God who created me knows me best. He was the one who gave me my personality. He was the one who furnished me with my gifting. He was the one who moulded my character. He knows what sort of work fits and satisfies me the best. Why? Because He knows me through and through. We each have a specific destiny not because God wants to derail us from what we enjoy but because He knows best.

He knows best.

As that realisation sunk in, I slowly let go of all the excuses - no, they were security plans - I had been making and clinging to. A rush of relief washed over me because I now know what it means when God says He is the one who clothes the flowers, the one who feeds the birds.

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap; they have no storehouse or barn, yet God feeds them... Consider how the lilies of the field grow: They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was adorned like one of these (Luke 12:24, 27)

Another colleague of mine wrote a fantastic account of how God roped her into Thir.st as well. It's a beautiful, beautiful story - one that never fails to draw tears from my eyes because God is simply too amazing. Check it out here.

I've also compiled a short list of songs that encouraged me during the decision making process. Wherever you have been called to, I hope this softens your heart. Because if your heart is truly soft towards God, you can never say no. You may deliberate. You may delay your response. But you can never say no.

I SAID YES.

x

Starting June, I will be working at thir.st as a full time staff. A full time minister.

I can't believe this is actually happening.

Those who have been part of this journey of mine would know that this decision hasn't been easy for me. And to be honest, I didn't even fully let on the extent of the tug o war in my heart. It was such a battle. The entire decision making process started and ended with tears.

I want to document my emotional trajectory on this blog - I have been doing so in my phone - of how this decision came to be because I know that there will be times in the future when I start to waver and lose sight of why I said yes in the first place. I want to be able to look back and remind myself the reasons that propelled me once and will propel me once again when needed.

I also hope this will encourage you to live up to God's calling for yourself, especially into the field of full time ministry. The struggle is real when the place (you think) you want to be is not the place God wants you to be. Even if you are sure of God's calling in your life, there will be times when doubts plague your mind. Been there, done that.

Meanwhile, be faithful wherever you are. You never know where that might lead you :)

A #thirst tag can be found at the bottom of all related posts for easy tracking.

INSECURE

The word felt foreign on my tongue as I verbalised it out. An unsavory taste lingered on.

You know, I never thought I had to use that word to describe myself. There were times I felt lacking, sure. But insecure? Never crossed my mind. Insecure is a word to describe people who over-excel because they want to prove their worth. That's not me. I don't try to excel. I just want to be average. I don't want to stand out. I just want to blend in.

But the irony is this: my insecurity is the precise reason why i caged myself within the iron-clad comfort zones of mediocrity that i've built. I refuse to step out so that i will never have a chance to feel insecure. I avoid setting high expectations because I don't want to get disappointed and feel lousy. And i don't want people to notice me because I'm afraid they will try to pull me out of my rut if they do.

So you see, just because your insecurities don't get a chance to manifest doesn't mean that you don't have them.

Insecurity comes about when there is a misplacement of trust - especially trust in ourselves. Because there will be times when we fail. And insecurity results from the fear of such occasions where our weaknesses show through and we get exposed that we are not who we portray ourselves to be.

But I can be secure in Christ if i truly understand what I have is not from myself but from God. Because if i truly understand it, the proper reaction is gratitude. When you are thankful, you stop comparing. And if i truly understand it, successes and failures wont define me because they all belong to God anyway. It doesn't point to me. It doesn't add to me. And consequently, it doesn't subtract from me either.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

I hadn't realised this before but my insecurity spilled over into so many areas of my life: Work/studies. Friendships. Faith. I won't go into details because the entire journey of me reaching this point of awakening is sooooooooooooooooooooo long. Instead, I will cut straight to the post-awakening zone. This is my camp reflection and resolution for 2017 (i knowwwww i took such a long time to write this post not because i procrastinated but because it was so hard for me to formulate my words): The boundaries that I've been keeping to may feel safe and comforting. But I'm stepping out.

With lots of fear and trembling.

But I'm stepping out.

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

:')

YOUR PRESENCE IS THE TRUE NORTH

Today is the start of my internship with Thir.st, an upcoming Christian website/e-mag. I thought this would be a good time to post about my testimony of how God is faithful even in times when I was faithless. Some of you may have heard this story from me but God has proven Himself yet again and therefore, there is a continuation to the story. I hope this testimony blesses and encourages you, wherever you are.

Part 1: The Call

When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses, Moses!" The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey." But Moses said to God, 

"Who am I, that I should go the Phraraoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

Few years back at a church conference, I responded to an altar call where I decided to use my blog to glorify God in the media sector. This led to many difficult decisions I had to make along the way. Decisions such as making this blog public, linking it to my social media accounts and even writing and imparting spiritual knowledge (rather than just mindless blabbering and personal sharing). The process was hard because it took out so much of me. Not just my time or my effort but me. Myself. I did not like the idea of people having access to parts of me - especially when I do not even know who the potential readers might be. Nevertheless, one can fight against the Holy Spirit for so long. I eventually died to self and linked my blog's URL to all my social media platforms. I started to post more spiritual content and even embarked on this #spiritualappetizer segment subsequently in order to honour my promise to God.

Part 2: The Rebellion

All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?" And they said to each other, 

"We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt."

And yet, for the longest period of time, I did not know what in the world i was doing. This mission of mine felt small and insignificant. I mean the readership isn't big since I generally try to keep a low profile so why in the world did God convict me to use my blog for a greater purpose? At this point I want to say that it was not that this space completely did not have any impact. But I felt that my sacrifice was so big that the result could not justify it at all. I know this is not the kind of attitude we should have; I was too focused on myself, too focused on my "loss" that I refused to see any gains that it reaped. My offering to God became an exchange. I thought to myself, "God I gave up so much of me... but what am I doing all these for? Where are the fruits? Where is the reward?"

And so, I began to wonder if my sacrifice was worth it at all.

Following that, there were many times I was faithless. I contemplated shutting down this space. I procrastinated on topics that God revealed to me. I mean, yeah I could argue that I was faithful because I did continue trudging on in the end. But it was a faithfulness that lacked faith. And any gift that lacked faith does not please God.

Part 3: The Providence

For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.

-
The Lord said to Moses,“I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God.'"

It felt like i was wandering around in the 'wilderness' for the past few years. Then some months ago, I caught up with HH. She randomly told me that the place she's working at was looking for writers. I decided to take up the challenge - partly because I had time and I thought why not use it wisely and partly because I wanted to be more disciplined in honouring God in the media sector. I felt that I would be more motivated (or like forced) to hone my skills and to write if I had a legitimate reason to.

I did not expect much - in fact I told HH I was willing to do this for free - because honestly I didn't have any related experience or qualifications. Even as I was preparing my "portfolio", I felt lost. I had nothing to show in the past few years that was related to writing except for my socio essays. I mean seriously!! HH then assured me that it was all very informal and that's when I decided to heck it and send in my #spiritualappetizers as my portfolio.

Long story short, I got the position as a contributor.

I initially did not think much about it but as the week passed, it started to sink into me that I got the position by the one thing I despised the most - my blog posts. Feelings began to bubble inside of me as I realised that God did not abandon me. For all the times I felt lost and aimless with what I was doing, God was there paving a way.

But that's not the end.

Part 4: The Promised Land

Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it.

-

So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. 

The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; 

the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; 

every one was fulfilled.

As they are a non-profit organization, they do not have the budget to pay for freelancers. This was fine with me as getting paid was not my main intention anyway. Along the way, one of my colleagues asked if i was interested to attend this writing course which will set me back by $300. I had a hard time deciding because i felt that if i wanted to pursue honour God with my writing, I should be investing my time and resources to build my skills up right? But i was financially tight. I had recently started sponsoring a kid, something that I wanted to do for quite some time. My allowance dipped right after i made the decision. So for the past few months, I had been living in deficit. I did question God for awhile. Like, omg why is this happening right now? I mean, it wasnt a drastic change but i definitely had to be more conscious about my expenditure otherwise my savings will deplete over time. Going for a workshop seemed out of the question.

Amidst all these, the boss of the company randomly contacted me for an interview as he wanted to extend an internship to me during my holidays. I headed down to chat with him and he offered me a good pay and was flexible to accommodate the other commitments i have. As i laid on my bed that night thinking about this matter, i suddenly got reminded of a prophecy that was spoken over me 2 months back. The person prophecised a lot of things (ridiculous things may i add) over me and throughout the entire experience, my eyebrows were furrowed in confusion because i had no idea how the things he said will ever come to pass. But out of respect, i just kept all the prophecies in my heart, noting the more immediate prophecies that i could test out. One of which was that i would start a new season in my life in mid November/ December.

If i were to take on the internship, i would be starting on 14th November (since that's when my semester officially ends as i do not have exams) and that is right smack in the middle of the month of November. My stint would only last till December since i will be starting a new semester in January. During my interview, i discovered that one of the main motivating factors of the company matches the area i had a soft spot for. And if i really took up the offer, i would be able to pay for the workshop and still have leftover which will cover for the past months that i had been dipping into my savings. The eerie thing was that if my previous job assignments hadn't been taken away from me, i would not be able to accept this internship due to conflict of schedule.

Everything simply... fell nicely into place.

Part 5: The Conclusion

In Exodus 33, God had enough of the Israelites' contempt and unfaithfulness. He told Moses that He would deliver them from their enemies and keep His promise of a land flowing with milk and honey but He will not be with them. In other words, they can have His promises, but not His presence. And Moses cried out, "If Your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here." Moses understood that God's promises without His presence are not worth having. He refused to take a step into the Promised Land if God wasn't with them.

Some of you may find yourself in a similar situation as i was right now. Perhaps you're looking for something from God in exchange for your offering. Or perhaps you feel like God had promised you something only to let you down. Perhaps you're praying to God for a sign of reassurance but to no avail. But if there's one thing that i've learnt throughout this entire process is that God never fails. Even in the darkest of nights where i could not see the path ahead; when i felt alone battling with doubts and anxieties; when i lost focus on the reason why i even do the things i do, He has always been by my side, leading me. We just need to continue to be faithful.

Honestly, I am not sure if the internship is the end the journey itself. Maybe there will be more, maybe this is it. Either way, I have learnt to not seek after what God can give but to trust and be contented in Him for He is a faithful Father who has never once abandoned us. To those whom He has entrusted, He has a plan. He is our compass. He is our guide.

Yes indeed, Your presence is the only assurance we need.

I'M BAAAAAACK

Not just physically, but spiritually as well.

I have this pattern whereby the frequency i blog is somewhat reflective of how well i am doing spiritually. The weeks leading up to my departure to Germany were not easy. Personal issues surfaced and so did my friends'. Holiday was my escape. I ran away from the things happening in Singapore. I had a 'reason' not to text people, not to reply to messages - not to read them, even. And truth be told, i wasn't just running away from my life. I was also running away from God. I felt that the burdens He had placed upon me were too much for me to shoulder. I was conflicted indeed. Part of me wanted to remain true to Him and the other part of me was just crumbling at the weight of it all. Break my heart for what breaks Yours? Sometimes I can barely breathe those words out when we belt out Hosanna (which btw, is one of the hardest song for me to sing and i am not talking about technicalities).

It was with such spirit that i flew to Germany and thereafter, Itay. There was one time i started tearing up because i thought about all the statues, paintings and relics i've seen on the trip and thought about how they were made as a worship unto God. The artists dedicated their lives creating such majestic art pieces as a reflection of their awe, wonder and adoration. And because of this devotion, God is glorified even centuries after their death. And it struck me what am I doing in my life that is of worship unto God? God is so great. But what am I doing to show His majesty in my life? That when others look at my life, they wonder who is this God that I serve and pledge my allegiance to?

And cue the waterworks.

I think God works wonders though. A friend who had no idea what was happening in my life texted me her QT which had Romans 12:1-2 as its anchor verses. It says:

A Living Sacrifice
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I am not going to go in depth into explanation but that 2 verses encapsulate what worshipping God looks like, why we should worship and how should we go about doing it. It cut deep in my heart and ministered to me. Right now, i am in a better position and ready to bounce back. But above all, i know how to protect myself from falling.

Thank you Jesus. You are truly worthy of it all.

WARM AND COSY

Went to Rollie Ollie to eat on Monday. Mmm, i love their sushi (SO GOOD) although i don't recommend the salad because it is not worth the price.

Juenie juen juen, do you know you're such a scatterbrain? I find it hilarious how you can jump from topic to topic at such a lightning speed because you really speak your mind and your mind is all over the place hahaha. Thanks for being a wonderful friend to me! Honestly, i don't really know why you'd consider me a good friend because i don't think i did anything exceptionally touching or deserving of it. I also cannot pinpoint when we became good friends. Was it when we served together for NYC camp? When we were in the same LG? Was it when we dubsmashed? When we hugged each other? My memory eludes me but thank you for always including me in your life and for being interested in in mine haha. A little sad that you took down your blog :( Need to find a new way to plug myself into your life now :'(

The LGL family went to Minds Cafe on Friday. It was raining so heavily that day yet all of us persistently made our way down to that cosy corner of Prinsep Street :') After 2 rounds of Fish Eats Fish, we decided to play something more chill. "Let's play some cooperative game" said one. "Yes, let's find something less stressful," agreed another... And they came back with Jenga Boom and Woodman. HAHAHA.

Still, i left after a great session of laughing. Seasons In The Sun was playing in the cafe as we were leaving (God, was that you?? Haha). For too long, it felt like all of us were engrossed in our own LGs and our own struggles. I've always sensed a huge discrepancy between my SP and my NYC ministry. I had a lot of fun serving during my SP ministry and it didn't feel like hard work most of the time even when there were many crisis. All of us ran together hand in hand (and i wasn't even a leader back then) and I think that was why even when we had hurdles, it didn't seem all that bad.

I was sharing my thoughts to some of the LGLs and they had the same sentiments too. So i am glad that we are now taking initiative to foster bonds between one another. Last Friday night was a good start. Let's continue to warm up to each other and put the 'family' in the NYC LGL Family.

It seems that God was using this week to bring me back to my past - before NYC; before ministry started to get the better of me; before i only related to people in working terms; before i fenced myself up. I was reminded of who i was and how ministry should look like and how warm people are. I don't know if it is possible for me to ever revert back completely but i am thankful for this week, thankful for the people who patiently waited for me and apologetic to those who got hurt in the process.

And to many others who are like me - being aloof or cynical is not natural or what you need, even if you think it is. I can understand how the drudgery of life and people takes a toll on us and how we can be tricked into thinking that we just want to distance ourselves. But God designed us for communion. We can never make it alone. Situations and circumstances may sometimes make it hard for us to open up to others but let's not forget that walking the path of solitude is the real toll.

And as with all other fears, taking the first step is the hardest but once you've crossed the line, you'll looked back and see that there was nothing much to fear in the first place.

Jiayou everyone!

There must be something in the water

A few days back, i took a trip down to church office to bless and surprise Sab. She was touched by my gesture but i didn't think too much about it. It was only yesterday that i realised one year ago - exactly one year ago - i had hated to even take out time to spend with someone.

1  2  3  4

Obviously it was an intense and dire situation last May that I had to use my blog as an outlet so frequently in that short frame of time. Truly loving someone was such a sacrifice for me. I wanted to be in solitude but i always had friends to meet, people to care for. I loved in my own way (which was not much to begin with), and it never seemed enough. People were always demanding more and more of me. More time, more love, more care, more concern... I was suffocating.

It continued for quite some time. But God showed me the way eventually. Having to love people was not the root problem, placing myself above others was. If human's love has a capacity, then I was loving myself so much that there was no room left in my heart for others.

This holiday I am yet again extremely busy with even more people to meet. Work/task does not daunt me. Being physically present with people for an extended period of time does. If it were me a year ago, I would have been on the brink of madness, crying myself to sleep every night. But thank God I've grown in this area, that He made me go through what i went through. Without the ordeal last year, i would feel even more choked now that i have to lead a group. An old friend texted me upon knowing i was a LGL now that my heart will be stretched so much that i didn't know i could love so many people.

Lol. *gulps*

Sometimes i wonder how much of church is structural planning and how much of it really is the flow and work of the HS when everything seems so... structured. But this entire incident really showed me how God can move even through man's plans and that He really goes before us. He knows exactly what we lack and what we need and is leading us. He is always preparing us for greater purposes ahead even if we do not know it.

I am not trying to boast about my own capabilities here (in fact it was Tricia who initiated to bless the LG and I was caught by surprise because I didn't even think that far) nor am i trying to boast that i was destined to be a leader (though it is interesting why the position of a church leader is even highly desired - i'll do a blog post about this another time). But if I have to boast, then I will boast of my own weaknesses for it is through them God is glorified. This time last year I was fighting a battle with myself. If it weren't for Him, I would never bother changing. Who would when you have to go through such internal turmoil? But I love the person He has made me become - or rather, the person He has created me to be (though i am still a work in progress).

All these thoughts came to me while i was lying on bed last night. This week has not been just a reflection, but also a realisation that I am (once again) a changed person. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude because God would even bother with a wretch like me.

Your great love will lead me through

I had meant to post this last week but the first week of holiday was so hectic that today is the first day i can stop and catch my breath for more than an hour. Cant believe I'm saying this but...

Thank God for Monday!

The past week was filled with apprehension because i had to officially conduct LG without my safety net, aka Hang, for the first time. I wasn't sure if i was able to stop being such a martha and start being more of a mary; i wasn't sure if i could get people to follow my lead.. etc etc. My Lighthouse by Rend Collective became my mantra for that week. 

The melody sounds way too chirpy and upbeat for the song to be deeply meaningful but i actually like every line because each sentence has its significance.

Anyway, God has proven time and time again He is the shepherd of His own flock. LG turned out fine eventually. More than fine, if i'd say so myself. Im just really grateful for the people inside my LG and the leaders who have given me much support throughout.

And also, we sang How He Loves during service last Saturday. I never thought i would be able to hear that in my church and so i was extremely pleasantly surprised. It is hands down the most poetic, most touching, most beautifully written worship song I've ever heard. It is the first song that i loved so much that i wanted to match its stunning lyrics with beautiful images. You can see it here.

Have a wonderful week ahead everyone! :)

I am trapped in a boxing ring.

My nose is bloody. My vision is blurred. I can't even stand.

Yet here I am, getting punched repeatedly with no way out. I am so tired already. Let them beat me up  for all they want. I just want to slump in a corner, close my eyes and drift off. I find myself thinking, "when will this all end?"

I can almost taste the iron at the tip of my tongue now. God where is the victory that you promised me? I'm starting to lose my focus. I cry out, "where are you God?"

A pause.

And then I hear his reply. Repeated in various forms.

A wave of relief rushes over me. My breathing regains its steady tempo. I feel better already. God assured me of his presence and his presence is comforting for I'll know that he is still in control, even in a losing fight.

I had forgotten something, though. I had forgotten that my God is a God who understands what I'm going through because he has went through it himself - and worse. For when Jesus cried "Abba Father, why have you forsaken me?", there was no answer. I don't think I'll be able to get up if God ever turns his face away from me. I think I'll just give up and die there. There's no way I would be able to cope.

But God did reply.
His presence is still with me.
And so, I trudge on.

Ecclesiastes 3:11a

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

"Like the mystics, I wanted my soul to fly through the air, powdered with the pollen of the frosty night, dusting the stars with the clouds from my feet."

I went back to SP today. It brought back a lot of memories. The damned hill littered with smokers and clogged with people moving so sluggishly every morning that by the time i reached my class i would have been 15 minutes late; the $1 nuggets that i spammed every single break because it was so cheap; the oversized open study area with gigantic fans... i missed every single bit of it. I really had the time of my life in poly and i never ever regretted choosing poly over jc no matter what people say.

Most of all, i miss the SP kids. I love meeting the SP people because i saw how they were when they first came in and how brillantly they shine for Jesus now. When i left SP, things were pretty unstable. But everything changed thereafter. The kids now lap up God's word like nobody business. They pray, they fast, they intensely study the Bible, they bravely share their faith, they are in tuned with the spiritual realm. They don't obey God - they yield to Him. I am ashamed of myself but i am always proud and happy to see them so passionate.

I have been so caught up with work that i had forgotten my true source of joy and my ultimate destination. I want to set my sights on things unseen, things so far in future that nobody has heard or even seen before. Results, tests, homework all seem so minute in comparison to eternity (not that they are unimportant).

Lord, i pray this prayer today. Let me know Your heart and fulfil the calling that You've set me on. Prune me, and bring me to greater spiritual heights. I don't want to walk in the physical realm. I want to walk in the spiritual realm. Make my heart complete and let me dwell in Your midst. May Your presence be my joy now and forever. Amen and amen.

Things i'll like to commit myself to:
1. Prayer and intercession
2. Bible study
3. Worship

I am going to learn to love spending time with God. I don't know how. But i will.

Steward it well & Pass it on

1. I got to spend extra time with the two loves of my life. I had wanted to spend more time with my popo because even though i visit her every Sunday, it was always a short 30 minute. So i went down after school one day and brought some Old Chang Kee as well. We even slept side by side together hehehe. And although i did not plan to go out with my other grandmother, my aunt suddenly had some restaurant promotion and i managed to eat (8 course lunch!!!) and spend time with my mama. Very fulfilling indeed, haha. You can totally see the chocolate that's stuck on my teeth even after trying so hard to remove it.

2. I keep saying i want to go India to do missions but honestly, im just all talk and no do. Previously my friend invited me a Christmas party outreaching to indian migrant workers in SG but i just excused myself. Why? Because my heart sinks every time there is an outreaching activity (doing missions in a foreign land seems easier and cooler somehow and also because of my prejudice against Indian workers in SG. I should know better as an educated person but it is not easy to throw out a mindset that has been instilled in me since young ok). How i wish i was like many others - on fire and fearless when it comes to spreading the love of God. Alas, this is me: avoiding the nitty gritty stuff and passing the opportunity of celebrating Christmas with the migrant workers, which i felt regretful afterwards. Hence, today was a God-given opportunity. Not only because there was an event for me to attend, but also because i was able to excuse myself from going to my grandmothers' place this afternoon due to my sister's award ceremony. And it wasn't that i had no more fear - rather, i am the kind of person who would press my bruise until it numbs. And so i went despite wanting to die on my way there. You have no idea. It turned out to be enjoyable. I am thinking of volunteering regularly.

3. I met an exchange student previously on a bus as she was unable to settle her bus fare. We exchanged numbers in case she needed any help around school and turns out she is pretty excited about meeting me again. She. Asked. Me. Out. For. Lunch. What?!

Discouragement slams me in my face every time i bolstered up my courage to outreach. It was to the point i resigned that i was probably the sower and never the harvester - destined to never see the fruits of my (or anyone else's for that matter) work - in the grand scheme of things. Coupled with my apprehensiveness, my fear for outreaching grew. But God opened up so many doors for me this week and you have no idea what this even means. For the first time in my life i am actually seeing the shoot (shoot!!!) of the seeds that fell from the sky! As what my LG would say, "easy fish"! I am half scared to death and half amazed at how this week has turned out. Guess i have no choice but to yoke to Jesus and get dragged along lol.

The Wagon With Three Stones

(adapted from a story by Rosemarie Kowalski)

The story is told of a man who met God in a lovely valley one day.

“How are you this morning?” God asked the fellow

“I’m fine, thank you,” the man replied. “Is there anything I can do for you today?”

“Yes, there is,” God said. “I have a wagon with three stones in it, and I need someone to pull it up the hill for me. Are you willing?”

“Yes, I’d love to do something for you. Those stones don’t look very heavy and the wagon’s in good shape. I’d be happy to do this. Where would you like me to take it?”

God gave the man specific instructions, sketching a map in the dust at the side of the road. “Go through the woods and up the road that winds up the side of the hill. Once you get to the top, just leave the wagon there. Thank you for your willingness to help me today.”

“No problem!” the man replied and set off cheerfully. The wagon pulled a bit behind him, but the burden was an easy one. He began to whistle as he walked quickly through the forest. The sun peeked through the trees and warmed his back. What a joy to be able to help the Lord, he thought, enjoying the beautiful day.

Just around the third bend, he walked into a small village. People smiled and greeted him. Then, at the last house, a man stopped him and asked, “How are you this morning? What a nice wagon you have. Where are you off to?”

“Well, God gave me a job this morning. I’m delivering these three stones to the top of the hill.”

“My goodness! Can you believe it? I was just praying this morning about how I was going to get this rock I have up to the top of the mountain,” the man told him with great excitement. “You don’t suppose you could take it up there for me? It would be such an answer to prayer.”

The man with the wagon smiled and said, “Of course. I don’t suppose God would mind. Just put it behind the other three stones.” Then he set off with three stones and a rock rolling behind him.

The wagon seemed a bit heavier. He could feel the jolt of each bump, and the wagon seemed to pull to one side a bit. The man stopped to adjust the load as he sang a hymn of praise, pleased to be helping out a brother as he served God. Then he set off again and soon reached another small village at the side of the road. A good friend lived there and offered him a glass of cider.

“You’re going to the top of the hill?” his oldest friend asked.

“Yes! I am so excited. Can you imagine, God gave me something to do?”

“Hey!” said his friend. “I need this bag of pebbles taken up. I’ve been so worried that it might not get taken care of since I haven’t any time to do it myself. But you could fit it right between the three stones here in the middle.” With that, he placed his burden in the wagon.

“Shouldn’t be a problem,” the man said. “I think I can handle it.” He finished the cider, then stood up and brushed his hands on his overalls before gripping the handle of the wagon. He waved good-bye and began to pull the wagon back onto the road.

The wagon was definitely tugging on his arm now, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. As he started up the incline, he began to feel the weight of the three stones, the rock, and the pebbles. Still, it felt good to help a friend. Surely God would be proud of how energetic and helpful he’d been.

One little stop followed another, and the wagon grew fuller and fuller. The sun was hot above the man pulling it, and his shoulders ached with the strain. The songs of praise and thanksgiving that had filled his heart had long since left his lips as resentment began to build inside. Surely this wasn’t what he had signed up for that morning. God had given him a burden heavier than he could bear.

The wagon felt huge and awkward as it lumbered and swayed in the road. Frustrated, the man was beginning to have visions of giving up and letting the wagon roll backward. God was playing a cruel game with him. The wagon lurched, and the load of obligations collided with the back of his legs, leaving bruises. “This is it!” he fumed. “God can’t expect me to haul this all the way up the mountain.”

“Oh God,” he wailed. “This is too hard for me! I thought you were behind this trip, but I am overcome by the heaviness of it. You’ll have to get someone else to do it. I’m just not strong enough.”

As he prayed, God came to his side, “Sounds like you’re having a hard time. What’s the problem?”

“You gave me a job that is too hard for me,” the man sobbed. “I’m just not up to it!” God walked over to where the wagon was braced with a stone. “What is this?” He held up the bag of pebbles.

“That belongs to John, my good friend. He didn’t have time to bring it up himself. I thought I would help.”

“And this?” God tumbled two pieces of shale over the side of the wagon as the man tried to explain.

God continued to unload the wagon, removing both light and heavy items. They dropped to the ground, the dust swirling up around them. The man who had hoped to help God grew silent. “If you will be content to let others take their own burdens,” God told him, “I will help you with your task.”

“But I promised I would help! I can’t leave these things lying here.”

“Let others shoulder their own belongings,” God said gently. “I know you were trying to help, but when you are weighed down with all these cares, you cannot do what I have asked of you.”

The man jumped to his feet, suddenly realizing the freedom God was offering. “You mean I only have to take the three stones after all?” he asked.

“That is what I asked you to do.” God smiled. “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light. I will never ask you to carry more than you can bear.”

“I can do that!” said the man, grinning from ear to ear. He grabbed the wagon handle and set off once again, leaving the rest of the burdens beside the road. The wagon still lurched and jolted lightly, but he hardly noticed.

A new song filled his lips, and he noticed a fragrant breeze wafting over the path. With great joy he reached the top of the hill. It had been a wonderful day, for he had done what the Lord had asked.

You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.

Luke 10:41-42

From a friend's blog.
It may not be applicable to my current situation but this story would have spoke to me a few months back. Decided to post it up as a reminder that "you are not their god".

❝ He would rather go to hell for you than go to heaven without you. ❞

❝ Nothing in my nature is a Godly woman. So every morning I have a challenge ahead. I need prayer. ❞

You'd Better Pound That Arrow

2 Kings 13:14-20
When Elisha was in his last illness, King Jehoash of Israel visited him and wept over him. “My father! My father! I see the chariots and charioteers of Israel!” he cried.

Elisha told him, “Get a bow and some arrows.” And the king did as he was told. Elisha told him, “Put your hand on the bow,” and Elisha laid his own hands on the king’s hands.

Then he commanded, “Open that eastern window,” and he opened it. Then he said, “Shoot!” So he shot an arrow. Elisha proclaimed, “This is the Lord’s arrow, an arrow of victory over Aram, for you will completely conquer the Arameans at Aphek.”

Then he said, “Now pick up the other arrows and strike them against the ground.” So the king picked them up and struck the ground three times. But the man of God was angry with him. “You should have struck the ground five or six times!” he exclaimed. “Then you would have beaten Aram until it was entirely destroyed. Now you will be victorious only three times.”

Then Elisha died and was buried.

Jehoash knew how many battles it took to thoroughly win a war. But he had been through too many fights and he was sick of it. He did not want to win. He just wanted to settle for a "survived".

Despite the anti-climax ending, I will keep on pounding.
Freely I have received, freely I will give.

Cafe: Loysel's Toy Cafe / Book: What Gives Us Our Names

My timetable sucks. The only consolation i have is that i live in a hostel so its good to know that i can retreat to my safe haven within 20 minutes in comparison to the 2.5 hours travelling time if i were to stay at home. The hall i live in is pretty, other than the fact that it is at the far end of school and it is right next to a jungle. But the best part has got to be other church members living in hostel too. 

I did not know that there were so many people from my church living in hostel. In fact, i just discovered that there is someone from church living 2 rooms away from me! And its great because everyone is a whatsapp away to meeting up for meals. I had an impromptu brunch and dinner the other day. And an impromptu worship session. I was grumbling because JJ called us early in the morning and took away my sleeping time but i think i was secretly happy inside. Hahaha, and the fact that im staying with XX means we can do worship together and bible readings and talk about anything in the darkness at night while drifting off to sleep. The whole environment really reminded me of Acts where believers gathered everyday to share life and everyone was everyone's family. This greatly encouraged me.

I didnt have any lessons today so i went to Loysel's Toy Cafe to have my first shepherding with my new shepherd. The shop name is misleading because there are no toys in sight at all. However, I thoroughly enjoyed the meal (Egg Ben Trio!) and the time spent. It is located at one ulu part of Lavendar but i love discovering hidden gems. It makes me feel as though i am on an adventure far off from the world.

"Truly," he said, "It is what we love that gives us our names."

And i finally returned Anginn her book. What Gives Us Our Names is an extremely short and simple read yet so inspiring. I am going to get one copy for myself.

Overall, this week has been pretty good to me so far. I will probably do a room tour soon because it is kind of hard to find information on the internet regarding NTU's hostel. I'm just left with a few decor to go. We'll see how. Till then.

Towards Your light I come running, I come running

A car is made to run on petrol, and it would not run properly on anything else. Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

I have had quite a decent childhood. I come from a family where love is never lacking. Yet, in an incomprehensible way, i experienced happiness like never before after coming to know Christ. Love and joy overflows my heart as if there was a limit previously and now the limit is gone and i am able to go far beyond what i was able to do. I am able to love like never before, be happy like never before...

I want to share this happiness with friends and people i love. I want them to experience this joyfulness! I want them to bask in an overflowing amount of love! I want them to be as loved as i am, to be as happy as i am because come on who wouldnt want their loved ones to be happy?? This gift - this gift of happiness - is the greatest gift i have to offer to anyone though I understand that not everyone would want to accept it.

To the person who has been telling me how the bitterness inside her has now been replaced by an unspeakable joy; how she wakes up every morning and knows that she is loved, how she is able to let go of the frustrations in her life and be at peace... Congratulations. I am happy not because you became a Christian (this kind of labelling feels wrong because it is more than just believing in Jesus) but because you are experiencing true and complete happiness now (':

Thank you for being my friend and for supporting me through these years. I know that our friendship will only be better from now on for now we are holding on to the same love, same happiness and most importantly, same hope.

Happy 1 month (:

2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit-just as you were called to one hope when you were called- 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

Ephesians 4:2-6

Cupcake cupcake

I went to microwave a cupcake but it burned. The stupid plastic holder says it can hold up to 100 degrees but the bottom got melted ): My house smells like smoke now. Anyway, the cupcake. So i couldnt eat the burnt one and had to get another from the refrigerator. Didnt heat that up. Hopefully i wont enter law exam with runny nose AND stomachache, seeing that the cupcakes are a week old.

Good luck to all!

Jesus you're all i need

"The few color-blind people who loudly insist “RED DOESN’T EXIST!” will never convince the billions who see, love and enjoy red!" - Rick Warren 

 "Stupid," she scoffs, "God is just an imaginary person that you create in your mind!"


You could have said something offending to her; you could rebuke her; you could glare at her; you could walk away. Instead, you smile. The corners of your mouth slowly stretched until it could go on no more. This confuses you as much as it confuses her. You dont know why you are gently biting your lips as your eyes dance in happiness. It was as though you and your friend shared an inside joke and you were trying to keep it in.


"That's what you think," you reply with a stupid, lopsided grin. By then, your cheeks were aching already.


You smiled not because you were mocking her. And certainly not because you wanted to agitate her. You smiled because you knew.


You knew better than she did.

He who has ears, let him hear

Matthew 11:15

Matthew 5: 13-16

I randomly found this photo in my sister's old phone. It was taken last year haha.
You know what? Im glad that i can make a difference through my teeny weeny blog (: