YOUR PRESENCE IS THE TRUE NORTH

Today is the start of my internship with Thir.st, an upcoming Christian website/e-mag. I thought this would be a good time to post about my testimony of how God is faithful even in times when I was faithless. Some of you may have heard this story from me but God has proven Himself yet again and therefore, there is a continuation to the story. I hope this testimony blesses and encourages you, wherever you are.

Part 1: The Call

When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses, Moses!" The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey." But Moses said to God, 

"Who am I, that I should go the Phraraoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

Few years back at a church conference, I responded to an altar call where I decided to use my blog to glorify God in the media sector. This led to many difficult decisions I had to make along the way. Decisions such as making this blog public, linking it to my social media accounts and even writing and imparting spiritual knowledge (rather than just mindless blabbering and personal sharing). The process was hard because it took out so much of me. Not just my time or my effort but me. Myself. I did not like the idea of people having access to parts of me - especially when I do not even know who the potential readers might be. Nevertheless, one can fight against the Holy Spirit for so long. I eventually died to self and linked my blog's URL to all my social media platforms. I started to post more spiritual content and even embarked on this #spiritualappetizer segment subsequently in order to honour my promise to God.

Part 2: The Rebellion

All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?" And they said to each other, 

"We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt."

And yet, for the longest period of time, I did not know what in the world i was doing. This mission of mine felt small and insignificant. I mean the readership isn't big since I generally try to keep a low profile so why in the world did God convict me to use my blog for a greater purpose? At this point I want to say that it was not that this space completely did not have any impact. But I felt that my sacrifice was so big that the result could not justify it at all. I know this is not the kind of attitude we should have; I was too focused on myself, too focused on my "loss" that I refused to see any gains that it reaped. My offering to God became an exchange. I thought to myself, "God I gave up so much of me... but what am I doing all these for? Where are the fruits? Where is the reward?"

And so, I began to wonder if my sacrifice was worth it at all.

Following that, there were many times I was faithless. I contemplated shutting down this space. I procrastinated on topics that God revealed to me. I mean, yeah I could argue that I was faithful because I did continue trudging on in the end. But it was a faithfulness that lacked faith. And any gift that lacked faith does not please God.

Part 3: The Providence

For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.

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The Lord said to Moses,“I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God.'"

It felt like i was wandering around in the 'wilderness' for the past few years. Then some months ago, I caught up with HH. She randomly told me that the place she's working at was looking for writers. I decided to take up the challenge - partly because I had time and I thought why not use it wisely and partly because I wanted to be more disciplined in honouring God in the media sector. I felt that I would be more motivated (or like forced) to hone my skills and to write if I had a legitimate reason to.

I did not expect much - in fact I told HH I was willing to do this for free - because honestly I didn't have any related experience or qualifications. Even as I was preparing my "portfolio", I felt lost. I had nothing to show in the past few years that was related to writing except for my socio essays. I mean seriously!! HH then assured me that it was all very informal and that's when I decided to heck it and send in my #spiritualappetizers as my portfolio.

Long story short, I got the position as a contributor.

I initially did not think much about it but as the week passed, it started to sink into me that I got the position by the one thing I despised the most - my blog posts. Feelings began to bubble inside of me as I realised that God did not abandon me. For all the times I felt lost and aimless with what I was doing, God was there paving a way.

But that's not the end.

Part 4: The Promised Land

Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it.

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So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. 

The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; 

the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; 

every one was fulfilled.

As they are a non-profit organization, they do not have the budget to pay for freelancers. This was fine with me as getting paid was not my main intention anyway. Along the way, one of my colleagues asked if i was interested to attend this writing course which will set me back by $300. I had a hard time deciding because i felt that if i wanted to pursue honour God with my writing, I should be investing my time and resources to build my skills up right? But i was financially tight. I had recently started sponsoring a kid, something that I wanted to do for quite some time. My allowance dipped right after i made the decision. So for the past few months, I had been living in deficit. I did question God for awhile. Like, omg why is this happening right now? I mean, it wasnt a drastic change but i definitely had to be more conscious about my expenditure otherwise my savings will deplete over time. Going for a workshop seemed out of the question.

Amidst all these, the boss of the company randomly contacted me for an interview as he wanted to extend an internship to me during my holidays. I headed down to chat with him and he offered me a good pay and was flexible to accommodate the other commitments i have. As i laid on my bed that night thinking about this matter, i suddenly got reminded of a prophecy that was spoken over me 2 months back. The person prophecised a lot of things (ridiculous things may i add) over me and throughout the entire experience, my eyebrows were furrowed in confusion because i had no idea how the things he said will ever come to pass. But out of respect, i just kept all the prophecies in my heart, noting the more immediate prophecies that i could test out. One of which was that i would start a new season in my life in mid November/ December.

If i were to take on the internship, i would be starting on 14th November (since that's when my semester officially ends as i do not have exams) and that is right smack in the middle of the month of November. My stint would only last till December since i will be starting a new semester in January. During my interview, i discovered that one of the main motivating factors of the company matches the area i had a soft spot for. And if i really took up the offer, i would be able to pay for the workshop and still have leftover which will cover for the past months that i had been dipping into my savings. The eerie thing was that if my previous job assignments hadn't been taken away from me, i would not be able to accept this internship due to conflict of schedule.

Everything simply... fell nicely into place.

Part 5: The Conclusion

In Exodus 33, God had enough of the Israelites' contempt and unfaithfulness. He told Moses that He would deliver them from their enemies and keep His promise of a land flowing with milk and honey but He will not be with them. In other words, they can have His promises, but not His presence. And Moses cried out, "If Your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here." Moses understood that God's promises without His presence are not worth having. He refused to take a step into the Promised Land if God wasn't with them.

Some of you may find yourself in a similar situation as i was right now. Perhaps you're looking for something from God in exchange for your offering. Or perhaps you feel like God had promised you something only to let you down. Perhaps you're praying to God for a sign of reassurance but to no avail. But if there's one thing that i've learnt throughout this entire process is that God never fails. Even in the darkest of nights where i could not see the path ahead; when i felt alone battling with doubts and anxieties; when i lost focus on the reason why i even do the things i do, He has always been by my side, leading me. We just need to continue to be faithful.

Honestly, I am not sure if the internship is the end the journey itself. Maybe there will be more, maybe this is it. Either way, I have learnt to not seek after what God can give but to trust and be contented in Him for He is a faithful Father who has never once abandoned us. To those whom He has entrusted, He has a plan. He is our compass. He is our guide.

Yes indeed, Your presence is the only assurance we need.