HE TURNS OUR MESS INTO MESSAGE

I don't have a good shot of me speaking so this will have to do haha

I was never exactly an insecure person. But I somehow have this nagging feeling of inadequacy ever since I started working. I don’t know where it came from, to be honest. Maybe because the people around me are really talented. Maybe because I feel like I’m not doing enough creative work. Maybe because I don’t feel safe.

And as insecurities gnawed at me, old fears slowly started to surface. What about my career prospects? Should I start planning a backup plan? Should I go somewhere where I have more opportunities to grow?

I dreaded going to work. Sometimes I feel like I’m going for war. I’m beaten and battered and I don’t find joy. It’s easy to say “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked” when God’s house is a palace filled with happiness. But what if it’s a decrepit shack with a leaky roof and broken pipes? Can I still say the same thing with joy and conviction?

The week before conference, I told my LG that my conference objective is for God to give me a direction. Should I leave? Is it time for me to go elsewhere? But what if the elsewhere doesn’t change my situation?

The world tells us to go out and 闯世界. But God’s Word is always different. He doesn’t call us to be successful; He calls us to be faithful. Will I be ok with playing the second fiddle for the rest of my life? Will I be ok if no one recognises me for the work I’ve done?

So the night before conference, I decided to ask for something different: To revive this dead heart of mine.

And who knew that a few weeks later, I would get the opportunity to preach because of my current position?

I don't deny that I feel somewhat validated for being invited to speak outside of my home church, but I thought about it and I realised it doesn't matter to me if this is my first and last time giving a talk. More than the affirmation this opportunity has brought, I understand that this was a sign of confirmation.

I know it isn't a coincidence that this opportunity came after my struggle to stay on. And I know it isn't a coincidence that this opportunity came because of the articles I've written thus far. At the end of the day, me going on stage isn't really about me at all. It's about His faithfulness. And what can I say? Isn't this far more important than any recognition anyone can get?

In a sense, the fruits of this aspect of my life are starting to show after a long and painful wait. But like the last stanza of Seasons by Hillsong, I know still that there's a season to come. And it's ok because I've got a faithful God with me.

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

IF YOU'RE NOT DONE WORKING, THEN I'M NOT DONE WAITING

"The thing with Sequoia trees is that the seed needs the harshness of winter to flourish into everything it becomes."

Here's the thing about work: It sucks.

It will suck wherever you are. It sucks even when you work in full-time ministry. And this is why it sucks: Because no matter where you go, it is filled with broken people – both others and yourself.

Sometimes I go to work with a defeated spirit because there are days when reporting for work is like a soldier reporting for duty during a war. There are just so many battles to fight and firefight. Then there are days where I'm just consumed with self-doubts, and old fears and insecurities start showing up. I've written so many articles, what more could I possibly write? Am I going to remain as a writer my whole life? Shouldn't I think about my career prospects?

What am I doing here, God?

I think I'm in a season of being refined, but the wait in the heat is so long that I start to lose sight on why I'm here, and I think to myself maybe it's time to leave.

I know God has been dropping me reminders that I still have a purpose at where I am, but all I can feel is the burn and not the balm. I attended conference asking God for direction when He has already given me signposts. Still I didn't recognise them. And when Monday rolled around and everyone was revived and revving to go work, I was completely dead.

And there I was desperately crying out to God while others were wafting aroma of pleasing thanksgiving to Him. There was nothing I could do except to surrender my pain to Him over and over again. I prayed as I ate my breakfast, prayed as I walked out of the house, prayed as I boarded the bus.

And then suddenly, on the bus ride to work, a lightness broke within me. It was like I was filled with joy and I could positively emit positivity to anyone and everyone. It was a gaiety that came from God, and I was overflowing with it! I didn't have to wait for people to be nice to me – I could be nice to others even when they don't reciprocate! There was just so much joy and love in me.

This lasted for a day and a half before my mood dipped again. And I realised that joy is a daily surrender – a deliberate choice to always surrender our emotions to God.

"God is God right? So He can do whatever He wants at any moment, at any time. He could fulfil His promises just like that. But so often, He takes His time."

This week we celebrate Thir.st's second birthday together. I have been writing stories for over a year and a half now, and many times I felt like a beggar with nothing left to give save the few crumbs. And yet, God has somehow provide me the materials I needed to produce one more article one day at the time. Somehow, God has provided me the love that I needed to show to the people around me even when I had none left.

The drought is real and long. But before He sends the rain – before the season changes – I believe that God will still provide.

1 Kings 17:7-16.

WHEN I LET GO THEN I FIND LIFE

I cannot believe that my last post was dated 2 months ago. Seriously, where did all the time go? It's scary how busy life can get. You know how, to maximise time, some people will do their work-unrelated stuff while commuting? Like catch up on texts or settle ministry stuff or do daily reflections etc? I used to be like that. But recently, I've come to a point where I'm so drained that I don't want to use my brain cells at all during my precious break time. So everything else just piled up and soon, I have a long to-do list. Which is very uncharacteristic of me because I'm the kind of person who will find the most efficient way to do things.

I had a day off to myself yesterday to just be a recluse and I came to a conclusion that I need to take leave every now and then to keep myself sane. It really feels good to simply disconnect from the world for 24 hours and simply hole up at home. And now I have the energy to reply messages and work on my backlog haha. I think instead of saving my leaves for travelling, I'm going to schedule leaves for personal time-off and then arrange a holiday with whatever's left.

To all who have yet entered the working force, let me tell you that work can suck so much energy from you so always remember to recharge yourself by plugging back to God. Like really spend quality time with Him. You'll need it.

And the highlight for the past few months definitely has to be meeting Hillsong Young and Free! I mean, I don't advocate idolising worship bands but you really have to give it to Hillsong for consistently topping themselves, breaking new grounds and pushing Christianity to the limelight for the world to see.

CHASING SUNSETS

Been blessed with glorious skylines while travelling back home this week 😌

Annnnnnd, I have officially started work for a month! There were a few ups and downs but im gonna proclaim that the devil shall not steal away my joy from my work :) Been praying for a change in perspective and a heart of gratitude these few days and I have even started a bullet journal lol. Wanted to keep track of the things learnt and the thanksgiving received throughout the month because it's so easy to lose sight of our blessings amidst our busyness.  Let's hope I can keep up with this and see where my artistic talents, if any, take me. Wheeee ✈️

COLD FEET, WARM HEART

6.14 am.

That was the time that flashed on my screen when i first awaken on the last day of my grad trip. I climbed out of the bed and paced around the house. The villa was quiet. Everyone else was still sleeping.

I reached the garden patio before i knew it. The garden was the only place i had yet to explore since arriving and according to photos from a friend whom had instagrammed the entire villa, it was huge and beautiful. I stood at the edge for a few moments, contemplating if i should get my feet dirty. Ah, heck it. It's my last day anyway, i thought to myself and took the first step.

My feet pressed against the soft, wet ground. The morning dew was cold and it stripped the warmth from my feet but the view ahead of me compensated for the chill. Florals of all sorts and colours littered the garden. At one corner, there was a burst of red and on another, a crown of greens. I walked around and marvelled at the work of the gardener. At one point of time, i decided to stop and peer carefully at a flower. But what really caught my attention was not the sight in front of me; It was what was happening underneath me that stole my focus. As i was standing still, the ground beneath my feet became warm. I was cursing my luck at first to be standing so specifically at a spot that some animal had peed on when i found myself experiencing the same thing on another patch where i stood to examine another bunch of flowers once again. I somehow found the experience interesting and in that very moment, i knew God was speaking to me.

There are always risks involved when it comes to changes - especially if the change is to somewhere new or unknown to you. And even after you make the decision to take that leap of faith, you can still get cold feet while treading on the path. But stand there long enough and it will warm up to you; walk around that enough and you may even eventually enjoy it. No longer will your feet be cold because they will be comforted by the slow heat emitting from the soil. Your feet will be dirty but your eyes will be rewarded with the scenery of your life.

I was pondering all these to myself when the rays of the sun suddenly cascaded upon the entire garden. Sunrise. I lifted my head from my feet and looked. Beyond the garden was a mountain enshrouded within the moving clouds. It was a view to behold. Out there lies a greater garden tended by the greatest Gardener.

What a finale for my grad trip. Thank you God for the reminder, i whispered, as i close the uni season and begin to start the next chapter of my life.

I SAID YES (BACKSTORY).

Not every open door is from God.
But the door that God opens cannot be closed. 

It all started with this song.

I was praying about my career decision when God dropped the song in my mind. Listen to it, he said. I listened. Somewhere along letting the lyrics sink in I had decided that i wanted to live for a purpose bigger than myself, to live for Christ.

I had been deliberating much on the meaning of life during that period of time and i couldn't help but to conclude that everything is meaningless because the world will one day fade away. There is only one that thing has an impact through eternity: the lives that we help save and/or the lives that we help change. Nothing else has lasting significance.

Even so, going into full time ministry is not easy. I'll have to let go of the glitz and glam that the world offers. I won't have status. I won't have standing. I won't have anything to brag when relatives ask me what am i doing for a living. I won't be part of my friends who will achieve success in the world and live their jet-setter lifestyle. Can i really live such a life? Do i really want to?

The only thing I want in life
is to be known for loving Christ
To build His church, to love His bride
And make His name known far and wide

He is all my soul will prize
Regardless of the joy or trial
When agonizing questions rise
In Jesus all my hope abides 

It is not fame that I desire
Nor stature in my brother's eye
I pray it's said about my life
That I lived more to build Your name than mine

For this cause I live
For this cause I'd die
I surrender all
For the cause of Christ
All I once held dear
I will leave behind
For my joy is this
Oh the cause of Christ

As my thoughts went array, the lyrics flooded my mind. The final stanza of the song totally did me in. My heart was ravished. And that day, in that small corner of the church, i decided that i wanted to work at Thirst. Yes God, this is the most meaningful job i can have for now. I will do it. In tears, i ended the prayer.

I was so sure. But for the next few months, it was a battlefield.

I tried to hint to my colleagues my interest in working at Thir.st. Coincidentally, it was during this period of time when a few of them were praying for God to send someone with specific qualities to help them with the workload. And because of a team building event, they realised i was a perfect fit. As one of them exclaimed, "OH MY GOSH. We have been praying for God to send an AE and she's been under our noses all these time! God answered our prayers even before we prayed them!"

Then, I got offered a position.

This was when I started getting cold feet.

A few friends did come up to ask if I would be continuing at Thir.st after graduation. At times, inspired by people's encouragement and the emotional high, my heart soars towards a flipping 'yes'. I go into lengthy description of how God had divinely orchestrated the journey for me and people respond with applause and approval. They affirm me for living my life for Christ. A pat on the shoulder, an encouraging smile, a reassuring nod. But then, there are times i feel like screaming to them, it's not as easy as you think it is! Why don't you try being in my shoes? Why don't you try dying to self for God? Because what they don't know is what comes after the the cheering crowd disperses, when the spotlight is shut off and the audience is gone and I'm left alone on an abandoned, dark, eerily silent stage. Is this what I want? Will I regret this decision? What if, what if, what if...? Doubts creep in and I slowly sink into a sea of 'no's.

I wanna pursue Christ, I wanna place him first, I wanna give him all that I have. It sounds beautiful and noble. But it's a lofty idea and in reality, so difficult. And my biggest problem is this: I am too convicted to say no, yet too afraid to say yes. 

That is the worse place to be. And in between this chasm I oscillate back and forth, back and forth...

I know exactly what my 'yes' means. It's a yes to the killing of my personal desires. It's a yes to choose Jesus again and again in this area of my life. It's a yes to not use the talents that God has given me to pursue my own dreams but to use what he has given to pursue his. And I feel like I'm so young. Too young. Too young to be giving up my life for Christ. Too young to be giving up my inclinations. Too young to be giving up my ambitions. My calling seems less and less in the marketplace as the days pass and what frightens me the most is that my decision today is really more of an indicator of my response in the future. Why can't I pursue my own goals and serve God at the serve time? Why can't i be successful in the world's eyes and still be faithful in God's? Why must they be mutually exclusive in my case?

Why me, God, why me?

And slowly, I wasn't just swinging. I plunged into the deep end of despising my own destiny.

Down,

























down,

















































down, i fell.

I was Esau before i knew it. I suddenly knew how it feels like to despise one's own calling. But because i know how the story ended, i am also aware of how scary the consequences can be. Esau could have been part of Jesus' direct lineage but because he forfeited his birthright, he also forfeited the glory that God had planned for him.

I knew what saying yes to God meant. But in that pit, God showed me what saying 'no' to Him entailed. As a friend puts it, "We always count the cost of saying yes to God. But have we ever counted the cost of saying no to Him?"

Have we ever counted the cost of saying no to Him?

Then, earlier this month, Thir.st pushed forth stories of individuals (1, 2) who gave up their careers to pursue full time ministry. Internally, we called the series "Fools for Christ" because it was planned to come out during April's Fools and it is silly and crazy in the eyes of the world to reject high paying jobs to do charity work for a living instead.

One story really hit home for me. I completely understand the emotional struggles that the author went through during his decision making process. I resonated with the issue of comparison, the issue of defining success, the issue of cost benefit analysis, the issue of wanting to pursue one's own ambitions not aligned to God's will but above all, i identified with this sentence of his: "Deep inside, I knew that I could not serve God part-time."

He ended up responding to God's call. Part of his job scope included clearing pig's dung for the villagers in the morning. An uni grad just like you and me. Can you even imagine?

When i read the article, i asked myself, how did he do it?

You may also be thinking, how did i eventually do it?

I dont know, i dont know. All i know is that I couldn't refuse God.

I tried. I really, really tried. I attended career fairs. I signed up for companies' workshops. I even tailored my cover letter and resume, ready to send it out. But i just couldn't do it. I couldn't will my heart to be engaged while talking to potential bosses. I couldn't will myself to attend the workshops even though I had walked all the way to the venue. I couldn't will my fingers to hit the send button. Just that one step, i told myself every single time, just one step. But i couldn't. So i turned away. Every. Single. Time.

The night i made my decision, i was lying on my bed with a mind filled with trepidation. Then God brought to me a verse.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked (Psalm 84:10)

In other words, I would rather serve as a lowly servant in the middle of God's will than to be a high flyer outside of it.

I'm not demeaning Christians who work in the marketplace. The point is not the physical location. The point is God's personal call for your life. And I know it can be difficult. There were times i questioned if going into Thir.st would be a good decision for myself. What if i could be happier elsewhere? What if i regret my decision? But the God who created me knows me best. He was the one who gave me my personality. He was the one who furnished me with my gifting. He was the one who moulded my character. He knows what sort of work fits and satisfies me the best. Why? Because He knows me through and through. We each have a specific destiny not because God wants to derail us from what we enjoy but because He knows best.

He knows best.

As that realisation sunk in, I slowly let go of all the excuses - no, they were security plans - I had been making and clinging to. A rush of relief washed over me because I now know what it means when God says He is the one who clothes the flowers, the one who feeds the birds.

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap; they have no storehouse or barn, yet God feeds them... Consider how the lilies of the field grow: They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was adorned like one of these (Luke 12:24, 27)

Another colleague of mine wrote a fantastic account of how God roped her into Thir.st as well. It's a beautiful, beautiful story - one that never fails to draw tears from my eyes because God is simply too amazing. Check it out here.

I've also compiled a short list of songs that encouraged me during the decision making process. Wherever you have been called to, I hope this softens your heart. Because if your heart is truly soft towards God, you can never say no. You may deliberate. You may delay your response. But you can never say no.

I SAID YES.

x

Starting June, I will be working at thir.st as a full time staff. A full time minister.

I can't believe this is actually happening.

Those who have been part of this journey of mine would know that this decision hasn't been easy for me. And to be honest, I didn't even fully let on the extent of the tug o war in my heart. It was such a battle. The entire decision making process started and ended with tears.

I want to document my emotional trajectory on this blog - I have been doing so in my phone - of how this decision came to be because I know that there will be times in the future when I start to waver and lose sight of why I said yes in the first place. I want to be able to look back and remind myself the reasons that propelled me once and will propel me once again when needed.

I also hope this will encourage you to live up to God's calling for yourself, especially into the field of full time ministry. The struggle is real when the place (you think) you want to be is not the place God wants you to be. Even if you are sure of God's calling in your life, there will be times when doubts plague your mind. Been there, done that.

Meanwhile, be faithful wherever you are. You never know where that might lead you :)

A #thirst tag can be found at the bottom of all related posts for easy tracking.

HYMNS

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise. 

Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee. 

Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee. 

Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose. 

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne. 

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee. 

// 

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light. 

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one. 

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power. 

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art. 

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

We wanted to sing carol songs in light of the Christmas season in office on Friday but it somehow turned into a hymn sing along. Not complaining though because I got to sing my favourite hymn - Take My Life And Let It Be.

I first heard of this song last semester when J asked me to attend her choir lunchtime concert. The lyrics moved me so deeply that i began to tear. Both the imagery and the accompanying melody are so beautiful like, yes Lord, take it all. My hands, my feet, my mind, my lips. Everything I have is yours. Let everything i do be consecrated unto You.

We transited to the second song titled Be Thou My Vision. It was such a coincidence because i only discovered this song a few days back while doing a reading plan. The reading plan talks about having God's vision in everything we do and because of the song flow, the environment i was in and how the past week has been, the grander scheme of things just hit me. Worship that day found me humbled, convicted, ministered and reignited.

I suppose it was God's way of prepping me. Moments after the worship, things got ugly. Really, really ugly. You'd think i would have lost all faith based on track record. Yet somehow, there was this deep sense of reassurance within me that everything will be fine. This is God's work. If God is spearheading it, then nothing can stop it from coming to pass. I just have to look beyond the current situation and work hard at weeding out the entanglements.

Have faith and be humble. Help me to keep exercising these, Lord!

Also, check out Rend Collective's folk rendition of Be Thou My Vision here.

YOUR PRESENCE IS THE TRUE NORTH

Today is the start of my internship with Thir.st, an upcoming Christian website/e-mag. I thought this would be a good time to post about my testimony of how God is faithful even in times when I was faithless. Some of you may have heard this story from me but God has proven Himself yet again and therefore, there is a continuation to the story. I hope this testimony blesses and encourages you, wherever you are.

Part 1: The Call

When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses, Moses!" The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey." But Moses said to God, 

"Who am I, that I should go the Phraraoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

Few years back at a church conference, I responded to an altar call where I decided to use my blog to glorify God in the media sector. This led to many difficult decisions I had to make along the way. Decisions such as making this blog public, linking it to my social media accounts and even writing and imparting spiritual knowledge (rather than just mindless blabbering and personal sharing). The process was hard because it took out so much of me. Not just my time or my effort but me. Myself. I did not like the idea of people having access to parts of me - especially when I do not even know who the potential readers might be. Nevertheless, one can fight against the Holy Spirit for so long. I eventually died to self and linked my blog's URL to all my social media platforms. I started to post more spiritual content and even embarked on this #spiritualappetizer segment subsequently in order to honour my promise to God.

Part 2: The Rebellion

All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?" And they said to each other, 

"We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt."

And yet, for the longest period of time, I did not know what in the world i was doing. This mission of mine felt small and insignificant. I mean the readership isn't big since I generally try to keep a low profile so why in the world did God convict me to use my blog for a greater purpose? At this point I want to say that it was not that this space completely did not have any impact. But I felt that my sacrifice was so big that the result could not justify it at all. I know this is not the kind of attitude we should have; I was too focused on myself, too focused on my "loss" that I refused to see any gains that it reaped. My offering to God became an exchange. I thought to myself, "God I gave up so much of me... but what am I doing all these for? Where are the fruits? Where is the reward?"

And so, I began to wonder if my sacrifice was worth it at all.

Following that, there were many times I was faithless. I contemplated shutting down this space. I procrastinated on topics that God revealed to me. I mean, yeah I could argue that I was faithful because I did continue trudging on in the end. But it was a faithfulness that lacked faith. And any gift that lacked faith does not please God.

Part 3: The Providence

For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.

-
The Lord said to Moses,“I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God.'"

It felt like i was wandering around in the 'wilderness' for the past few years. Then some months ago, I caught up with HH. She randomly told me that the place she's working at was looking for writers. I decided to take up the challenge - partly because I had time and I thought why not use it wisely and partly because I wanted to be more disciplined in honouring God in the media sector. I felt that I would be more motivated (or like forced) to hone my skills and to write if I had a legitimate reason to.

I did not expect much - in fact I told HH I was willing to do this for free - because honestly I didn't have any related experience or qualifications. Even as I was preparing my "portfolio", I felt lost. I had nothing to show in the past few years that was related to writing except for my socio essays. I mean seriously!! HH then assured me that it was all very informal and that's when I decided to heck it and send in my #spiritualappetizers as my portfolio.

Long story short, I got the position as a contributor.

I initially did not think much about it but as the week passed, it started to sink into me that I got the position by the one thing I despised the most - my blog posts. Feelings began to bubble inside of me as I realised that God did not abandon me. For all the times I felt lost and aimless with what I was doing, God was there paving a way.

But that's not the end.

Part 4: The Promised Land

Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your fathers, and you will take possession of it.

-

So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. 

The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; 

the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; 

every one was fulfilled.

As they are a non-profit organization, they do not have the budget to pay for freelancers. This was fine with me as getting paid was not my main intention anyway. Along the way, one of my colleagues asked if i was interested to attend this writing course which will set me back by $300. I had a hard time deciding because i felt that if i wanted to pursue honour God with my writing, I should be investing my time and resources to build my skills up right? But i was financially tight. I had recently started sponsoring a kid, something that I wanted to do for quite some time. My allowance dipped right after i made the decision. So for the past few months, I had been living in deficit. I did question God for awhile. Like, omg why is this happening right now? I mean, it wasnt a drastic change but i definitely had to be more conscious about my expenditure otherwise my savings will deplete over time. Going for a workshop seemed out of the question.

Amidst all these, the boss of the company randomly contacted me for an interview as he wanted to extend an internship to me during my holidays. I headed down to chat with him and he offered me a good pay and was flexible to accommodate the other commitments i have. As i laid on my bed that night thinking about this matter, i suddenly got reminded of a prophecy that was spoken over me 2 months back. The person prophecised a lot of things (ridiculous things may i add) over me and throughout the entire experience, my eyebrows were furrowed in confusion because i had no idea how the things he said will ever come to pass. But out of respect, i just kept all the prophecies in my heart, noting the more immediate prophecies that i could test out. One of which was that i would start a new season in my life in mid November/ December.

If i were to take on the internship, i would be starting on 14th November (since that's when my semester officially ends as i do not have exams) and that is right smack in the middle of the month of November. My stint would only last till December since i will be starting a new semester in January. During my interview, i discovered that one of the main motivating factors of the company matches the area i had a soft spot for. And if i really took up the offer, i would be able to pay for the workshop and still have leftover which will cover for the past months that i had been dipping into my savings. The eerie thing was that if my previous job assignments hadn't been taken away from me, i would not be able to accept this internship due to conflict of schedule.

Everything simply... fell nicely into place.

Part 5: The Conclusion

In Exodus 33, God had enough of the Israelites' contempt and unfaithfulness. He told Moses that He would deliver them from their enemies and keep His promise of a land flowing with milk and honey but He will not be with them. In other words, they can have His promises, but not His presence. And Moses cried out, "If Your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here." Moses understood that God's promises without His presence are not worth having. He refused to take a step into the Promised Land if God wasn't with them.

Some of you may find yourself in a similar situation as i was right now. Perhaps you're looking for something from God in exchange for your offering. Or perhaps you feel like God had promised you something only to let you down. Perhaps you're praying to God for a sign of reassurance but to no avail. But if there's one thing that i've learnt throughout this entire process is that God never fails. Even in the darkest of nights where i could not see the path ahead; when i felt alone battling with doubts and anxieties; when i lost focus on the reason why i even do the things i do, He has always been by my side, leading me. We just need to continue to be faithful.

Honestly, I am not sure if the internship is the end the journey itself. Maybe there will be more, maybe this is it. Either way, I have learnt to not seek after what God can give but to trust and be contented in Him for He is a faithful Father who has never once abandoned us. To those whom He has entrusted, He has a plan. He is our compass. He is our guide.

Yes indeed, Your presence is the only assurance we need.

I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Just some photos from the past 2 weeks. Looking at the photos, i realised how much i spent on food. No wonder i've grown fatter ): Will exercise now that internship is over. And perhaps i will go back to tumblr? Work has totally cured my tumblr addiction man. I only found out that tumblr changed its interface 2 weeks ago, which i totally hate >:(

Still. Internship is over. NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN!!! I can finally sleep in peace without worrying that my alarm will disrupt my sleep 5 minutes later.

Ah joyful days, here i come :')

In the One who loves

I have been feeling quite weary these few weeks. I am making a mistake at every turn i take. I dread morning and weekend is what keeps me going. 8 days seem short but it feels like a million years to me. I dont even dare to expect much anymore. As long as i scrape by each day peacefully, silently - that's all i am asking for.

Someone told me "Just try your best," Well, it would be good if it was that easy. Just because you try your best, it doesn't mean you will get what you expect (yes Coldplay, you may play your hit song right now) So, i went to search for a new mantra - a new anything - that i can meditate on when i am stressed out.

And i realised i always can fall back on God. I can numb myself by watching Youtube videos and distract myself with snacks but nothing is effective as Him. Maybe to some people, i am a little too crazy to depend on someone who is not even visibly present; whose presence might just be a figment of my imagination. But i think at this stage, i will just grab anything that can soothe me (er, not referring to smoking/drugs/sex/or anything like that). And nothing assures me, comforts me and calms me more than He can.

This is my current favourite poem/song from the Bible. It was written by King David, who was a mere shepherd then, to express his love for God. Though i am no poet nor am i well versed in dissecting words to derive the deeper meaning within, i know it talks about the serenity that God brings. He quiet us with His love. A wordless adoration (For there are times where even words fail and lack). I dont want to know that He loves me at the back of my head. I want to see it clearly right smack in front of my face every waking second. I want His presence to be so tangible in my life. I in Him and Him in me.

A psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

    He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

    he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

    for his name’s sake.

 

Even though I walk

    through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

    for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

    they comfort me

You prepare a table before me

    in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

    my cup overflows.

 

Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Of course, the feeling of despair and weariness comes back soon enough. But at least at that very moment, i am relieved. And thereafter, i know i have a source to draw strength from.

At troubled times, who do you seek? Where do you draw your courage from? (:

Weekend Warrior

REALLY, REALLY OVERDUE! To those who actually read through this entire post... kudos to you. I cant even-

24th December, Monday

It was a half-day so i went shopping with my F21 voucher. I spotted this super pretty mint coloured sweater. They have a lot of clothings in mint actually. I thought the mint trend was over...?

Anyway, though there were many mint sweaters, this was the only one that caught my eye. And after i tried it, i realised it was from the PJ's section. Haha, who cares? I'm going to wear it out anyway (:

Tanya invited us to her house to have a Christmas celebration. Turkey, ham, potatoes, salmon and more! Yumzzzz if i could eat like this everyday...

What i requested and got for my Christmas exchange. Really excited to have received the book. It smells so gooooood, i couldnt stop sniffing it like a dog. And the edges of the book is simply beautiful. I cant explain how it is like but its just uneven and so cool. Am halfway through the book!

25th December, Tuesday

Xmas celebration over at ah ma's house. Played a card game called Munchkin and i won 2 (all) rounds!! Surprisingly, since it was my first time. HEHEHEHE. I think i am quite scheming when it comes to games that require you to sabotage people lol.

Ok cant remember when i took the following photos but it should be in the same week:

Simply Bread. Hmm, i think some of their sandwiches are worth it. Played Zhong Ji Mi Ma (ahhh, lazy to translate and i dont know the English name) and i had to drink sugar syrup mixed with pepper, salt and a spoonful of lemon tea lol.

My treasure cove at office. The amount of snacks grew ever since Christmas. I've cleared most of them already because i keep snacking in office hehe.

28th December, Friday

SP Fear Factor: 6 inch or footlong!
Planned this event for our last lifegroup in 2013. I had a lot of fun creating my group's sandwich! Photos all from Chin Boon.

 The most normal sandwiches. Consists of only ham, lettuce and bread.

 Chunks of celery and uncooked luncheon meat haha. Damn gross.

 Can't remember who's group this is.

 Err, errected carrot head with white stuff.

Me and Weihong's! I really think our bread tasted nice despite the fact we got a packet of peanut and a tub of butter for seasoning. (Peanut butter, get it?)

 Reynard's group. I think they have the best visual presentation.

Our judge, who has to taste all the weird bread hehehe. I almost became judge but after looking at the ingredients, i pushed the role to Baiyu hahaha.

29th December, Saturday

Who doesn't love good food?

 31st December, Monday

Seyong's family booked rooms at MBS and HardRock hotel and we checked into HardRock! Awesome staycation. Urgh, would love to do more if we had the moolah!!

Me and Reynard wearing our dress/shirt bought for us from Hanyang!

Haha, i know i kept complaining about the gems stitched onto the dress (walao makes it damn hard to sit) but the more i look at the dress, the more i am in love with it! Hanyang, your choice not bad ah ;) Thank you so so so so much!

I've been to different LGs and i think this is one of the most memorable group. Not only because of the people but because i became more involved in church and my heart and passion for God and His people grew so much. I began to appreciate what the leaders are doing, and i began to share their burden. It's tough but it is also a blessing (:

Really had so much fun on the last/first day of 2012/2013. I've stopped swimming since secondary school and i miss it so much now!

Decided to showcase Chin Boon's photography. I thought it was awesome how he managed to capture the fireworks beautifully (:

1st January, Tuesday

Spent the first day of 2013 enjoying good food, good company and a good time reading books and talking (:

Yay, unglam shot of me!

 And then you have Shaf, who totally looks like a model in the photo )':

Mere Christianity. See the edges of the book? That was what i was talking about - the beautifully jagged rims.

Thanks Anginn for the photos! You always know how to work it with the Instagram ;)

 2nd January - 6th January

Just going to let the photos do the talking because nothing much happened anyway!