In the One who loves

I have been feeling quite weary these few weeks. I am making a mistake at every turn i take. I dread morning and weekend is what keeps me going. 8 days seem short but it feels like a million years to me. I dont even dare to expect much anymore. As long as i scrape by each day peacefully, silently - that's all i am asking for.

Someone told me "Just try your best," Well, it would be good if it was that easy. Just because you try your best, it doesn't mean you will get what you expect (yes Coldplay, you may play your hit song right now) So, i went to search for a new mantra - a new anything - that i can meditate on when i am stressed out.

And i realised i always can fall back on God. I can numb myself by watching Youtube videos and distract myself with snacks but nothing is effective as Him. Maybe to some people, i am a little too crazy to depend on someone who is not even visibly present; whose presence might just be a figment of my imagination. But i think at this stage, i will just grab anything that can soothe me (er, not referring to smoking/drugs/sex/or anything like that). And nothing assures me, comforts me and calms me more than He can.

This is my current favourite poem/song from the Bible. It was written by King David, who was a mere shepherd then, to express his love for God. Though i am no poet nor am i well versed in dissecting words to derive the deeper meaning within, i know it talks about the serenity that God brings. He quiet us with His love. A wordless adoration (For there are times where even words fail and lack). I dont want to know that He loves me at the back of my head. I want to see it clearly right smack in front of my face every waking second. I want His presence to be so tangible in my life. I in Him and Him in me.

A psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

    He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

    he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

    for his name’s sake.

 

Even though I walk

    through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

    for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

    they comfort me

You prepare a table before me

    in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

    my cup overflows.

 

Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Of course, the feeling of despair and weariness comes back soon enough. But at least at that very moment, i am relieved. And thereafter, i know i have a source to draw strength from.

At troubled times, who do you seek? Where do you draw your courage from? (: