24

Not many were aware of the occasion as I had unlinked my birthday from facebook notification a few years back, but the past week saw me celebrating my 24th.

It's not that i want to test who my true friends are – I understand that there's just so many birthdays that we can't keep track of it all. I mean, I also don't remember my friends' birthdays hahaha. Instead of making celebrations obligatory, I just want to keep things free and easy, spending the special occasion with my loved ones without imposing it on anybody else.

Aligned with my desire to keep things low-key, my birthday celebrations weren't extravagant. My LG kickstarted it with a simple dinner, great conversation and a round of affirmation. It wasn't anything special but I appreciated the time spent together very, very, very much ☺️

YX and I wanted to visit a video gaming cafe on my birthday and we later on decided to invite some of our mutual friends to join us while withholding the information that it was my birthday though I think he eventually told them la cause they presented me with a card and a cake (thank you friends!). Had a great time laughing because of the games we played. I could totally use the clips I've recorded as blackmail materials in the future 😂

We left the group in the evening to join my family for dinner. The food was really good and the prices were reasonable! If you're living in the east and are looking for a decent zichar place, do give the place a try. Especially the double hor fun 👍🏼

Jin Hock Seafood 金福海鲜菜馆 | 844 Tampines Street 82, 520844

***

To be honest, birthdays are quite overrated. Why do we even celebrate birthdays? The reason(s) fluctuates person to person and even my answer changes with each passing year, from commemorating a milestone reached to recognising my significance on earth to letting others fuss over me as a way of loving them. But this year, I celebrate my birthday because I want to celebrate life.

I'm not sure about most people but I tend to think about death a lot. Not in a suicidal way – there is a difference between wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself – but more of a philosophical manner. Any rational person who would sit down and analyse the situation would come to the same conclusion that life is pretty meaningless.

And while I don't always feel depressed, death is a presence that doesn't leave. Most days I can easily continue my life while ignoring death but his presence loomed a little larger than usual a few weeks back.

I felt my life being sucked out of me. I was extremely unmotivated – more so than usual – and utterly demoralised. But even in my despondency, I remember the feeling of gratitude washing over me. I was reminded time and time again of how blessed I really am and how undeserving I am of what I have and I began giving thanks – for my family, for my friends, for my workplace. There is a difference between wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself.

I think that difference is gratitude.

And so while life sometimes gets a little harder, I recognise that He has gifted me with much. I know I’m surrounded by people who love me, and most importantly by Love Himself. That, I can give thanks for.

Another year has passed, another year sustained by God :)


Thank you to those who sent me well wishes and for celebrating my birthday. Appreciate it! And of course, the biggest thanks goes to YX who tried to coordinate the celebrations between our friends and my family haha. Planning isn't his strongest suit so he got a bit stressed out throughout the week even though my celebration was a simple affair lol. He also spent a lot of thought (and money!!!) into buying me the perfect gift. I love it, thank you very much 💕

PS, I straightened my hair!! Yay to having fuss free tresses every morning!

POST BATTLESHIP ISLAND REFLECTION

My friends and I caught Battleship Island yesterday. It is a movie based on real events that happened during Japanese occupation over the Koreans. While we initially wanted to watch the movie because of Soong Jong Ki, he was far from our minds when the movie ended. We were scarred by the brutality, atrocities and gore we had witnessed. It was horrifying. But what made it worse was knowing the story wasn't a fiction.

The violence depicted in that 2.5 hours was for some, a lifetime of torture.

My heart was still palpitating even as the credits rolled on screen; We walked out with wobbly legs - All we could think was the the intensity of the story and exactly how far-fetched it was really from reality.

It scared me knowing how far humans can fall. Many times during the movie, I caught myself thinking "How could they have done that?". People were so far gone that there was no ounce of compassion nor humanity left in them. They could roll people on iron-cladded beds, they could force themselves on women, they could subject children to the worse kinds of torture - and still think it was normal.

Violence isn't normal. War isn't normal.

You'd think that humans would have realised that by now yet what we think is history is happening right here, right now.

Charlottesville racial riot, Aug 2017

With the recent racial riots in America and religion afflicted tensions in ISIS-affected countries, wars are far from a cry of the past.

Violence is escalating at a rapid rate unbeknownst to us because we are so... detached. While we are complaining how the MRT system is always making us run late for our meetings, someone out there is running for their life. While we are picking if our meals are made up of gluten-free, organic ingredients, someone out there is scraping crumbs to fill their stomachs.

We have been fortunate enough to elude such violence. But just because we don't see it doesn't mean it isn't occurring.



It's such an irony. We feel so much after watching a war movie based on a past event but we turn a blind eye to the diabolical riots happening presently. Violence has become but an action-packed entertainment for us - a $10 cheap thrill - when in fact, those narratives are built on the foundation of the lives of hundreds and thousands of men.

And history is still in the making: there are many similar stories out there with which people are paying with their lives.

I guess we don't hear the cries of our fellow brothers and sisters until and unless it is a packaged entertainment.

A friend of mine who raises funds in his spare time to supply amenities to refugee camps. He documents his experience as well as the historical social events he witness through his photographs.

Yet at the same time, I wonder the extent of the impact of such chronicles. Watching these movies, clips and photos juts us out of our comfort zones - but only temporarily. Before long, we slip back to our peaceful lives. It cultures people - but only in their minds. I wonder how many of us actually take action to help upon knowing the tragedies of the world.

I feel selfish at times, knowing all these and proceeding to live my life at it is when there are people suffering out there. But what can I do?

What can we do?

Perhaps that's the reason why we overlook the sufferings of others.

Our apathy is but a cover up for our helplessness. We are just as lost and just as afraid.

BRAIN DEAD

I wonder if holidays can be divinely planned. I always seem to have a getaway planned every time things turn rough so that i can escape from reality and people for a few days. The past week has been overwhelming. So many new information, so many new crisis, so many new challenges. Yet, there always seem to be something for me to do, to coordinate, to occupy my mind and thus I have been ignoring my thoughts and emotions and it's still all inside of me now, suppressed and messy.

I am going to make sure that I find time to seek God and attend to myself in my upcoming family trip. I already have a list of items that i need to reflect, sort out and ask God to help me make sense of LOL. Praying that i will come back feeling refreshed and my burdens lifted up to God.

On a side note, thank God for Audrey Assad's voice 😍.

TGIF

It felt good when Thursday drew to an end because it means my week is officially over! This week has been a long and emotionally vexing week. I remember there was this particular day where i felt so stressed out that i kept praying for the bus to come so i could get home asap and fall into a deep sleep and not think about anything. I am so glad that the tough part is over and i can enjoy my weekend now :) Thank God for tiding me through and for friends who listened to my (partial) rantings haha.

Had an outreach session yesterday during LG. Street evangelism is something that i always dread, and when i had to do it, something i want to get it over and done with. But God reminded me what outreach was all about - ministering and meeting people at where they are. And when i finally understood this point, it went beyond giving people invitations and became an avenue where i can listen to their needs and pray for them. And yes, we managed (my team at least) to pray for almost everyone that we came across! It feels great to be able to bless someone :D

I had a great experience yesterday not because i managed to give out invites but because i felt that i was able to be who Jesus is to me to them.

I am going to share an article here that expounds on the core of evangelism. It encouraged me greatly and i hope it will do the same for you too.
https://bible.org/illustration/how-jesus-interacted-people

Also, i recently realised that our church has a spotify playlist for all the songs sang in the month!! I am listening to it right now and God is sending me happy vibes through the songs because it keeps playing praise songs!! I am not even kidding. It is on shuffle mode but upbeat songs keep flooding in. Hehe. Feeling blessed and loved ^^ Here are two oldies but goodies and definitely a great reminder of who God is to me through this week! :) Have a blessed week ahead everyone!

Song no. 1: You Are Good 

I want to scream it out
From every mountain top
Your goodness knows no bounds
Your goodness never stops
Your mercy follows me
Your kindness fills my life
Your love amazes me 

I sing because You are good
And I dance because You are good
And I shout because You are good
You are good to me to me 

Nothing and no one comes
Anywhere close to You
The earth and oceans deep
Only reflect this truth
And in my darkest night
You shine as bright as day 

Your love amazes me
With a cry of praise my heart will proclaim
You are good You are good
In the sun or rain my life celebrates
You are good You are good

Song no. 2: Promises 

Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me 

I surrendered my life to your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus my heart has been changed by you
I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth every day
Jesus my heart has been changed by you 

I couldn't walk away if I tried
'Cause your love is better than life 

Now the sun's shining bright
And it just wont set
'Cause your love is a light and it lights my step
My heart is amazed every day to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't forget about it

DOWN THE VALLEY

I am finding it hard to love my mother - emotionally and action-wise.

Perhaps it has always been so just that it was amplified this month. Sometimes i think if it would be better if i just didnt care and not react to anything anymore but you know, the absence of love is not hatred but apathy.

Also, I am finding myself as the chair of many things. It comes with so many obligations and roles to play that I can feel myself running thin once more just that this time round i engage in a half-assed attitude as a form of protection.

I do wish i could pack my bags and head to some deserted island to live alone but no, instead pray for me to be strengthened so that i can love others beyond my own capacity. And pray for me not only to start the race well but to endure and finish the race with the same zeal as in the beginning. Most importantly, pray a for a friend for me that is suitable for this leg of the race. You can't run a marathon without the support and encouragement of another's.

I dont want to be a quitter. I want to be one who perseveres in the refiner's fire.

Yet again

X

Have you struggled with the same sin over and over again? The feeling of oh, here i am once more. What now? Where do i go from here? Am i being hypocritical? Praising God one second and doing things He hate the other.

And after struggling with the same sin over and over again, do you feel conflicted? You feel ashamed and guilty but God says its ok just repent and come back to me. Then you sin again and you start to understand that the weight of your guilt is not just your present sins but also the possibility of your future sins. What's the point of feeling guilty if it only draws you away from God? And yet what's the point of going back to God only to sin in the same area again? Aren't you sick of this cycle? Where's the sincerity in repenting? How are you deserving of this grace?

Service last week reminded me of my journey with Christ. As i looked back, i realised that even if i have to bear the humiliation of being unworthy, i still want to be in God's love. I'd crawl my way back even if i have to. People may say i am thick-skinned or unabashed of my own sins but i'd rather be scorned at - by others and myself - than to not tie the laces of His shoes.

I am sorry.

❝ I wonder how they could yell Barabbas instead of Jesus.
I wonder how they sang Hosanna and days later, Crucify him.
I wonder how Pontius could wash his hands of it, as though a dirty conscience could be so easily cleaned.

But — I am Barabbas, sinner set free.
I yell Crucify him as I sing praises with ease.
I am Pontius, who turned a blind eye to glory.
And yet, so Christ still died for me.
Still he died, where I should be,
a perfect love on that tree. ❞

— J.S. (via jspark3000)

8 months back:

Pictures taken from Wong Shih Yaw's blog.

I saw these paintings at an exhibition while walking around ION last month. I thought they reflected our society really well.

A confession

[update as of 11/8/15: I am feeling much better now. I wanted to delete this post after regaining composure as i felt that it was an emotional piece. I have decided against it. Sure, I would have phrased my words differently if i were to write this post now but no matter how unstable i was, those were real feelings that i had. It would also be cruel to deny myself of my raw emotions and thoughts. And to be honest, i had already filtered myself while writing it so it is not true that i wrote it without thinking. Anyway, i have talked to my mentor and my emotions are in check now. I have also decided to stop trying to play the blame game (though whatever written was true from my perspective). Part of the reason why i was so strained was because i did not know how to communicate effectively my needs and also because i'd rather rely on myself than others. Still growing, still learning, still trying. All these are part of the process.]

I'll admit that the last post ended abruptly. I do mean every word i wrote but i simply couldnt go on writing at that point of time because i was not in the mood. I am still not in the mood either, though it's getting better. Truthfully, I know that the quality and regularity of my posts have deteriorated over the past few months and I know well the reason behind it.

To me, this blog is not a mere platform of updates in my life (Instagram can serve that function) but it is a reflection of my heartfelt thoughts and feelings. When I look back at my posts, I can see my growth, my strengths and my weaknesses. The moment I dedicated this blog as an offering to God, I've also made the decision that it will not consist of mindless blabbering only. But I haven't been able to face up to my emotions lately. I've been running away from them. Blogging requires me to articulate my thoughts. But I don't want to rummage through my brain. I don't even know where to start. As much as possible, I just want to ignore my feelings and move on with life. That's why I couldn't bring myself blog as frequently. And even when I do, I can't find the words to express myself and I'll just give up, filling this site with superficial updates, abrupt posts and old drafts.

(The above was written and saved a few days back when i was at the bottom of my emotional state. I actually wrote a lot more. However, I've decided to not publish that portion because it was extremely emotionally driven. The following is a more toned down version)

I am still emotionally tired. It's really so weary having to deal with people. It is never been my nature to care much for a person. A lot of the times i have to intentionally force myself to place others above me. Unfortunately, my efforts go by unnoticed a lot of the times too. I dont expect people to know exactly how i feel and what im going through but even their cooperation is hard to attain. And amidst all these, i still get critiques. Not that i dislike criticism but im in a situation where i am the only thread trying to hold the seams together. And im running thin. Times like these i just want to cry (or shout for the person to take on my job la, say until so easy) but instead i suppress my feelings, force myself to be the bigger person and add the feedback onto my never ending to-do list on hand.

It's not that im trying to shoulder all the burden alone. It's just that there arent people i can rely on. Given my position, it's already hard for me to show my weaknesses. I have to think carefully who and how much of my feelings i reveal in case it affects others negatively. The fact that i dont like to be vulnerable to people adds on to the difficulty level. Despite all these obstacles, I did try to share my worries and i did try to appeal for help (in a matter-of-factly manner). All i got was forgotten promises. Sigh, this is exactly why i dont like words. They are so easily made worthless by humans. Why do people say things that they dont mean anyway?

Sometimes i wish i could just give everything up and not care but responsibilities are still responsibilities. I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I mean 哭也哭過了, what else can i do but to move on with life?

And regarding this blog, I feel sorry - sorry towards God. My negligence in this area is a negligence in what He has entrusted me. Every topic/post i had promised to write was not a pledge made to man but to God. My drafts are staggering and there are a lot more in my mind that have yet been transferred into writing. It is going to be hard for me when all i want to do is not think and feel and shut everything out. So please pray for me that i will have the determination to pull myself together and stop escaping...

Indeed there are a lot of interesting ideas that God has dropped in my brain. Let not my emotions get the best out of me and impair me from doing what i love and what i have to do.

I am trapped in a boxing ring.

My nose is bloody. My vision is blurred. I can't even stand.

Yet here I am, getting punched repeatedly with no way out. I am so tired already. Let them beat me up  for all they want. I just want to slump in a corner, close my eyes and drift off. I find myself thinking, "when will this all end?"

I can almost taste the iron at the tip of my tongue now. God where is the victory that you promised me? I'm starting to lose my focus. I cry out, "where are you God?"

A pause.

And then I hear his reply. Repeated in various forms.

A wave of relief rushes over me. My breathing regains its steady tempo. I feel better already. God assured me of his presence and his presence is comforting for I'll know that he is still in control, even in a losing fight.

I had forgotten something, though. I had forgotten that my God is a God who understands what I'm going through because he has went through it himself - and worse. For when Jesus cried "Abba Father, why have you forsaken me?", there was no answer. I don't think I'll be able to get up if God ever turns his face away from me. I think I'll just give up and die there. There's no way I would be able to cope.

But God did reply.
His presence is still with me.
And so, I trudge on.

Ecclesiastes 3:11a

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

A tribute

The first message i read this morning was from a friend studying in Edinburgh. LKY has passed away, she said. The first thought that came to my mind was how LKY would not be able to celebrate SG50. My aunt and I mentioned this just yesterday. I continued my day as usual and by the time my morning lecture was over, news of his death flooded my FB and Instagram. And i think that was when it really hit me.

I am not usually a compassionate person. When i see news of natural disasters, of people being massacred, of virus outbreaks, I would probably feel shock, horrified, scared, unjust and even sad.

But not grief.

It seems silly, doesn't it? Feeling sorrow for someone whom you don't even know personally. I had only known LKY through textbooks and articles. And i am not someone who would concern herself over politics in Singapore - or anything that does not directly affects me, really. But this is a man truly worth honouring.

There are two things i admire about him. LKY was a great leader. I refuse to give him absolute credit because it would be wrong to say that he build Singapore alone. No. But he was a great leader. He envisioned a future for a country that most gave up on. He had the tenacity to lead people to push for what he was convicted of despite the circumstances. He was passionate for Singapore. He inspired people - and he still does even after his death.

LKY was also a great man. Amongst the many articles i have read about him since his death, one greatly touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. It is not a recent article, neither was it written after his death. It did not talk about his achievements but rather, his relationship with his wife. It was written by his daughter. I am a firm believer that how a man treats his wife is the most telling sign of his character. And he had no less a love and respect for his wife than that for himself.

Yes, some of his campaigns were borderline offensive (Graduate Mother's Scheme, hello??) and he did bulldoze anything that stood against him and his elitist mentality (forced closure of NTU back in 1980?). But ultimately he stood by what he thought was right for the sake of Singapore and i am more than fortunate to be a citizen of this nation today. I am not saying that the ends can justify the means. But there is a difference between critique and criticising. Let's not criticise unless we are able to do what he has done and more. Instead, let's keep him in good remembrance now that the man has passed on.

I may not have known LKY personally and he was not subjected to torture or murder unlike the many unfortunate souls out there. But he did, in his words, gave up his life for Singapore and i am the direct beneficiary of this sacrifice. And for that, it is with a heavy heart that i say,

Thank you, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. May you rest in peace.

Only against You have I sinned

In a world that teaches that you earn what you deserve, how does unmerited grace comes in? There are so many times i feel that im so unworthy, so undeserving, so dirty, so sinful of God's grace because of what i did, what i've done and what i will choose to do. I have no problem embracing His love but it is His grace that makes me shameful. Some might exploit God's grace by justifying "He will forgive me anyway" (which by effect is grace no more since grace is unmerited) but how could i stand in front of God unabashed of my sins? How could i bear to shamelessly cry "Abba Father forgive me!" if i had sinned again? How could i accept His forgiveness only to disappoint Him again? My tears are dripped with shame every time i stand in front of God with my sins before Him.

K came to me with this same problem a few months ago. How could he possibly draw himself close to God when he knows exactly how sinful he was? "It's the trick of the devil," i said but easier said than done.

This past few months someone taught me something precious. A gift, not an exchange. I have realised that gifts cannot be earned nor traded. Refusing does not means that the other party stops giving. You can keep on refusing but they can also continually choose to offer.

A gift, a gift, a gift.
Grace is a gift i can choose not to receive but a gift that God can choose to continually give.

W A N D E R L U S T ; Bangkok

I learnt that shopping can also be a form of cardio and weightlifting too.

New Year Resolution for 2015: Buy less clothes (I would like to say no more shopping but as according to experts, set realistic targets to hit).

>:(

I hate how some people creep into your life unknowingly and make a permanent home in your heart.

Eh hello?? Like what am i supposed to do now? Let them overstay their stay? Bulldoze them over leaving a hole in me?

When I need to get home, You're my guiding light

Our city isn't perfect

Our city is a blaze of neon flare

Does anybody care

Fractured lines in the pavement

Embers color the air

These streets we named

Will never be the same

This fire, this fire, this fire we let it

This fire, this fire, this fire we let it

This fire, this fire, this fire we let it all burn

I have a tendency to be hopeless towards the future. Not my future, but the future future. All i see is negativity and morality spiralling down. People are caving into sin; people are celebrating sin; people are becoming more and more individualistic; people are challenging authority; people are prideful; people who explicitly claim to know Jesus doesn't even know Him... There are so many things for us to stand up for and there are so many things against us and yet Christians are the minority in this world. There are so many spiritual wars going on and yet we are to be meek, getting slapped and trampled over and over again. Its not just about "me". When you have a deep relationship with Christ, you'll start to catch His heartbeat for people and sometimes it is really painful to see what He sees, to feel what He feels.

Here's a honest thought: There are times i wished i was dead. I am not suicidal. I just cant be bothered with the world anymore - i just want to be with Jesus. But i am still alive. And there is a reason why this world is still functioning even though it is so lost already.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

Sighpie.

There's one theory i've learnt in class called the Spectacle Society (refer to previous post's photo). It basically refers to how the world is increasingly taking what is real based on what is projected. Images can be easily manipulated but we still choose to be taken in by it. One example would be Instragram. We only see pretty photos and think that xxx has a perfect life. But we do not see the behind the scenes - how long he/she took to take a photo or even how much he/she has to work in order to afford a certain luxury. We dont think of all that because we dont see it. We only take reality as what is projected to us.

And i think that is so true. There is an idiom in Chinese that goes “好事不出门，坏事传千里”。It translates into good news never step out of the house while bad news travel thousand miles. An article about a demonstration/ virus outbreak / animal abuse (not even in Singapore) will garner more attention rather than say How To Honour Your Parents. I scroll through my Facebook feed and i find more negative news report than positive ones. People are also slamming Christianity. Everything floods and overwhelms me. It affects my outlook on reality. But as i am typing this, crusades are being held; thousands of people are dedicating their lives to Christ; people are standing up for their faith; people are being called out by God to be fisher of men. The only difference is that these news do not travel far and wide. I now understand the power of testimony. Truly, testimonies can save lives and give hope. 

The Bible promised us that we are indeed living in a fallen world and yes our fight is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities. But the Bible also said for us to have hope. For we trust in a living, resurrected God who has already beaten death and claimed victory forevermore.

So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O Death, where is your sting?
          O Hades, where is your victory?”
The sting of death is sin, and khe strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

I pray that even when i do not see it, i know that His hands are moving.

This is His kingdom, His power, His glory, forever amen.

A crusade with a caption: "People say if God exists then why is He blind to the sick and poor? I say where are they when God is healing and manifesting upon them?"

We are never so vulnerable as when we love

Once, i was sharing a testimony of breakthroughs in my family and HJ exclaimed, "I never knew you were facing these problems!"

Thrice.

It slapped me hard that day. I'm aware that i dont share personal details. In fact, i constantly avoid revealing too much about myself. But that day was different. It was different because i took a step back and realised i have no confidante. I have friends, yes. But i have no one whom i would like to willingly share my problems with.

It was a few weeks before my birthday. I remember people coming up to me asking if i need any help. I said no, i will handle everything. You just need to come and help me set up. And that's me. I have always been independent. I have always done things myself. I have always hated to ask people for help. Fast forward to a week later and i realised some of the most important people whom i thought would be attending, will not. I had planned something special for my birthday and i had counted on them to be there as my moral support. They did not know that. I did not tell them of my nervousness and that i needed them. Instead, i told them its ok and i cried myself to sleep that night. I cried not because i was upset at them not being able to attend. I cried because i realised i dont have anyone that i can fall back on. It was no one's fault but mine - i never allowed anyone to come close to me.

The next day, i woke up feeling fine. I thought to myself how silly i was. I knew i was going to carry on what i had set out to do - with or without people supporting me. I knew that even if man fails me, my trust and strength comes from God. But i also knew that there was something wrong with me. I was conscious of this all along but i never cared much for it. This time round, it is different. I know God wants to mould me in this area.

I have always found it difficult to love. Or more accurately, i find it difficult to love in a selfless way. When i was younger, i was pretty obnoxious. I wanted everything to go my way. I simply insisted that the world revolved around me. It was a miracle i had any friends left by the time i finished my primary education. And i am so grateful to those people who stayed by me despite me being a brat. I grew out of my (outwardly manifested) selfish ways. I remember my leader chose me to do a cardboard testimony for Easter service one year. I wrote that I changed from a selfish brat to a loving friend. And i thought that was quite an improvement. But the lesson did not stop there.

I started to learn that loving people meant being there for them. I used to hate it when my mom or grandma ask me questions because it would take away my precious time of doing my own stuff. I'd get mad and lose my temper at them. But there was one sermon about honouring parents and it talked about the act of Jesus washing his disciples' feet the moment he knew all power was under him. It touched me a lot because i learnt that a person is given power so that he can serve the underprivileged more. It sounds pretty lame coming from me but it was a sermon that impacted my life. And so, i began to hold my tongue whenever my mom asked me to give her the same tutorial a millionth time. I try to be patient. I try to be there for people when they needed me.

Soon after that, i was thrown into the toughest lesson i've ever had so far. I had to learn that loving people meant placing them above myself. I am a person who values my alone time and there was a period of time where it seems as though everyone was fighting for a piece of me. Every other day i had different groups of friends asking me out and i was running in circles without a break to catch my breath. I couldnt even recharge myself. Around the same time, i was struggling with the concept of "love". I consider myself a low-maintenance girl. I dont need people to contact me regularly to make me feel loved; i dont need people to buy me gifts; i dont need people to spend much time with me. Yet, i was in a position where the person i love felt unloved because i couldnt fulfil his/her expectations. "Friend" eventually reduced to a label with expectations to be met. I remember thinking to myself that if i ever have a boyfriend i would never, ever demand him to do all those things for me because that was how i felt - like a boyfriend trying so hard not to disappoint his girlfriend.

I was stretched and tired. What does it mean to love? Why is it so hard for me to love (not that i dont love but for the other person to recognise that i am loving them)? When did love become conditional? Why is this love choking me? But eventually, i learned. I was struggling the entire time because i was unable to place anyone above myself. I came first. My needs came first. I learnt that loving someone is placing others above myself. If a person feels loved by eating chocolate, i should bloody buy that piece of chocolate even if it means i have to forgo that lipstick i've been eyeing; if a person feels loved by spending time with them, i better give up my time for watching shows. Love is not conditional. Love is sacrificial. To some, it may be natural to always think of others first. But it was never the case for me. I went through nights filled with tears because i was under so much misery (simply because i didnt have enough time for myself) and i remember shouting vulgarities in my head and imagining myself smashing a guitar (because it is easier to smash a guitar than a piano). Everything that my friends demanded from me, were things that i would not ask from them. I could not understand why was there so many expectations and requests required of me. Though i've grown in that area, i sometimes still struggle in placing others' needs above myself.

And I thought that was it. I went through months of frustration, hopelessness and bitterness. What more could be installed for me? Big mistake. I have one final lesson left. I assume it is the final lesson because it is the deepest root in me that i am aware of. I have yet to finish this lesson and i'm dreading it. I've known of this problem for quite sometime, as mentioned earlier, but i have always just ignored it. My issue is this: i may behaved selfishly or may have acted in self-seeking ways but the epitome of my selfishness manifest in the sense that i have never, ever given anyone the ability to hurt me.

CS Lewis once said, "To love is to be vulnerable". And isn't that the essence of love? When you love someone, you give them your trust; you give them your heart. And when you give someone your heart, you are essentially giving them the power to hurt you. I have always been an independent person. To me, there is no use in dwelling in a problem. If i have a problem, i will resolve it. The no. 1 reason why girls complain that their boyfriends dont listen to them is because they dont want answers. They just want someone to hear them out. But i am not like that. If i decide to tell people about my problems, i tell it because i want advice; i want solutions. Hardly will i tell people i feel sad just because i feel sad. If i feel sad, i will process the feelings myself and i somehow will revert back to normal after a night rest. In that sense, i never needed anyone to help me with my emotional well-being.

And it is not just that i dont see a need to hand my heart over to people. Even when i recognise that i should, i dont. Sometimes i feel like i am cheating people's feelings. For some reason i know not, i have this natural ability to draw people to myself. Especially girls. Honestly, i am not someone who would go all the way out to make friends. Despite my 'outgoing personality' (actually i am only extrovert when the situation demands me to), i am someone who just likes to be alone. I dont even like messaging people - I even have to write notes in my phone to remind myself to message people so that they know i am (was) thinking of them. But because of this ability (???), i become quick friends with most people. And we have fun and we enjoy each other's company and sooner or later, they start opening up to me and baring their hearts out. But i could never offer the same to them. And we would be stuck in this heartbreaking, conflicting situation because i cannot meet their expectations. You see what i mean? Like a mermaid, i lure people in only for them to find out what they perceived as reality was only an illusion. And that's how i am a swindler. I know of this fact yet i refuse to do anything about it.

I love people, i love my friends. I do, i do. But it is a selfish love. They give me the keys to their hearts but my love peaks and ends at the moment when i am obliged to hand mine over. And that's it. The end. Zero, zilch, nada. Even as i recognise this, it is still hard for me to want to change. I look at couples and wonder how they even manage to love one another - to give their hearts to each other for safe keeping. Is it because they spend a lot of time together? Is it because they open up and talk about their deepest fears and secrets? That they talk about things they dont share with others? If that's the case, how do you even begin sharing details about yourself that you dont even want people to know? Like how???? REALLY. How do you even start??? Where do you even begin????

Once, i met a guy whom i thought 'for once, i met someone similar to me'. We were both thinkers. We were both swimming in our own thoughts. I opened up to him a side that i dont usually show people. But as it turns out, we were not as similar as i thought we were. He left the realm of thinking and went on to an... extremely physical reality. I had a shock when i saw that he was now pursuing (and enjoying) a life so contrasting to what we shared. And despite that betrayal - despite i had open up to him a secluded side of me and i felt like i had known a stranger -  i merely felt a tinge in my heart. Like someone who got scratched by a cat. It was not even a wound. Not something i would cry over. I was disappointed at worst. And i thought of all the girls who cried for months because someone broke their heart. I thought of how their injuries became a scar which they would have to bear for the rest of their lives. I thought of all these and i looked at my own heart - damage-free. As though encrypted in stainless steel. It does not help that i have some super recovery strength coupled with the worst memory one can have. Give me a day (night actually, because sleep works best for me) and i'll be over any accident.

People ask me all the time why i am not attached. I think to myself, i cant even handle friendships now, what more a relationship?

I say all these now because of 3 things that happened. 1. the preparations leading to my birthday 2. when my LG shared about carrying each other's mat (in reference to Mark 2), i realised i had been carrying mine all along and 3. when HJ exclaimed that she never knew about my family situation thrice. All of which happened within the span of a month. Though i have been conscious of my problem since long ago, those 3 are the inciting incidents. I know from them that God wants me to embark on my final lesson of love. I am still in the infancy stage because i have yet to feel any pain (unlike the previous lesson) and i honestly have no motivation to want to change. But i know this is a process and i am simply a work in progress.

It has been a truckload of words and quite possibly the longest i have ever written for a blog post. I wasn't kidding when i said the reason for my disappearance from this space was because i had thoughts to sort out in my head. And this is not the only topic floating in my head. Well, i hope i have vomited enough to make up for the lack of entries in September. I dreaded writing this because i knew how much effort it was going to be. It is 3am now and i have spent at least 2 hours writing this post and i have morning classes tomorrow. Thoughts are never easy to map, eh?

(this post may have grammatical errors which i will come back to edit. just wanted to post this up first anyway.)

Letting go

You say that you cannot relate to me as you did in the past any longer because the dynamics of our relationship has changed as we are in different life stations. With a sinking feeling, i realised it is true. I can no longer be your pillar of support, i can no longer fight side by side with you. As much as my heart wants to share your load you carry for the cross, the truth is that both of us have physically move on. Neither of us are in the position to be the first aid for each other now. All we can do is to watch each other from afar and look on as somebody else rushes in in replacement of us. Standing at the different points of our lives with different perspectives, i can only hope our views will somehow converge. And even if it doesnt, may you never see me as an opposition but as someone who wants to help by being your eyes in your blind spots.

You are someone i dearly love but the sad truth is that people drift away and relationships are never stagnant and that the past will forever be the past. Where you are, i am not. And i highly doubt you can find me at where you will be. I suppose its a temporal goodbye until we cross the finish line.

Then again...
By then, the dynamics of our friendship would change once and forevermore, wouldnt it?

Betrayal

And here i am, thinking i found someone whom i can show a side i cant show anyone else; thinking we were both mutually vulnerable towards each other; thinking we were... similar.

But i suppose those are just my own thoughts. Looking at you now, i wonder if i had truly known you.
And that is what breaks my heart above all.

我拿得起就放得下。

People

It's scary how much you can not know about a person...

Lover of my soul

Photo: bythewayimjordon / Lyrics: Give Me Jesus by All Sons & Daughters / Edited by: Me

Sometimes there are battles so hard to fight that i want to run away. I get weary, i get sad. It is never easy, it is always tough. But as hard as i try, i cant turn away from Jesus. His love compels me even through the darkest of times.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

In this life I've had many wants and distractions. There has been many brawls and struggles. But there is only One's arms i want to run into. There's only One who can fully satisfy my soul. People can conjure many fanciful ideas and arguments about God but dont you see those are just a waste of time? All i want is Jesus. I couldnt care less about senseless talks. But though my soul, like Lot's, is distressed by the lawlessness of the age and my heart longs for heaven where my Father is, i will pick up hope and carry on. For my work here on earth is not yet finished; for there is a war to win before returning home.

Still, my heart is set on Christ because there is nothing the world could offer that I would desire more than His presence. Everything is just a way to pass time till I see my Maker once more.

In the morning, when I rise 
When I am alone,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

I've learnt that there are times you will cry with God.

... And then there are times you will cry for Him.