A confession

[update as of 11/8/15: I am feeling much better now. I wanted to delete this post after regaining composure as i felt that it was an emotional piece. I have decided against it. Sure, I would have phrased my words differently if i were to write this post now but no matter how unstable i was, those were real feelings that i had. It would also be cruel to deny myself of my raw emotions and thoughts. And to be honest, i had already filtered myself while writing it so it is not true that i wrote it without thinking. Anyway, i have talked to my mentor and my emotions are in check now. I have also decided to stop trying to play the blame game (though whatever written was true from my perspective). Part of the reason why i was so strained was because i did not know how to communicate effectively my needs and also because i'd rather rely on myself than others. Still growing, still learning, still trying. All these are part of the process.]

I'll admit that the last post ended abruptly. I do mean every word i wrote but i simply couldnt go on writing at that point of time because i was not in the mood. I am still not in the mood either, though it's getting better. Truthfully, I know that the quality and regularity of my posts have deteriorated over the past few months and I know well the reason behind it.

To me, this blog is not a mere platform of updates in my life (Instagram can serve that function) but it is a reflection of my heartfelt thoughts and feelings. When I look back at my posts, I can see my growth, my strengths and my weaknesses. The moment I dedicated this blog as an offering to God, I've also made the decision that it will not consist of mindless blabbering only. But I haven't been able to face up to my emotions lately. I've been running away from them. Blogging requires me to articulate my thoughts. But I don't want to rummage through my brain. I don't even know where to start. As much as possible, I just want to ignore my feelings and move on with life. That's why I couldn't bring myself blog as frequently. And even when I do, I can't find the words to express myself and I'll just give up, filling this site with superficial updates, abrupt posts and old drafts.

(The above was written and saved a few days back when i was at the bottom of my emotional state. I actually wrote a lot more. However, I've decided to not publish that portion because it was extremely emotionally driven. The following is a more toned down version)

I am still emotionally tired. It's really so weary having to deal with people. It is never been my nature to care much for a person. A lot of the times i have to intentionally force myself to place others above me. Unfortunately, my efforts go by unnoticed a lot of the times too. I dont expect people to know exactly how i feel and what im going through but even their cooperation is hard to attain. And amidst all these, i still get critiques. Not that i dislike criticism but im in a situation where i am the only thread trying to hold the seams together. And im running thin. Times like these i just want to cry (or shout for the person to take on my job la, say until so easy) but instead i suppress my feelings, force myself to be the bigger person and add the feedback onto my never ending to-do list on hand.

It's not that im trying to shoulder all the burden alone. It's just that there arent people i can rely on. Given my position, it's already hard for me to show my weaknesses. I have to think carefully who and how much of my feelings i reveal in case it affects others negatively. The fact that i dont like to be vulnerable to people adds on to the difficulty level. Despite all these obstacles, I did try to share my worries and i did try to appeal for help (in a matter-of-factly manner). All i got was forgotten promises. Sigh, this is exactly why i dont like words. They are so easily made worthless by humans. Why do people say things that they dont mean anyway?

Sometimes i wish i could just give everything up and not care but responsibilities are still responsibilities. I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I mean 哭也哭過了, what else can i do but to move on with life?

And regarding this blog, I feel sorry - sorry towards God. My negligence in this area is a negligence in what He has entrusted me. Every topic/post i had promised to write was not a pledge made to man but to God. My drafts are staggering and there are a lot more in my mind that have yet been transferred into writing. It is going to be hard for me when all i want to do is not think and feel and shut everything out. So please pray for me that i will have the determination to pull myself together and stop escaping...

Indeed there are a lot of interesting ideas that God has dropped in my brain. Let not my emotions get the best out of me and impair me from doing what i love and what i have to do.