THE BOOK OF LOVE

Was talking to P yesterday, ranting off the life lessons that God has taught me thus far, when I suddenly realised that God is teaching me to love difficult people (or people who are different from me) in this season.

Like literally, God used my own words to slap me in the face. As our website is going through a revamp, we had to reformat all our old stories. While doing so, this paragraph that I wrote last year jumped out at me.

Ha, talk about eating your own words.

I'm also reading Trash of Societies by Jason Wong, a book gifted to me by a friend. The book is centered on a radical love personified through Jason who embraced people who are completely different from him (think status, culture, education etc).

Tying it together with what I've been going through recently, I'm pretty sure God wants to teach me another lesson on love.

I knew it. I just knew it when God finally turned the page on loving people that He was merely closing a chapter, and not the book.

The story is far from ending, Siqi.

ONE YEAR ON

"Let's give God our first fruits ok?"

With those words, we postponed our anniversary celebration in light of an outreach event which fell on the same date. Everything turned out well. I managed to witness a friend taking a step towards Christ, and still get to enjoy my time with YX. God never shortchanges :)

But not everything was as perfect as it seems. I posted snippets of our celebration and while it seemed like we had fun (ok we did la), there were tensions between us as well.

The night before, we got into a disagreement about my dress. I was angry that my dress came late despite me ordering it nearly 2 months ago and they promising me to send it by end July. And that was after many unresponsive emails I sent them. Which reminds me: I have still yet to receive my dress 😠.

Then, I got insulted by his remark while we were playing games on the day itself. So while we were having our dinner, we were also having a serious talk about what had happened. Doesn't look like what was portrayed on my instastory right?

Haha but to be fair, we still had a pleasant day together. In fact, YX wouldn't even consider our disagreements as fights. "Just differences, that's all," he said.

But it did get me thinking. What you see on social media are really the highlights of someone's life. There are less than picture perfect moments that you don't get to see. And it's the same with relationships – we tend to think love as a whirlwind of intoxicated emotions but really, it's mostly marked with mundane, or perhaps, even difficult moments.

But just because it's slow and bumpy doesn't mean it's unhappy.

For my anniversary gift, YX surprised me with a bottle filled with 100 notes of why he loves me. I teared when I saw the present because how could someone think of so many reasons to love another? Even after our fights, even with my flaws? (Ok, I teared because the stupid false lashes were poking my eyes too!!)

That day, I also asked him if he thought we are very different individuals. "How so?" he asked, and I began listing the disparities. For one, I'm a lot more organised than he is. And while he enjoys intellectual discourses, I prefer to listen and absorb the information. We discovered that more and more differences surfaced between us as our relationship progresses – To think we were initially attracted to each other because of our similarities!

But I have come to the conclusion that as we grow together as a couple, the question that we have for each other is less of "how compatible are we" and more of "how can we resolve our conflicts". YX and I have our own share of disagreements and differences but do we still love each other? Yes, I believe so. And it is precisely because we are able to accept each other's weaknesses that we are still going strong.

Thank you buba for all the times you've seen me at my worst and still love me through it all. A relationship's spring season lasts as long as both parties want it to be, you told me. So let's continue to pour lots and lots of love into this relationship and make this spring fever last forever. May we never take each other for granted! 💖

MEGACHURCHES

I recently wrote an article for Thir.st and while I didn't expect it to go viral, it certainly did.

It was only after reading the comments that I realised how serious and deep a debate the issue of megachurches and their extravagant is. I mean yeah, I know that the public has always been wary of how churches spend their funds, but I didn't really start the article with the intention to address the issue. It was more of a personal reflection than anything.

If you haven't read the article, or would like a refresher, click here.

Someone who disagreed with my view said she doesn't think "it’s enough to gain insights from a 1,000 words-ish article", which is very true! I had difficulties writing the piece because I felt there were so many different angles to approach the article.

That of course meant the argument isn't as wholistic as I would like it to be, and people on opposing camps would pick on the gaps. And so, I'm gonna present further supporting arguments here.

I'm not gonna publish this on Thir.st as I have no intentions of turning this matter into a debate; this is just for knowledge in case you meet people with same queries. So here goes.

Counter-argument #1: We don't need extravagance to glorify God. 

It's true. But everything we do has an impact on others – directly or indirectly.

In 1 Peter, Paul instructed Christians to live a holy life despite living in a pagan environment so that  through their actions, people may be intrigued and won over.

We are to watch our lives because people are watching ours. What we do or say helps others form a certain impression of us and our faith and that's why we should try our best to live and an exemplary life. This goes as well for the maintenance of the Church's image.

The other day, some of my friends were scrolling Churches' websites trying to find information about Christmas services. Some Churches' websites are so ill-maintained that it was hard to even find service details – I can't imagine how it would attract a pre-believer to attend Church.

Image maintenance is important. It is the first testimony that people receive which will determine if they would step into a Church. If spending a little more money to upkeep the website can attract people to Church, why not? We have to be excellent in all that we do because we serve an excellent God. Wouldn't you want to reflect that to everyone?


Counter-argument #2: Extravagance is a bad stewardship of resources.

Of course, excellence does not necessarily need to be extravagant. For megachurches, they are trying to appeal to the youth and hence they do what they do. For other Churches, if their area of focus is on elderly, I should hardly think spending money on the same things megachurches invest in is a wise decision. It really boils down to how effective will spending that sum in doing God's work. It really is a matter of stewardship, not the amount because as much as God allows extravagance, we cannot allow simply allow it to turn into a show. We need to uphold His values as well or we will end up fulfilling Amos 5:21-24.

“I can’t stand your religious meetings.
    I’m fed up with your conferences and conventions.
I want nothing to do with your religion projects,
    your pretentious slogans and goals.
I’m sick of your fund-raising schemes,
    your public relations and image making.
I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.
    When was the last time you sang to me?
Do you know what I want?
    I want justice—oceans of it.
I want fairness—rivers of it.
    That’s what I want. That’s all I want.

Which is why extravagance doesn't mean that megachurches are relinquished of their responsibility to minister to the poor. Social justice is an important aspect of the Christian life as well. The Bible exudes us to act justly and show mercy.

As I cited Hillsong as an example in my article, I shall also use them to demonstrate how they are giving back to the society.

Unbeknownst to many, Hillsong participates and supports many giving campaign. One includes a yearly ritual during Christmas where they pool money to bless orphanages and homeless people. They roll out and support many fund raising campaigns and I can tell that they take it seriously when they push for the campaigns not just once, but a few times during their conference where the last thing anyone wants to hear is a donation plea.

Recently, they've also visited an inmate in a prison because of a letter he wrote them, thanking them for their music which brought him to Christ.

So just because a church is extravagant doesn't necessarily mean they are blasphemous.

I know some people might still be uncomfortable with how the church spends the money. In that case, my advice is for the person to find another church where they invest the funds in a relatively agreeable manner.

As for me, while I come from a megachurch myself, I've seen the amount of effort they put into outreaching, and I believe that that is the core of their motivation. Hence, I trust my church exercised wisdom whenever we do something "extravagant".

At the end of the day, I'm not arguing that all Churches to be extravagant. In fact, I am thankful that not all Churches are megachurches, because they would cater to people who do not respond to such glitz and glam. Because the truth is people worship and experience God differently, and I'm glad that there are churches that meet the different area of needs!

I think this is the grandest display of the body of Christ. We all have different functions, but the same goal: glorifying God. I think it pleases God as long as we give our best with the right motivations.


Counter-argument #3: Extravagance attracts the wrong crowd.

Lastly, some people might argue that Churches being extravagant means they are attracting people who are only in for the thrills and fun aka the wrong crowd. I understand where they are coming from – they are cautious in making "false disciples" of Christ. But I think this is a matter of discipleship more than outreach.

When it comes to outreach, there is no "wrong crowd". Everyone deserves a chance to hear the gospel and Christians have the responsibility to bring it to them because otherwise they won't come!

This is why Jesus preached for us to go to their house, fellowship with them and meet their felt needs first because talking about salvation. We have got to make the Gospel accessible – even if it means doing it through a play, a dance or a song – so that they will at least open their hearts for the HS to touch them.

Paul says, "To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some."

Who knows, out of the 100 people who come for the wrong reasons, there may be one who's willing to seek God.

So yes, I hope that this extension of the article helps to clarify things a little more! May it also help us to be clear of what our stance is too, to the best of our conscience :)

24

Not many were aware of the occasion as I had unlinked my birthday from facebook notification a few years back, but the past week saw me celebrating my 24th.

It's not that i want to test who my true friends are – I understand that there's just so many birthdays that we can't keep track of it all. I mean, I also don't remember my friends' birthdays hahaha. Instead of making celebrations obligatory, I just want to keep things free and easy, spending the special occasion with my loved ones without imposing it on anybody else.

Aligned with my desire to keep things low-key, my birthday celebrations weren't extravagant. My LG kickstarted it with a simple dinner, great conversation and a round of affirmation. It wasn't anything special but I appreciated the time spent together very, very, very much ☺️

YX and I wanted to visit a video gaming cafe on my birthday and we later on decided to invite some of our mutual friends to join us while withholding the information that it was my birthday though I think he eventually told them la cause they presented me with a card and a cake (thank you friends!). Had a great time laughing because of the games we played. I could totally use the clips I've recorded as blackmail materials in the future 😂

We left the group in the evening to join my family for dinner. The food was really good and the prices were reasonable! If you're living in the east and are looking for a decent zichar place, do give the place a try. Especially the double hor fun 👍🏼

Jin Hock Seafood 金福海鲜菜馆 | 844 Tampines Street 82, 520844

***

To be honest, birthdays are quite overrated. Why do we even celebrate birthdays? The reason(s) fluctuates person to person and even my answer changes with each passing year, from commemorating a milestone reached to recognising my significance on earth to letting others fuss over me as a way of loving them. But this year, I celebrate my birthday because I want to celebrate life.

I'm not sure about most people but I tend to think about death a lot. Not in a suicidal way – there is a difference between wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself – but more of a philosophical manner. Any rational person who would sit down and analyse the situation would come to the same conclusion that life is pretty meaningless.

And while I don't always feel depressed, death is a presence that doesn't leave. Most days I can easily continue my life while ignoring death but his presence loomed a little larger than usual a few weeks back.

I felt my life being sucked out of me. I was extremely unmotivated – more so than usual – and utterly demoralised. But even in my despondency, I remember the feeling of gratitude washing over me. I was reminded time and time again of how blessed I really am and how undeserving I am of what I have and I began giving thanks – for my family, for my friends, for my workplace. There is a difference between wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself.

I think that difference is gratitude.

And so while life sometimes gets a little harder, I recognise that He has gifted me with much. I know I’m surrounded by people who love me, and most importantly by Love Himself. That, I can give thanks for.

Another year has passed, another year sustained by God :)


Thank you to those who sent me well wishes and for celebrating my birthday. Appreciate it! And of course, the biggest thanks goes to YX who tried to coordinate the celebrations between our friends and my family haha. Planning isn't his strongest suit so he got a bit stressed out throughout the week even though my celebration was a simple affair lol. He also spent a lot of thought (and money!!!) into buying me the perfect gift. I love it, thank you very much 💕

PS, I straightened my hair!! Yay to having fuss free tresses every morning!

POST BATTLESHIP ISLAND REFLECTION

My friends and I caught Battleship Island yesterday. It is a movie based on real events that happened during Japanese occupation over the Koreans. While we initially wanted to watch the movie because of Soong Jong Ki, he was far from our minds when the movie ended. We were scarred by the brutality, atrocities and gore we had witnessed. It was horrifying. But what made it worse was knowing the story wasn't a fiction.

The violence depicted in that 2.5 hours was for some, a lifetime of torture.

My heart was still palpitating even as the credits rolled on screen; We walked out with wobbly legs - All we could think was the the intensity of the story and exactly how far-fetched it was really from reality.

It scared me knowing how far humans can fall. Many times during the movie, I caught myself thinking "How could they have done that?". People were so far gone that there was no ounce of compassion nor humanity left in them. They could roll people on iron-cladded beds, they could force themselves on women, they could subject children to the worse kinds of torture - and still think it was normal.

Violence isn't normal. War isn't normal.

You'd think that humans would have realised that by now yet what we think is history is happening right here, right now.

Charlottesville racial riot, Aug 2017

With the recent racial riots in America and religion afflicted tensions in ISIS-affected countries, wars are far from a cry of the past.

Violence is escalating at a rapid rate unbeknownst to us because we are so... detached. While we are complaining how the MRT system is always making us run late for our meetings, someone out there is running for their life. While we are picking if our meals are made up of gluten-free, organic ingredients, someone out there is scraping crumbs to fill their stomachs.

We have been fortunate enough to elude such violence. But just because we don't see it doesn't mean it isn't occurring.



It's such an irony. We feel so much after watching a war movie based on a past event but we turn a blind eye to the diabolical riots happening presently. Violence has become but an action-packed entertainment for us - a $10 cheap thrill - when in fact, those narratives are built on the foundation of the lives of hundreds and thousands of men.

And history is still in the making: there are many similar stories out there with which people are paying with their lives.

I guess we don't hear the cries of our fellow brothers and sisters until and unless it is a packaged entertainment.

A friend of mine who raises funds in his spare time to supply amenities to refugee camps. He documents his experience as well as the historical social events he witness through his photographs.

Yet at the same time, I wonder the extent of the impact of such chronicles. Watching these movies, clips and photos juts us out of our comfort zones - but only temporarily. Before long, we slip back to our peaceful lives. It cultures people - but only in their minds. I wonder how many of us actually take action to help upon knowing the tragedies of the world.

I feel selfish at times, knowing all these and proceeding to live my life at it is when there are people suffering out there. But what can I do?

What can we do?

Perhaps that's the reason why we overlook the sufferings of others.

Our apathy is but a cover up for our helplessness. We are just as lost and just as afraid.

COLD FEET, WARM HEART

6.14 am.

That was the time that flashed on my screen when i first awaken on the last day of my grad trip. I climbed out of the bed and paced around the house. The villa was quiet. Everyone else was still sleeping.

I reached the garden patio before i knew it. The garden was the only place i had yet to explore since arriving and according to photos from a friend whom had instagrammed the entire villa, it was huge and beautiful. I stood at the edge for a few moments, contemplating if i should get my feet dirty. Ah, heck it. It's my last day anyway, i thought to myself and took the first step.

My feet pressed against the soft, wet ground. The morning dew was cold and it stripped the warmth from my feet but the view ahead of me compensated for the chill. Florals of all sorts and colours littered the garden. At one corner, there was a burst of red and on another, a crown of greens. I walked around and marvelled at the work of the gardener. At one point of time, i decided to stop and peer carefully at a flower. But what really caught my attention was not the sight in front of me; It was what was happening underneath me that stole my focus. As i was standing still, the ground beneath my feet became warm. I was cursing my luck at first to be standing so specifically at a spot that some animal had peed on when i found myself experiencing the same thing on another patch where i stood to examine another bunch of flowers once again. I somehow found the experience interesting and in that very moment, i knew God was speaking to me.

There are always risks involved when it comes to changes - especially if the change is to somewhere new or unknown to you. And even after you make the decision to take that leap of faith, you can still get cold feet while treading on the path. But stand there long enough and it will warm up to you; walk around that enough and you may even eventually enjoy it. No longer will your feet be cold because they will be comforted by the slow heat emitting from the soil. Your feet will be dirty but your eyes will be rewarded with the scenery of your life.

I was pondering all these to myself when the rays of the sun suddenly cascaded upon the entire garden. Sunrise. I lifted my head from my feet and looked. Beyond the garden was a mountain enshrouded within the moving clouds. It was a view to behold. Out there lies a greater garden tended by the greatest Gardener.

What a finale for my grad trip. Thank you God for the reminder, i whispered, as i close the uni season and begin to start the next chapter of my life.

TO LOVE WITH OUR ACTIONS

I secretly like to watch people worship during worship.

It started a few years ago at a church conference. Back then, I was all about singing from the top of my lungs and throwing myself into a passionate frenzy for God. While in the midst of bellowing the lyrics, I heard God said to me to stop singing.

I stopped and opened my eyes.

And for the first time I really saw how people worship. I mean, i've seen the scene before but i had never really taken a good look at it. Hands were raised, faces were lit. And that guy right there? That prideful guy? Even he was surrendering to God in worship.

It was such an amazing sight.

It felt like a glimpse of heaven. It reminded me that when we come face to face with God, even the most powerful/successful/prideful person can't help to bow down like Moses who met God in the mountains; Job, in the whirlwind; and John, his dreams.

I also heard the sound of an united body of Christ singing. When the worship leaders pull their mike away from their mouths and all you here is just the voices of the entire church singing their love song to God... that moment is just wow.

During KI, there was this old grandpa who was wheeled in by an usher. After helping him out from his wheelchair and onto his seat, I overheard the usher saying, "I'll be right here if you need anything." And he really stayed beside the grandpa throughout the entire service. I thought to myself, "Wow this guy is seriously old, man." When the worship started, the grandpa stood up. One song. Another song. Then another song. Song after song, he remained standing.

He was motionless at first. I guess when you're old, you don't have the energy to keep up with the upbeat worship songs that the crowd favours. The grandpa probably didn't even know the songs. But when the climax came, I saw him lifting his hands and mouthing the lyrics.

He, too, was belting out his own melodies to God.

And finally, when worship drew to an end, he clapped and then took his seat.

My face were stained with tears by then - not because the worship songs moved me - but because the grandpa's worship unto God had touched me.

On another occasion, I witnessed this lady who worshipped in sign language. I was mesmerised. Half the time, my eyes trailed from the lyrics on screen to watching her worship. The thing with expressing emotions with the body is it feels so free and uninhibited - which is also why I enjoy watching people breaking out in dance during worship as well. The entire body is simply thrown into responding to God's presence. The lady's worship climaxed when she prostrated herself with her upturned palms and her face buried under the ground. It was an act of complete adoration and surrender and reverential fear.

She gave herself entirely.

I wonder how many of us worship like that with our words. I wonder if it's even possible to express to that extent with words. There's something beautiful about worshipping with actions. It's a full body commitment.

Another thing that i've learnt during KI is to dispense more hugs and kisses. We can be so quick to admonish that our correction drums out the reason why we are doing it in the first place - out of love. And sometimes a touch can convey what a thousand words cannot.

Also, my favourite song from KI and for the season:

THOUGHTS IN BED

There is a scene in Passengers that really stuck with me even after the movie ended.

The scene when he first stepped out of the spacecraft, floated around the galaxy while taking in the splendor of the universe.

I thought it was so poignant because he never contemplated to kill himself until the very point when he was marvelling at something so beautiful that a sharp realisation jolted in him - he didn't have anyone to share this joy with. That was when he decided his life was not worth living anymore.

It got me thinking: Loneliness doesn't just come when you have no one by your side when you're sad with but also when you have all the happiness in the world yet you have nobody to share them with. Perhaps the pain is more acute in the latter.

I started to put myself in the character's shoes. I imagined admiring a beautiful sunset or watching a magnificent fireworks display. And wow, it really hit me that indeed the experience would be a lot more enjoyable if you could share and marvel in wonder with someone you love. This thought lingered in me for quite some time until another realisation dawned upon me: was that why God created man?

Not in the sense that God was lonely but if I were God - who is the fullness of joy, peace and all things good - I would also want to revel in that joy and happiness with others as well.

Like when a scenery takes your breath away and you say to God, "Wow, this is amazing. God you're so amazing!", He is beaming right back at you saying, "Yes! I wanted to show this to you!"

He delights in our pleasure. Isn't that mind blowing?

I don't know about you but it was honestly a revelation to me because nature always reminds me of God's prowess. Now, I can't help but to think of God sitting next to me and enjoying the scenery before us and saying, "I wanted to share this precious moment with you."

A warm fuzzy feeling swamped over me. That night, I drifted off to sleep knowing that I'm very, very much loved.

MUSING #2

(21/12/16)

 
I had a lunchtime conversation with my friends the other day. Well, they had the conversation. I merely sat and listened to them talk.

They were talking about depression. They were talking about how they found life meaningless.

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't a nerd," one commented. "Life would be so much easier. Just look at who are the ones who are suffering from mental illnesses. They are the intelligent ones. Half of the people in IMH have higher IQs than the average person."

It is indeed a privilege to be able to reflect about deep questions. Yet at the same time, it really drains a lot out of the person. Because eventually you'll reach the conclusion that life on earth is indeed... meaningless.

I often think back to the times when I was not a believer. What the heck did I do with my life? It was really just a series of living day after day. Eat. School. Play. Sleep. Repeat. I did not realise it back then but I see it now. Everyday was just a cycle of patterns.  There was no meaning, no end to the things I was doing.

And then I look at myself now. It's still the same. It's not as if my efforts won't go to futile after I become Christian. It will. The world will end. I will cease to exist. So why do I work so hard for? Why am I still alive? Honestly it's so much easier being a dead body than to live. And it is not that I can't find joy on earth. There are many things i love and derive happiness from. But the soul still remains insatiable.

The topic of life and death is morbid and people tend to avoid it because it makes them uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable because the end conclusion is whatever that's on earth cannot satisfy us to the fullest. And it is scary to admit that because it's akin to believing that there's no cure to our existential problem. Why am I here? What am I here for? What is the meaning of my existence? If nothing in this world can offer me the solution, then where do I turn to?

But while no one likes to talk about this, I'm sure we have all ponder about it once in a while. Everyone is searching for a life purpose, some point or another. I actually think it's healthy to think about about such stuff. A random bunch of molecules and cells gelled together wouldn't wonder about such philosophical questions. But we are more than a bunch of atoms. And God has set eternity in our hearts. We were made to yearn for something more - something greater than what this world can offer - because the point of our existence resides not in the earth but somewhere else. I love how CS Lewis puts it:

We are all searching. But what puts me at ease is that I know the God of all eternity and hope and because of this, I have also found the meaning of life; the courage of the stars.

To die may be a gain, but to live is always Christ.

INSECURE

The word felt foreign on my tongue as I verbalised it out. An unsavory taste lingered on.

You know, I never thought I had to use that word to describe myself. There were times I felt lacking, sure. But insecure? Never crossed my mind. Insecure is a word to describe people who over-excel because they want to prove their worth. That's not me. I don't try to excel. I just want to be average. I don't want to stand out. I just want to blend in.

But the irony is this: my insecurity is the precise reason why i caged myself within the iron-clad comfort zones of mediocrity that i've built. I refuse to step out so that i will never have a chance to feel insecure. I avoid setting high expectations because I don't want to get disappointed and feel lousy. And i don't want people to notice me because I'm afraid they will try to pull me out of my rut if they do.

So you see, just because your insecurities don't get a chance to manifest doesn't mean that you don't have them.

Insecurity comes about when there is a misplacement of trust - especially trust in ourselves. Because there will be times when we fail. And insecurity results from the fear of such occasions where our weaknesses show through and we get exposed that we are not who we portray ourselves to be.

But I can be secure in Christ if i truly understand what I have is not from myself but from God. Because if i truly understand it, the proper reaction is gratitude. When you are thankful, you stop comparing. And if i truly understand it, successes and failures wont define me because they all belong to God anyway. It doesn't point to me. It doesn't add to me. And consequently, it doesn't subtract from me either.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

I hadn't realised this before but my insecurity spilled over into so many areas of my life: Work/studies. Friendships. Faith. I won't go into details because the entire journey of me reaching this point of awakening is sooooooooooooooooooooo long. Instead, I will cut straight to the post-awakening zone. This is my camp reflection and resolution for 2017 (i knowwwww i took such a long time to write this post not because i procrastinated but because it was so hard for me to formulate my words): The boundaries that I've been keeping to may feel safe and comforting. But I'm stepping out.

With lots of fear and trembling.

But I'm stepping out.

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

:')

MUSING #1

(27/11/16)

I attended a vegan meeting today.

It's been a long time since I stepped into a social event out of my comfort zone (aka out of church). Not that I don't do well in socialising but I get extremely drained afterwards and honestly what's the point anyway.

But socialising today had a point - I needed contacts. So chit chatting it was then.

The experience was interesting. Disorienting, even. I could identify certain advocacy elements that are found in church as well. The leader and the followers, the outreach plans, the testimony and sharing sessions. I was new yet I knew exactly what they were doing; I was in the room, yet I felt as though I was outside of it all observing everything. At one point, I was afraid they would ask me to stay or rope me into the community (lol what we do in LG) but I didn't want to because...

Vegan practices are good but I don't want to commit to the lifestyle. Why go so far to conduct meetings and outreach session? Why attend activities and events at all? I can simply adopt bits and pieces of the vegan practices and live without all those commitment. Then i realised it's the same for Christianity. I felt, at that moment, how pre-believers/ non-committed Christians feel in the midst of us.

And the million dollar question: How do we convince them?

What would make me a full-fledged vegan convert?

I started to wonder why would people devote their time and effort advocating this lifestyle. I concluded that everyone needs meaning in life. We were not born as a cosmic freak accident and we know that - or need to know that - at the back of our minds. But not everyone turns to spirituality as a form of understanding the meaning of life. Therefore, people turn to other stuff like fighting for animal rights or promoting environmental welfare to make the world a better place. This means 2 things:

• Vegans derive meaning through contribution to the society/world.
• Even veganism, a seemingly altruistic lifestyle, is laced with the desire to satisfy one's soul. 

I found myself thinking, if all advocacy groups function in a similar manner, then there's no REAL significance because it is ultimately motivated for the self. As such, there will always be problems in society. Because even if there isn't, people will create/find problems to solve in order to derive their sense of purpose. Imagine if everything was perfect. The world wouldn't need us. Our existence on earth will cease to matter. So why live?

The thing is, everyone is seeking ways to fill their lives. But what we really want from it is to have a sense of purpose. And this can only be obtained if we see the value in the things we do.

Ultimately, it's all about seeing the value.

回头才发现在每一个时候你一直陪着我

I have been trying to start a new habit: To take the time out to jot my thoughts down while commuting. There are 2 main reasons for doing this. Practically, i need to practice how to form my thoughts into words in a more efficient manner. I find that i am taking too long to write an article because it's difficult for me to articulate what's going on in my head out loud. I also want to be more conscious of what i'm going through and what God is trying to teach me through my daily experiences. For too long, i have been zoning out whenever i have the free time (usually while commuting) because life often requires me to alert and on task and im just like so done. Reflection is then important because it makes sure i don't just go through the motion of doing life without fully living it.

The problem is, i am still taking quite some time to channel out my thoughts and feelings. My reflections are, more often than not, half-written and i get lazy to go back and edit it. And so i have a few drafts stored in my hand phone. I was just looking through it and i realised that there has been a consistent message throughout the month unbeknownst to me at the point of writing. Gonna work at it to push them out on this platform.

This post is pretty meaningless. To make up for it, here is my personal curation of Christmas songs and (i know this isn't Christmas-y but it's too addictive help!!) a Chinese song that i've been listening to as i work. Enjoy!

ㄧ个人的时候 在陌生的街头 抬头看着繁星夜垂的天空
I know I know 地球另一端有你陪我
谢谢你鼓励我 勇气是你给我 让我迈开脚步一起往前走
I know I know 你是我的OK绷 在每一个时候

Finding Your Partner

DISCLAIMER
This is a sharing on my opinions and learnings of a topic in the bible. The following content should not be taken wholesale. I would recommend you to conduct your own study too because I do not claim to have complete expertise on this subject although this post was written with the best of my research and knowledge as of date. I vouch that my sharing is not of a fickle-minded nature because i take the studying and preaching of Word seriously. However, it is subjected to further changes because learning is a lifelong process and i may get new insights. My ultimate aim is to inform and whet your appetite to study the bible more so if you think any of my explanations lacking, that's great! Find the answers and we can have a discussion to strengthen our bible knowledge bank ;)

Genesis 2:18-24

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
    for she was taken out of man.”
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

A friend shared with me this interesting revelation: Adam did not find Eve. It was God who brought Eve to Adam. 

You know, people peel their eyes open for a life partner but isn't it interesting that although God gave Adam the freedom to choose, Adam could not find a suitable one? Ultimately God was the one who brought the woman to Adam... while he was sleeping. God knows our needs best. We don't have to try so hard. We can rest in Him and trust our all-knowing and all-loving Father will bring to us who we need :)

*This does not mean that we (especially the guy) should be passive in pursuing a person. It simply means that we can be assured that as we place our focus on things that matter corresponding to the seasons of our lives, God also has our relationship interests at heart. And when we are presented someone we are attracted to, it is our responsibility to take initiative to know the other party first as a friend and then potentially a partner, taking into account other factors like is it the right time? etc. A godly relationship is really, really beautiful :)

DOWN THE VALLEY

I am finding it hard to love my mother - emotionally and action-wise.

Perhaps it has always been so just that it was amplified this month. Sometimes i think if it would be better if i just didnt care and not react to anything anymore but you know, the absence of love is not hatred but apathy.

Also, I am finding myself as the chair of many things. It comes with so many obligations and roles to play that I can feel myself running thin once more just that this time round i engage in a half-assed attitude as a form of protection.

I do wish i could pack my bags and head to some deserted island to live alone but no, instead pray for me to be strengthened so that i can love others beyond my own capacity. And pray for me not only to start the race well but to endure and finish the race with the same zeal as in the beginning. Most importantly, pray a for a friend for me that is suitable for this leg of the race. You can't run a marathon without the support and encouragement of another's.

I dont want to be a quitter. I want to be one who perseveres in the refiner's fire.

Yet again

X

Have you struggled with the same sin over and over again? The feeling of oh, here i am once more. What now? Where do i go from here? Am i being hypocritical? Praising God one second and doing things He hate the other.

And after struggling with the same sin over and over again, do you feel conflicted? You feel ashamed and guilty but God says its ok just repent and come back to me. Then you sin again and you start to understand that the weight of your guilt is not just your present sins but also the possibility of your future sins. What's the point of feeling guilty if it only draws you away from God? And yet what's the point of going back to God only to sin in the same area again? Aren't you sick of this cycle? Where's the sincerity in repenting? How are you deserving of this grace?

Service last week reminded me of my journey with Christ. As i looked back, i realised that even if i have to bear the humiliation of being unworthy, i still want to be in God's love. I'd crawl my way back even if i have to. People may say i am thick-skinned or unabashed of my own sins but i'd rather be scorned at - by others and myself - than to not tie the laces of His shoes.

I am sorry.

❝ I wonder how they could yell Barabbas instead of Jesus.
I wonder how they sang Hosanna and days later, Crucify him.
I wonder how Pontius could wash his hands of it, as though a dirty conscience could be so easily cleaned.

But — I am Barabbas, sinner set free.
I yell Crucify him as I sing praises with ease.
I am Pontius, who turned a blind eye to glory.
And yet, so Christ still died for me.
Still he died, where I should be,
a perfect love on that tree. ❞

— J.S. (via jspark3000)

Why did Jesus have to die?

More importantly, why did he have to shed blood? Die, die la. Must it be a bloody crucification?

I asked myself that question when i was thinking about animal sacrifices during the Old Testament period and started doing research on it. But before I dive into the main topic, let's all start with the basic questions surrounding Jesus and his death.

Who is Jesus?

Jesus is 100% God and 100% man. He is God in a human form.

Why did God have to appear in human form?

God had to appear in human form because God alone is sinless and therefore only His sacrifice can atone for our sins.

To understand this, we need to understand the Christian concept of sin. God is holy and cannot tolerate sin. Therefore, sin separates us from God. The consequence of sin is eternal spiritual death (aka hell). Without the connection to God, we are considered to be spiritually dead. In formula terms:

Sinfulness = disconnected from God = spiritual death.

So in order to have be spiritually alive, we need to revert the formula/make atonements for it.

Spiritually alive = connected to God = Sinless

To be spiritually alive, mankind needs to be sinless. But we are not because Adam & Eve had sinned. So we either face the consequences of sin (eternal spiritual death/separation from God) ourselves or find someone who is sinless to atone for us. And who is sinless except God? Nobody. Therefore only He can die and make atonements for our sins. But how does God, an immortal, die?

This is why God had to appear in human form. Only then can He die and sacrifice His life for us.

Why must there be shedding of blood?

Even before Jesus, animals were offered up as blood sacrifice during the Old Testament time. And this is where everything started for me. I questioned the necessity for a blood sacrifice. Why blood? Why? I went online to check and it is because...

Blood is the essence and symbol of life in the bible (and in reality too).

For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life.” Leviticus 17:11

Blood represents life which is needed to make atonement. Therefore the shedding of blood is of extreme significance in the sacrificial system. Without blood, there is no atonement, no forgiveness (Hebrews 9:22).

Animal sacrifices

This is the reason why animal sacrifices were required before the coming of Christ. They were temporary atonements for sins and also acted as a reminder to the Israelites about the severity of their sinfulness. Animal sacrifices had to be done yearly and even after that, only the priests could enter the Holiest of the Holies to come into God's presence. But Jesus is sinless and hence is the perfect sacrifice.

Therefore Jesus came. And his blood was shed.

For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.
1 Corinthians 15:21 

And thus we are made righteous, justified by the blood of Christ. No longer is the shedding of blood needed just for us to come close to God. It is done, once and for all. The Holy Communion now serves as our reminder of our sins and God's sacrifice for us. Animals sacrifices are henceforth redundant :)

Ok, I am supposed to stop here but i thought i would throw in my thoughts on tattoos. I swear it is related as you will see.

Can Christians get tattoos?

I have always wanted tattoos. I even have a curation of tattoo photos on pinterest haha. I wanted 7 tattoos and even planned their positions and designs. But HY and I used to get into countless heated arguments on whether tattoos are biblical or not. He would throw me Leviticus verses about how we shouldn't harm or pierce our bodies and how it is occult in nature and i'd be like EXCUSE ME? Not like I'm going to get some weird tattoos?! There are also laws in Leviticus that we don't necessarily follow now what. So no matter how many times he tried to convince me i could never reconcile why tattoos are supposedly unbiblical. I mean, there are pretty good arguments on both sides of the tables (watch) and i can't be persuaded either way although i was inclining towards yay for tattoos. So yeah it was a bad topic for both of us because we kept on arguing. Until he asked me this question:

"Would you rather take the risk and disappoint God or go ahead and get it even though you're unsure?"

Out of all the advices he had given me in so many areas of my life, that is the one sentence i would never forget. Maybe to some of you it sounds like he was trying to guilt-trip me - but i know he wasn't. Because I would rather give up tattoos than to risk finding out i had 'accidentally' disobeyed Him. I mean, it is just tattoos... right?

And so, i let go of that dream of mine with much difficulty. Obviously there were times i found myself sighing as i play with the thought of tattoos in my mind because it is hard to give up on something you desire badly when you don't fully understand why you should be doing so. But i could not bear to choose anything else over God so i kept resisting it.

But i found my grounding reason after doing research for this post (which was first written close to 2 years ago. Hahaha, eh i don't anyhow post bible stuff ok? I really think through and try my best to be responsible for my words). I don't know about needles and piercings and all but now i do know how important and valuable blood is and what it signifies. So i guess I'm ok with piercings as long as they do not involve blood (infections not counted).

DISCLAIMER
The above was a sharing on my opinions and learnings of a topic in the bible. The content should not be taken wholesale. I would recommend you to conduct your own study too because I do not claim to have complete expertise on this subject although this post was written with the best of my research and knowledge as of date. I vouch that my sharing is not of a fickle-minded nature because i take the studying and preaching of Word seriously. However, it is subjected to further changes because learning is a lifelong process and i may get new insights. My ultimate aim is to inform and whet your appetite to study the bible more so if you think any of my explanations lacking, that's great! Find the answers and we can have a discussion to strengthen our bible knowledge bank ;)

Take my heart, Lord

Recently, a friend said this to me, "Godly man 誰不要? But 她們沒有想 as a partner 她們這麼樣可以 support 那個男的," (we were discussing about girls who fangirl over certain brothers in church).

Upon further reflection, i realised how true that statement is. I think most of us are so engrossed in finding our ideal partner that we seldom stop to think "What kind of partner am i?" I suppose then, it is really useless to glue binoculars to our eyes and constantly scanning for good women/men. We should use the time instead to hone our character so as to be a worthy enough match for our significant other.

Another incident came into my mind. I was discussing about relationships and marriage with my mentor. I know most girls can't wait to find their lifelong companion. I, on the other hand, experience heart palpitation and breathing difficulties (not the good kind!!) when i think of spending my life with another person. The idea itself makes me jittery and nauseous. All i could think about when i was conversing with my mentor was "God, how can i trust any other human with my heart? Who can i trust more than myself and You? There is no one else but You, Lord."

And that exact moment God spoke to me. I realised why people always say we should give our hearts to Jesus. Do i trust myself more or Him? Of course Him. Jesus knows best and He has my best interests at heart. I can never hand my own heart over to another man. But i can hand it to Jesus and trust that He will only show it to someone who is worthy of it.*

"She was the most radiant girl I've ever met. Her face literally glowed. She was beautiful - but it was not a contrived beauty, propped up by outward things like clothes and makeup. Rather, her beauty seemed to emanate from somewhere within her. Her eyes sparkled with passion. Her smile lit up the entire room. She was entirely other focused and seemed to completely lose sight of herself. Most men groomed by modern culture wouldn't have given her a second look. She didn't carry herself with that seductive, flirtatious air that guys always seemed to respond to. She didn't dressed to show off her figure. In fact, she didn't pursue guys at all. She was far too busy living out a passionate romance with Jesus Christ to be pining after an earthly prince."

Rather than wrestling with the issues of the heart, I would like to strive to become the aforementioned woman as for now.

I really should go to bed. I have a 930am class tomorr- i mean later today.




*I think i need to be clear that neither wanting to be single nor married is better or worse. It is only problematic when there is a root issue. Yearning for a guy's love is unhealthy. So is deliberately shunning away from love. Both are simply insecurities in different forms.

The Veil

Recently I've been doing research on animal sacrifice in the OT (it's for a post that I will post up after refining it) and it reminded me how precious God's presence is.

I think sometimes we take God's presence for granted. We think, "Ah I can do QT another day. I can go church/LG another day. I can worship another day. Another day. Another day. Another day."

But you know, before Christ came, people can't even enter the presence of the Lord at all. The holiest of the holies had to be separated by a veil. Only a priest could enter - and not without a price. They could only enter into the presence of God once a year and they had to sacrifice animals. (I don't know what's worse - the people standing behind the veil, so close and yet so far away from God or God whom watched from behind the veil, longing to be with His people). But after Christ came, we are able to freely come into His presence. And yet we say another day Lord, another day.

I think I'd like this post to be a reminder - that God's presence should not be taken for granted and there is no more veil that could ever separate us from God. 

The only veil left is ourselves.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

"Follow me, and I'll make you fishers of men."

For the first time, I am beginning to understand in my heart the privilege of being a LGL.

Someone came to me and said (not in exact wording) "I can't do it on my own anymore. Help me seek God."

Did the person turn to me only because I am their leader? Most likely. I wouldn't think they would have came to me if not for my spiritual authority. And that's when I realised I have been given access to someone's pain through this position of mine. How precious, how fragile this trust is.

Being a church leader really is a personal struggle for me. But now i see the privilege that comes with it. Indeed, being able to play a part, being able to witness a life being transformed by Christ... what great and inexpressible joy that is :)

I am aware that I have only talked from the perspective of a leader but there are other roles that can have this entitlement as well - a trusted sister, a close friend, or even simply as a stranger with a listening ear. The point is: know that wherever you are placed, you are influential in your position.

P&W

on praise and worship
I used to prefer worship over praise songs because worship songs are quieter and meditative... a more conducive genre for me to feel God's presence. But I have been really, really, really loving praise recently! Who says you can't immerse yourself and experience God through upbeat praise songs as much as worship songs (I am currently obsessed with CEDM whoop whoop!!)!?

I remember there was a lot of controversies when Hillsong's Wake first came up because people thought it was too worldly/ too EDM etc etc. I had my reservations too but i suppose any song that is made to glorify God can be considered holy! I think we shouldnt limit ourselves to thinking that loving God shown through a serious and solemn manner. I think God is happy to inhibit in our praise and joy and shouts too! 

on the expressions of praise and worship

I used to only clap my hands during praise. It remained like that for 3 years. 3 years!! Imagine just standing still and clapping and singing lol. I mean, come on! If people can get high on nothing and club like mad every weekend, then shouldn't we be more compelled to get high on Jesus and party hard every Saturday? God deserves so much more! 

That really changed my perspective and now I can't help but want to jump, clap, sway and laugh to the music. I don't care if the people around me are deadpanned. I'm just gonna praise God #handsintheair #swaytothebeat #shoutandclap :D Actually... i secretly want to grab the hands of the person beside me and twirl around during praise HAHAHA. But i don't dare. Which is why I'm always in awe of those people who freely dance in the spirit near front of the stage. I don't know them personally but i can recognise their faces and whenever they are near me I'm just like shooting byung-byung eyes. 

byung byung eyes

Woohoo, can't wait to get to heaven and praise and worship God! Imagine how awesome it will be with EVERYONE celebrating His goodness! WHOOP WHOOP! I WANNA PARTY FOR CHRIST! I WANNA GET DRUNK IN GOD'S GOODNESS #PUTYOURHANDSINTHEAIR #SWAYTOTHEBEAT #SHOUTANDCLAP

on the reason behind praise and worship
As you may know, I was struggling a few months back. Honestly, my situation has not changed for the better. In fact, things got complicated and more problems arose. Lol. But i think God really poured me an extra dosage of His joy since then and i don't feel as frustrated and angry as i did. I am currently obsessed with Hillsong's Energy (#CEDMforthewin!!) and i think it is what God is to me at this moment. Thank you Jesus for being my vitality pill  :)

Now, back to essay writing.