INSECURE

The word felt foreign on my tongue as I verbalised it out. An unsavory taste lingered on.

You know, I never thought I had to use that word to describe myself. There were times I felt lacking, sure. But insecure? Never crossed my mind. Insecure is a word to describe people who over-excel because they want to prove their worth. That's not me. I don't try to excel. I just want to be average. I don't want to stand out. I just want to blend in.

But the irony is this: my insecurity is the precise reason why i caged myself within the iron-clad comfort zones of mediocrity that i've built. I refuse to step out so that i will never have a chance to feel insecure. I avoid setting high expectations because I don't want to get disappointed and feel lousy. And i don't want people to notice me because I'm afraid they will try to pull me out of my rut if they do.

So you see, just because your insecurities don't get a chance to manifest doesn't mean that you don't have them.

Insecurity comes about when there is a misplacement of trust - especially trust in ourselves. Because there will be times when we fail. And insecurity results from the fear of such occasions where our weaknesses show through and we get exposed that we are not who we portray ourselves to be.

But I can be secure in Christ if i truly understand what I have is not from myself but from God. Because if i truly understand it, the proper reaction is gratitude. When you are thankful, you stop comparing. And if i truly understand it, successes and failures wont define me because they all belong to God anyway. It doesn't point to me. It doesn't add to me. And consequently, it doesn't subtract from me either.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

I hadn't realised this before but my insecurity spilled over into so many areas of my life: Work/studies. Friendships. Faith. I won't go into details because the entire journey of me reaching this point of awakening is sooooooooooooooooooooo long. Instead, I will cut straight to the post-awakening zone. This is my camp reflection and resolution for 2017 (i knowwwww i took such a long time to write this post not because i procrastinated but because it was so hard for me to formulate my words): The boundaries that I've been keeping to may feel safe and comforting. But I'm stepping out.

With lots of fear and trembling.

But I'm stepping out.

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

:')