OBSESSION

What can I do with my obsession?
With the things I cannot see
Is it madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees?

Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns

INTO THE WATERS

I got baptised on the 13th of April, just before I entered university. Rachie's last minute baptism last sat reminded me of mine and so I thought of doing a full account of my story now that I've left uni. A full 4 years with Christ yo! And also because the baptism post that I've linked on my profile is crap. Time for a change.

I remember getting into arguments with my leader. He, for the good of my sake, wanted me to be baptised. I refused. I had seen too many fallen away from the faith despite proclaiming to the public that Jesus was their saviour. Then what's the point of the declaration? I always liken baptism to marriage. What is the point of getting married if you were not serious about your partner, about the lifelong commitment?

I didn't want that. I wanted to make my own decision and not be pressurised by leaders or friends to do so. And so I refused. I told my leader, the more he pressurised me, the more I will not go for it.

You have a rebellious spirit, he said.

I rolled my eyes.

Then somewhere along the line, I decided on my own terms that I truly wanted to follow Christ for life, and perhaps even unto death (martyrdom). I don't know what happened along the way. My faith journey was a natural progression; there was no exceptional defining moment. Anyhow, I was sure Christ was the one true God and that he is deserving of my adoration and devotion. The only obstacle left was my mother.

My mom had never been fully accepting of my faith (though it has gotten better over the past years). When I mentioned that I wanted to get baptised, she was adamant on saying no.

I wasn't angry. I understood her concerns and tried to address them. I even wrote her a letter after our conversation to explain my decision and made it clear that even if it wasn't now, i would eventually be baptised anyway. I had no doubt about it.

But I was devastated. I really, really, really wanted to go for baptism. I even chose my baptism name in faith. My leader told me that I should hold God's command above my parents. I know that full well. But I wanted to honour my parents too. And so I prayed for a sign. If you give me this sign, God, I will go for baptism even if my parents refuse me to. I prayed and prayed and prayed. To no avail. I remember sitting at the front of the auditorium (my mentee was getting baptised) on that fateful day, worshipping and crying out to God, "why?"

And with one final ounce of faith, I told God if the song 10,000 Reasons played, I would take it as a sign and go (I chose the song because i love the final verse and it was my fantasy to be able to be baptised with that song playing LOL).

I waited and waited. I don't remember what songs we sang for worship that day but 10,000 Reasons was not part of it.

Soon, it was time for my mentee to be baptised. I held on to her belongings and cheered for her as I stood in the first row, trying to capture every moment. On hindsight, I probably should have let someone else film it because it was right before she submerged into the waters that 10,000 Reasons started to play. I started to freak out.

"Omg omg omg!! Where is HY?? I need to get water baptised! NOW!!!"

What happened after that was a flurry of mad rush. I had to get myself registered, grabbed the set of clothes they provided, change into it and walk back into the auditorium. In all honesty, I can't even remember what went on when I was standing in the tank. I don't even know if there were friends besides my mentor who was there to witness my baptism. It was so hectic that I left my shoes beside the tank after I climbed out of it and did not realised it until I was in the changing room. By the time I finished and went back into the auditorium to redeem my shoes, everyone was gone.

There was no crowd cheering for me; no friend to welcome me. I received no cards, no flowers and my makeup was smudged. My baptism was no pretty scene. All it was, was a wild euphoria and then, everything was over.

Despite all that, I felt... free. I kept holding back my decision to go under the waters of baptism despite my desire to. And when God gave the green light, it was like He released me from a bondage. And when you are freed from your captivity, what do you do? You run. You run as fast as possible. Everything is a motion of blur except the road ahead of you and you just dash towards it without thinking about anything. The sense of release, the release of endorphins...

I think one of the biggest (dare I say this?) regret I have with regards to my baptism was that my family was not present to witness it. But I've learnt that some things are not meant to be. And some stories are not mine to tell.

As for the name, well, I first came across Apostle Paul in the bible when he was stoning Stephen in Acts (back then he was known as Saul)

When the members of the Sanhedrin heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.”   

At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their coats at the feet of a young man named Saul.  

While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.  

And Saul approved of their killing him.
(Acts 7:54 - 8:1)

I literally LOL-ed when I read that sentence because who does this guy thinks he is? Giving approval to someone's death as though he's king. His sheer arrogance made me laugh. And while the bible consists a lot of funny and sarcastic phrases this was the first time I burst out laughing. It was also the first time I was really interested in a character from the bible. I began to take notice of this man and realised his life transformation was amazing. His life and his faith really wowed me. This is a man who means everything he says and he practices what he preaches. And come on guys, he really does say all the darnest things.

My friend tried to propose other names with similar meaning or backstory like Hannah or Stephanie but I insisted on Paul. The reason why I didn't choose a feminine version of Paul was because it didn't feel right. I can't imagine someone calling me Paula or Pauline (eeek) and I really wanted to retain the original name. So Paul it was.

I was also desperately attempting to make my baptism name sound more feminine with a second name and so I went on a hunt. While searching, my friend told me about Asher (which I don't understand why he even recommended me this because it totally doesn't sound feminine at all).

Asher is one of the 12 tribes of Israel and he received extremely great blessings from Moses and Jacob. Literally this guy is going to be rich.

But I didn't choose the name for that. What eventually made me settle for Asher was the last verse.

Blessed is Asher with children. May he be pleasing to his brothers and dip his foot in oil. Iron and copper are from your shoes and as your days so is your strength.
Deuteronomy 33:24-25

In many areas of our lives, the longer we do a certain thing, the easier it is for us to be jaded. You get weary, bored or complacent. But for Asher, his blessing was that his strength would match the number of his days. While it seems like a description of physical strength, I interpreted and claimed it for my spiritual strength - I don't want to be wear out as I mature as a Christian. I want my fervour to grow and at the end of my life, be able to look back and say "I chased God with all my heart, soul, strength and mind".

That is also the reason why I chose 10,000 reasons as the sign.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10, 000 Years and then forever more

Oh yes, afraid that the sign was a fluke, I perk my ears at every baptism service trying to see if 10,000 reasons is a standard song they play. It's been 4 years since then. I have not heard it in a baptism service. God, you're truly good :')

And yup that is my baptism story. God has been faithful for the past 4 years and I'm excited to journey with Him for the next part of my life! 🙌

BUT YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY

I am a thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

Oh how you love us.

Saviour, please

Savior, please take my hand

I work so hard, I live so fast

This life begins, and then it ends

And I do the best that I can,

But I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough

But I'm just not strong enough

I can't do this alone,

God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough

But I'm nothing without Your love

Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand

I fall so hard, I fade so fast

Will You begin right where I end

And be the God of all I am

Because You're all I have

Hallelujah

Everything You are to me

Is everything I'll ever need

And I am learning to believe

That I don't have to prove a thing

'Cause You're the one who's saving me

Can we just take a moment and appreciate how well written this song is? Sometimes we take salvation for granted that we begin to momentarily lose sight of grace. Then there are times we think we can do without Him so we begin to let Jesus slip our minds. Yet what is life without Him? Nothing. May i never go through a day thinking i can make it on my own; thinking that i don't need You. I want to be conscious of You every single second. Salvation may be once off but sanctification is a daily process. Saviour, please keep saving me.

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. 

Philippians 2:12-13

2 Kings 6:12 - 17

There once lived a great prophet named Elisha. The king of Aram sent his soldiers to capture him. Overnight, the army surrounded the city. When Elisha's servant saw what happened the next morning, he was alarmed. But Elisha looked at him and said, "Do not worry. Those who are with us are more than those who are with them," He prayed to the Lord to open the eyes of the servant, that he may see what was really happening. The servants eyes were opened. He saw horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

The army of God was with them.


It is so easy to look at the natural and despair. But a bad place to be is the best place where God can work His miracles. Lord, open my eyes of little faith so that i shall walk by faith and not by sight!

Crowns

There is a hill I cherish
Where stood a precious tree
The emblem of salvation
The gift of Calvary

How is it I should profit
While He is crucified
Yet as His life was taken
So I was granted mine

My wealth is in the cross
There’s nothing more I want
Than just to know His love
My heart is set on Christ
And I will count all else as loss
The greatest of my crowns
Mean nothing to me now
For I counted up the cost
And all my wealth is in the cross

I will not boast in riches
I have no pride in gold
But I will boast in Jesus
And in His Name alone

And when I stand in glory
My crowns before the Lord
Let this be my confession
My wealth is in the cross

TGIF

It felt good when Thursday drew to an end because it means my week is officially over! This week has been a long and emotionally vexing week. I remember there was this particular day where i felt so stressed out that i kept praying for the bus to come so i could get home asap and fall into a deep sleep and not think about anything. I am so glad that the tough part is over and i can enjoy my weekend now :) Thank God for tiding me through and for friends who listened to my (partial) rantings haha.

Had an outreach session yesterday during LG. Street evangelism is something that i always dread, and when i had to do it, something i want to get it over and done with. But God reminded me what outreach was all about - ministering and meeting people at where they are. And when i finally understood this point, it went beyond giving people invitations and became an avenue where i can listen to their needs and pray for them. And yes, we managed (my team at least) to pray for almost everyone that we came across! It feels great to be able to bless someone :D

I had a great experience yesterday not because i managed to give out invites but because i felt that i was able to be who Jesus is to me to them.

I am going to share an article here that expounds on the core of evangelism. It encouraged me greatly and i hope it will do the same for you too.
https://bible.org/illustration/how-jesus-interacted-people

Also, i recently realised that our church has a spotify playlist for all the songs sang in the month!! I am listening to it right now and God is sending me happy vibes through the songs because it keeps playing praise songs!! I am not even kidding. It is on shuffle mode but upbeat songs keep flooding in. Hehe. Feeling blessed and loved ^^ Here are two oldies but goodies and definitely a great reminder of who God is to me through this week! :) Have a blessed week ahead everyone!

Song no. 1: You Are Good 

I want to scream it out
From every mountain top
Your goodness knows no bounds
Your goodness never stops
Your mercy follows me
Your kindness fills my life
Your love amazes me 

I sing because You are good
And I dance because You are good
And I shout because You are good
You are good to me to me 

Nothing and no one comes
Anywhere close to You
The earth and oceans deep
Only reflect this truth
And in my darkest night
You shine as bright as day 

Your love amazes me
With a cry of praise my heart will proclaim
You are good You are good
In the sun or rain my life celebrates
You are good You are good

Song no. 2: Promises 

Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me
Singin' all your promises wont let go of me 

I surrendered my life to your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus my heart has been changed by you
I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth every day
Jesus my heart has been changed by you 

I couldn't walk away if I tried
'Cause your love is better than life 

Now the sun's shining bright
And it just wont set
'Cause your love is a light and it lights my step
My heart is amazed every day to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't forget about it

I SHALL NOT WANT

I rediscovered Audrey Assad and her voice and her music are such a blessing to humanity. Enjoy :)

From the love of my own comfort

From the fear of having nothing

From a life of worldly passions

Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood

From the need to be accepted

From the fear of being lonely

Deliver me O God

Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want

when I taste Your goodness I shall not want

when I taste Your goodness I shall not want

From the fear of serving others

From the fear of death or trial

From the fear of humility

Deliver me O God

Deliver me O God

SING AND SHOUT

What could be better than the grace that washes all our shame away?

What could be better than Your great Love?

What could be better than the grace that leads us home and makes a way?

What could be better than Your great Love?

We will sing and shout, sing and shout

Open up our hearts and pour Your praises out

Really love contemporary Christian folk music heheeeeee.

CAPTAIN

Through waters uncharted my soul will embark
I'll follow Your voice straight into the dark
And if from the course You intend I depart
Speak to the sails of my wandering heart 

Lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog
Your truth is the compass that points me back north
Jesus, my Captain, my soul's trusted Lord
All my allegiance is rightfully Yours 

Like the wind, You'll guide
Clear the skies before me
And I'll glide this open sea
Like the stars, Your Word
Will align my voyage
And remind me where I've been
And where I am going

 "I go east, but he is not there.
    I go west, but I cannot find him.
I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden.
    I look to the south, but he is concealed.

But he knows where I am going.
    And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.
For I have stayed on God’s paths;
    I have followed his ways and not turned aside.
I have not departed from his commands,
    but have treasured his words more than daily food.
But once he has made his decision, who can change his mind?
    Whatever he wants to do, he does.
So he will do to me whatever he has planned.
    He controls my destiny."
- Job 23: 8-14

主耶稣我爱你

Ever since the early days of Christian walk, learning to love my family (esp my mom) has been my struggle. You'd think it is only natural to love your mom but I could never display the same amount of affection as i have towards my grandma towards my mom. Part of it is because of family culture and the other part is because we are complete opposites - and i dont mean in a complimentary manner. I really cannot stand my mother's personality. If we were not a family, i dont think i would ever associate myself with her. She is literally a walking bomb that will trigger me to flare up anytime, anywhere.

I knew this was a problem since my poly days. I struggled very hard because i knew what a Christian should be like but it is so hard to be a salt and light at home when you are so comfortable that you become lax. I kept praying but to no avail until i entered uni and Pei showed me a teaching from Elevation Church. From then on, that teaching has been listed as my no. 1 teaching that influenced me big time (interestingly, i can't find it now and i dont remember the title!). Rather than just head knowledge, God spoke to me through my heart and subsequently i was able to grow in this area one bit at a time.

It is not always smooth sailing. Case in point, i got into a big fight with my mom a few weeks ago. Even though i apologised to her, i still find it hard to have any positive feelings towards my mom. I sound cold-hearted but who doesn't want to have a close and loving relationship with their mom? If i had a choice, i would also choose not to face this kind of trial in my life because i am equally frustrated and disappointed with myself every time i argue with her.

And here comes the crux of this post. Eric Moo came to our church for a Mother's Day special service in which he shared his experiences of God. Specifically, he testified how God intervened to kick off 3 of his addictions: smoking, drinking and gambling. The climax came when he related to us the back story of the song: 主耶稣我爱你. He told us that he composed the song on a casino cruise because he had shut himself in his room in order to distract himself from the temptation of gambling. I teared up when he was performing the song, i teared up yesterday night as i listened to the song once more and i am now tearing up as i play the song in the background while writing this post because in the midst of feeling beaten down, his story was an encouragement to me.

...

主耶稣我感谢你 你照亮了我平凡的生命
主耶稣我爱你 让我每分每秒和你在一起
主耶稣我仰望你 你带我走过每一个脚印
主耶稣我爱你 直到世界的尽头我也愿意
主耶稣我荣耀你 你流尽宝血换我的生命
主耶稣我爱你 如果没有你一切没有意义
主耶稣我荣耀你 你流尽宝血换我的生命
主耶稣我爱你 如果没有你一切没有意义
主耶稣我敬拜你 所有的赞美荣耀都归你
主耶稣我爱你 不会让你白白牺牲了自己
我感谢你 我仰望你 我荣耀你 主我爱你
主耶稣我敬拜你 所有的赞美荣耀都归你
主耶稣我爱你 不会让你白白牺牲了自己

This song that was created in resistance of temptation starts with "主耶稣" in every single sentence. It reminded me 2 things. 1) Jesus should be our focus in face of trial and temptation because he is the only motivation that will last a lifetime. 2) Jesus should be our reason for wanting to strive for a holier standard because he has given us so much. Listening to Eric Moo's testimonies also reminded me of the transforming power of Christ. I can overcome my bad habit of being rude to my mom and not be defined by my family culture or restricted by our differences.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:21-25

3.2

A pure heart, that's what I long for.

A heart that follows hard after Thee;

A pure heart, that's what I long for.

A heart that follows hard after Thee.

A heart that hides Your Word

So that sin will not come in.

A heart that's undivided

But one You rule and reign;

A heart that beats compassion,

That pleases You, my Lord.

A sweet aroma of worship

That rises to Your throne.

//

There is no one, no one like you

Who can know my heart like you do

For all creation sings your song

I will join with them declaring your glory 

We can run straight into your arms unafraid

Cause every time we need you we’re met by love

And we can lift our hands to heaven full of faith

Cause every time we worship we see your face

There is no one like you Lord, you Lord

//

Let the King of my heart be the mountain where I run

The fountain I drink from, oh He is my song

Let the King of my heart be the shadow where I hide

The ransom for my life, oh He is my song

Let the King of my heart be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves, oh He is my song

Let the King of my heart be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days, oh He is my song

You are good, good ohhh

You're never gonna let me down

When the night is holding onto me, God is holding on.

When the night is holding onto me, God is holding on.

Just some worship songs that have ministered to me recently. New semester starting in a few hours for me. Life is as such: a never ending cycle.

:')

Come Thou fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

Streams of mercy, never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it

Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Here by Thy great help I've come

And I hope by Thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger

Wandering from the throne of God

He, to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood

Oh, to grace how great a debtor

Daily Im constrained to be

Let that grace now, like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander,  Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above

Hallelujah, He has saved me

Hallelujah, He has come

Hallelujah, it is finished

O the victory has been won!

O awaken, all ye children

hear the call of Father's Love

This salvation, not for keeping

but to share & to award

A generation, You desire

bringing Jesus to the lost

No other worthy cause we cling to

than the one shown on the cross

New bridge and verse added by Awaken Generation. Listen to their version here.

Your great love will lead me through

I had meant to post this last week but the first week of holiday was so hectic that today is the first day i can stop and catch my breath for more than an hour. Cant believe I'm saying this but...

Thank God for Monday!

The past week was filled with apprehension because i had to officially conduct LG without my safety net, aka Hang, for the first time. I wasn't sure if i was able to stop being such a martha and start being more of a mary; i wasn't sure if i could get people to follow my lead.. etc etc. My Lighthouse by Rend Collective became my mantra for that week. 

The melody sounds way too chirpy and upbeat for the song to be deeply meaningful but i actually like every line because each sentence has its significance.

Anyway, God has proven time and time again He is the shepherd of His own flock. LG turned out fine eventually. More than fine, if i'd say so myself. Im just really grateful for the people inside my LG and the leaders who have given me much support throughout.

And also, we sang How He Loves during service last Saturday. I never thought i would be able to hear that in my church and so i was extremely pleasantly surprised. It is hands down the most poetic, most touching, most beautifully written worship song I've ever heard. It is the first song that i loved so much that i wanted to match its stunning lyrics with beautiful images. You can see it here.

Have a wonderful week ahead everyone! :)

The eye of a tornado

Photo: x x x / Lyrics: You Satisfy My Soul by Laura Hackett / Edited by: Me

This week, or rather this entire semester, had been a really bad one. I cant remember the last time i felt so disappointed in myself. Maybe when i was in secondary school? I had always pride myself on having self control but everything spiralled out of my hand this semester. Friendship, studies, personal image... I kept finding myself in situations where i would lose my helm and composure. Despite the discouragements, i still managed to hold on to my broken fort. I would wake up my idea, tell myself to stop thinking about my past trip ups and carry on. But today, as i walked out of the exam hall, i could feel that whatever ruins that were left completely disintegrated into powder.

The worst part was not knowing that i probably wont do well after the paper because i had already braced myself for that. The worst part was having an epiphany on the correct answer right after i submitted my paper - the thinking that i actually had a hope at regaining my momentum but it slipped away in front of my eyes like sand through a palm - that was the worst. I wanted to cry but i was so hollow and empty inside that i couldnt tear up.

I walked back to HQ for refreshment night and they were singing the bridge of Never Once. I thought it was so beautiful that i cried. Im in a mess of a whirlwind but there is one constant in my life. Jesus, You are by my side and i am never alone.

The desire to have control is great but i am willing to lose it all for the promise of Your presence. Because at the end of it all, only Your love can satisfy my soul.



I may not be in control. But You are.

I have heard the song of love that You sing

Photo: x x x / Lyrics: You Make Me Brave by Amanda Cook / Edited by: Me

Creating typographies had been my form of worship unto God in the past. I could spend hours imprinting verses and lyrics on beautiful pictures. Its been too long, too long.

I like the analogy between waves and God's love. To me, God's love is like when you walk on the edges of the shore - the moment when the warm waves kiss your feet and then slowly drawing back. It is soothing and comforting and i just want to feel the waves lapping against my skin forever. But the waves in You Make Me Brave are not gentle. It is majestic and strong. I remember seeing the Indiana ocean in Bali and realising the full intensity of the song for the first time. God's love is calming but it is also powerful. Do i even fully know what that entails?

Mmm.

I have been wanting to lead a more prayerful life. I always thought myself as extremely blessed. I could haven been born impaired, i could be living in a war zone but here i am, safe and sound while children - babies even - wonder if they could make it through the next second. It struck me that it is not that God does not care for those people. He has placed others in influential and privilege positions so that they can be a refuge to those in need. I am where i am so that others can find refuge in me. Though i cant do much but i can pray.

I used to think prayers are redundant. If God wants to work miracles, He will do so. How does my prayer help? But someone shared a story with me one day. The church was in chaos and people were fighting with one another. One man asked God why doesn't He do anything. Then, he saw armies of angels surrounding the church. And God said, "I won't move until my people pray."

God wants to move but He wants to move with us. It is a co-operation, not a one-man (or in this case, God) show. Prayers help me see God's heart for His people. Prayers help me align my will with His. God's heart is hurting and i want to cry with Him.

A heart's cry

Verse 1
走过无数个黑夜 Walking through the darkest night,
我的心慢慢冷却 my heart's turning cold inside
是否真的无法盼得 I start wondering if I'll ever
曙光来的那一天 get to see the dawning light.

Verse 2
站在风雨的跟前 Standing here before the storm
我要专注你的脸 Lord Your face I look upon.
歌颂你的信实永不变 Singing "faithful is the King of all"

Chorus
你说 You said:
"你要勇敢 你要坚强 "be strong and be courageous
永远不妥协 don't waver, don't fall
因为 我的十架 我的宝血 'Cause my cross and my blood
证明了一切 has proved it all.
经历 彷徨 伤痛 疲惫 Doubts, hurts, and weariness can make you dry,
记得来到我跟前 but come to me, child,
让我为你擦干你的眼" I'll wipe the tears from your eyes" 

Verse 3
跟随你的这些年 All the memories of my journey with You
幕幕浮现在眼前 are appearing before my eyes.
你的承诺在我身命 I see that Your faithfulness was revealed
一次又一次实现 through all Your promises realised in my life.

Verse 4
天涯海角寻一遍 For something to fill me, I have searched far and wide.
空虚中我才发现 But it's only in the emptiness when I realised,
唯独你能充满我心田 that it's only You who can truly satisfy.

Discovered a great song today.

When I need to get home, You're my guiding light

Our city isn't perfect

Our city is a blaze of neon flare

Does anybody care

Fractured lines in the pavement

Embers color the air

These streets we named

Will never be the same

This fire, this fire, this fire we let it

This fire, this fire, this fire we let it

This fire, this fire, this fire we let it all burn

I have a tendency to be hopeless towards the future. Not my future, but the future future. All i see is negativity and morality spiralling down. People are caving into sin; people are celebrating sin; people are becoming more and more individualistic; people are challenging authority; people are prideful; people who explicitly claim to know Jesus doesn't even know Him... There are so many things for us to stand up for and there are so many things against us and yet Christians are the minority in this world. There are so many spiritual wars going on and yet we are to be meek, getting slapped and trampled over and over again. Its not just about "me". When you have a deep relationship with Christ, you'll start to catch His heartbeat for people and sometimes it is really painful to see what He sees, to feel what He feels.

Here's a honest thought: There are times i wished i was dead. I am not suicidal. I just cant be bothered with the world anymore - i just want to be with Jesus. But i am still alive. And there is a reason why this world is still functioning even though it is so lost already.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

Sighpie.

There's one theory i've learnt in class called the Spectacle Society (refer to previous post's photo). It basically refers to how the world is increasingly taking what is real based on what is projected. Images can be easily manipulated but we still choose to be taken in by it. One example would be Instragram. We only see pretty photos and think that xxx has a perfect life. But we do not see the behind the scenes - how long he/she took to take a photo or even how much he/she has to work in order to afford a certain luxury. We dont think of all that because we dont see it. We only take reality as what is projected to us.

And i think that is so true. There is an idiom in Chinese that goes “好事不出门，坏事传千里”。It translates into good news never step out of the house while bad news travel thousand miles. An article about a demonstration/ virus outbreak / animal abuse (not even in Singapore) will garner more attention rather than say How To Honour Your Parents. I scroll through my Facebook feed and i find more negative news report than positive ones. People are also slamming Christianity. Everything floods and overwhelms me. It affects my outlook on reality. But as i am typing this, crusades are being held; thousands of people are dedicating their lives to Christ; people are standing up for their faith; people are being called out by God to be fisher of men. The only difference is that these news do not travel far and wide. I now understand the power of testimony. Truly, testimonies can save lives and give hope. 

The Bible promised us that we are indeed living in a fallen world and yes our fight is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities. But the Bible also said for us to have hope. For we trust in a living, resurrected God who has already beaten death and claimed victory forevermore.

So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O Death, where is your sting?
          O Hades, where is your victory?”
The sting of death is sin, and khe strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

I pray that even when i do not see it, i know that His hands are moving.

This is His kingdom, His power, His glory, forever amen.

A crusade with a caption: "People say if God exists then why is He blind to the sick and poor? I say where are they when God is healing and manifesting upon them?"

Hallelujah, You have overcome

Matthew 27:28-29
They stripped Him and put a scarlet robe on Him. And after twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on His head, and a reed in His right hand; and they knelt down before Him and mocked Him, saying, "Hail, King of the Jews!" 

The Roman soldiers who ridiculed Jesus by placing a crown of thorns on Him thought they had the final laugh. Little did they know that they had placed a crown of victory upon the rest of humanity. For though Jesus suffered for a time beneath the curse by laying down His life for His sheep, He overthrew death and was crowned with glory. And all who call upon the name of Jesus live in the same victory forevermore.

At the cross the work was finished, You were buried in the ground.
But the grave could not contain You for You wear the Victor's crown.

W A N D E R L U S T ; Bali

D A Y  1

Day 1 consists of waking up early in the morning, many time adjustments to our departure flight, finally checking into hotel, eating Balinese food for the first time (SO GOOD) and exploring the streets near the hotel.

D A Y  2
Headed to do sports activities in the morning. Me and my mom realised that Bali and Singapore do NOT have any time difference! Who knew that although Jakarta and Bali are in Indonesia, they are actually 1 hour apart? Whaaaat?

We took a speedboat to the deeper part of the ocean. We went all the way to the deep blue part of the ocean (i could literally see the colour difference) where the waves are huge. Descended 10m and the pressure on my ears was no joke. It was extremely uncomfortable but once you're down everything is much better. I have pictures underwater but im really lazy to retrieve it as they are burnt into a CD instead of being stored inside my phone. Besides, photos and visuals cannot fully express the experience of being under the sea yourself so im not going to bother.

Parasailing and Seawalker were done in a small, and perhaps private, beach. I was unsatisfied with the view because i wanted to relax, suntan and read my book in a big, beautiful beach. And so, after our water sports, we headed to Kuta beach where it is indeed impressive. But before we sink our feet into the sand, we had to have lunch first. My mom insisted on eating BBQ pork under the recommendation of her friend. We prowled the nearby streets of Kuta beach and we did find pork ribs but it wasnt really very nice. I think her friend went to a different part of Bali so... The most expensive meal we ate in Bali turned out to be the least desirable one.

And finally, we headed to Kuta beach. The seabed is freaking long. I walked and walked and yet the waves were only at my chest level! I was enjoying myself so much admiring the beautiful waves until... 5 minutes later. I SWEAR THE STREET PEDDLERS WERE SO ANNOYING. The beach was completely lined up with peddlers, i am not even joking. The entire stretch of beach!!! And they will come down to the sandy area and pester you to buy something from them. One tried to sell me sarong, the other kept asking me take up surfing lessons and yet another bugged me to buy a drink. All i wanted was to sit down and read my book by the beach but eventually i left before i could take out my book. The whole experience was ruined just like that and i was in an extremely crappy mood for the rest of the day. So we retreated back early and walked around the streets near our hotel.

D A Y  3

Our first stop in the tour was rice terraces. We took a nearly 2 hour ride just to get there. Thank God i engaged a tour guide because i have no idea how to travel around Bali. If you are good with maps and motorbikes, however, you can try to explore Bali yourself. I saw a lot of caucasians travelling with their bikes.


I told Agung that my mom would like to try BBQ pork (after sneakily sounding out that he's not a Muslim haha) because i was unwilling to give up with just eating the weird tasting pork the day before. He seemed a little perplexed which thereby confirmed that the famous BBQ pork is not found in the southern part of Bali. So we told him that chicken would do just fine. He brought us (another 1 hour plus journey!) to this restaurant with a scenic view and i felt like i was in Genting because of the slight mist and damp atmosphere since we were near mountains. And GUYS! The food was sooooo delicious. We ordered this steamed chicken which was supposedly an authentic and traditional Bali dish (the name was too long for me to remember, cries) and grilled duck. My saliva is dripping just by thinking of it. Having withdrawal symptoms from delicious Balinese food.

So we went to this fruit and vegetable market which was nearby, thank God. Nothing much to say about it but you can just bulk buy tidbits and souvenirs back for your family and friends. Headed over to a temple which is built near a HUGE lake. Their temple layouts are very different from Singapore, which are much smaller in scale. Their temples can stretch across a huge piece of land and there are always more grass patches than cement tiles. This particular temple was having a ritual that day and i saw this woman grabbed a small black chick and sliced its head off with a knife. Uhhh... i dont even know how to describe the mixed feelings i was feeling back then - and even now as i am thinking about it. It tastes a lot like shock, fear, disgust, sadness, perplexity all rolled together.

Ok, this has got to be the highlight of the day. We took another 1 hour ride to Tanah Lot Temple which overlooks the Indiana ocean. I was so entranced by the ocean. The scenery was extremely breath taking and i was in awe. Brave by Bethel came to my mind. The lyrics go "As Your love, in wave after wave, crashes over me". My concept of waves has always been "calm" because that is how most people will describe the beaches in Singapore. But the waves i witnessed that day were grand, strong, majestic. I actually went down to the shoreline and when the waves rushed in, they came with much force. It was there and then i fully understand the extent of the meaning behind the lyrics.

It was already 8pm by the time we reached back to the hotel and we were starting to feel a hole in our pockets. So we decided to eat some cheap food that we saw on the street we passed by the first day. Never underestimated cheap, local, street food! Dayummm. And it only cost SGD6 for 2 people! The cheapest meal we had in Bali, excluding instant noodles haha.

D A Y  4

The last day of our trip. It was pretty much a relaxing day. Did a Balinese massage where you had to strip everything except your panties. I was thrown back to a conversation between me and my friends where we were discussing going Korea together and one of them said that the people walk around naked in the sauna and shower together in a public bath (segregated into genders of course) while discussing their bodies openly. And i was like, "I'm so gonna do that!" and all of my friends replied that i can go there myself.

Had BBQ ribs again because me and my mom obstinately refused to give up. I ordered BBQ pork ribs while she ordered pork ribs with young papaya. SO GOOD. Who knew papaya and pork ribs could be so tasty together?

To sum up:

I like the fact that Bali is a really beautiful place with distinct architecture. I remember being surprised when i stepped out of the airport because it is so different from the modernistic design that i was used to seeing in Singapore and most other countries. Bali is a careful balance between traditional and modernity, be it architecture or food. You can find Balinese cuisine but you can be assured there will be familiar western (and sometimes Japanese) food to fall back on. And also, everything is considered cheap after converting SGD over to Rupiah haha. The hotel i stayed in was pretty awesome. Their services are great and the staff are freaking friendly! The location is not too bad either. Its only SGD90 cents away from Kuta beach (though i would advice to stay away from it unless you plan to surf) and 10 minutes away from nearby shops. It is also a 15-20 minutes to Giant if you'd like to buy groceries haha.

What i did not appreciate was the slow service. Singapore has spoilt me with its efficiency. I've taken it for granted and i found myself drumming my fingers on the table or looking listlessly around while waiting for the food to come. But i guess it couldnt be help. What i did not like most was the fact that the most people i've came across in Bali seemed like money grubbers and they are not afraid to show it :( I feel like a piece of fatty meat dangling in the middle of a hungry crowd. I dont know about you but that's not a nice feeling in my opinion.

Btw, i used Govoyagin.com to arrange and book all my activities in Bali.