INTO THE WATERS

I got baptised on the 13th of April, just before I entered university. Rachie's last minute baptism last sat reminded me of mine and so I thought of doing a full account of my story now that I've left uni. A full 4 years with Christ yo! And also because the baptism post that I've linked on my profile is crap. Time for a change.

I remember getting into arguments with my leader. He, for the good of my sake, wanted me to be baptised. I refused. I had seen too many fallen away from the faith despite proclaiming to the public that Jesus was their saviour. Then what's the point of the declaration? I always liken baptism to marriage. What is the point of getting married if you were not serious about your partner, about the lifelong commitment?

I didn't want that. I wanted to make my own decision and not be pressurised by leaders or friends to do so. And so I refused. I told my leader, the more he pressurised me, the more I will not go for it.

You have a rebellious spirit, he said.

I rolled my eyes.

Then somewhere along the line, I decided on my own terms that I truly wanted to follow Christ for life, and perhaps even unto death (martyrdom). I don't know what happened along the way. My faith journey was a natural progression; there was no exceptional defining moment. Anyhow, I was sure Christ was the one true God and that he is deserving of my adoration and devotion. The only obstacle left was my mother.

My mom had never been fully accepting of my faith (though it has gotten better over the past years). When I mentioned that I wanted to get baptised, she was adamant on saying no.

I wasn't angry. I understood her concerns and tried to address them. I even wrote her a letter after our conversation to explain my decision and made it clear that even if it wasn't now, i would eventually be baptised anyway. I had no doubt about it.

But I was devastated. I really, really, really wanted to go for baptism. I even chose my baptism name in faith. My leader told me that I should hold God's command above my parents. I know that full well. But I wanted to honour my parents too. And so I prayed for a sign. If you give me this sign, God, I will go for baptism even if my parents refuse me to. I prayed and prayed and prayed. To no avail. I remember sitting at the front of the auditorium (my mentee was getting baptised) on that fateful day, worshipping and crying out to God, "why?"

And with one final ounce of faith, I told God if the song 10,000 Reasons played, I would take it as a sign and go (I chose the song because i love the final verse and it was my fantasy to be able to be baptised with that song playing LOL).

I waited and waited. I don't remember what songs we sang for worship that day but 10,000 Reasons was not part of it.

Soon, it was time for my mentee to be baptised. I held on to her belongings and cheered for her as I stood in the first row, trying to capture every moment. On hindsight, I probably should have let someone else film it because it was right before she submerged into the waters that 10,000 Reasons started to play. I started to freak out.

"Omg omg omg!! Where is HY?? I need to get water baptised! NOW!!!"

What happened after that was a flurry of mad rush. I had to get myself registered, grabbed the set of clothes they provided, change into it and walk back into the auditorium. In all honesty, I can't even remember what went on when I was standing in the tank. I don't even know if there were friends besides my mentor who was there to witness my baptism. It was so hectic that I left my shoes beside the tank after I climbed out of it and did not realised it until I was in the changing room. By the time I finished and went back into the auditorium to redeem my shoes, everyone was gone.

There was no crowd cheering for me; no friend to welcome me. I received no cards, no flowers and my makeup was smudged. My baptism was no pretty scene. All it was, was a wild euphoria and then, everything was over.

Despite all that, I felt... free. I kept holding back my decision to go under the waters of baptism despite my desire to. And when God gave the green light, it was like He released me from a bondage. And when you are freed from your captivity, what do you do? You run. You run as fast as possible. Everything is a motion of blur except the road ahead of you and you just dash towards it without thinking about anything. The sense of release, the release of endorphins...

I think one of the biggest (dare I say this?) regret I have with regards to my baptism was that my family was not present to witness it. But I've learnt that some things are not meant to be. And some stories are not mine to tell.

As for the name, well, I first came across Apostle Paul in the bible when he was stoning Stephen in Acts (back then he was known as Saul)

When the members of the Sanhedrin heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.”   

At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their coats at the feet of a young man named Saul.  

While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.  

And Saul approved of their killing him.
(Acts 7:54 - 8:1)

I literally LOL-ed when I read that sentence because who does this guy thinks he is? Giving approval to someone's death as though he's king. His sheer arrogance made me laugh. And while the bible consists a lot of funny and sarcastic phrases this was the first time I burst out laughing. It was also the first time I was really interested in a character from the bible. I began to take notice of this man and realised his life transformation was amazing. His life and his faith really wowed me. This is a man who means everything he says and he practices what he preaches. And come on guys, he really does say all the darnest things.

My friend tried to propose other names with similar meaning or backstory like Hannah or Stephanie but I insisted on Paul. The reason why I didn't choose a feminine version of Paul was because it didn't feel right. I can't imagine someone calling me Paula or Pauline (eeek) and I really wanted to retain the original name. So Paul it was.

I was also desperately attempting to make my baptism name sound more feminine with a second name and so I went on a hunt. While searching, my friend told me about Asher (which I don't understand why he even recommended me this because it totally doesn't sound feminine at all).

Asher is one of the 12 tribes of Israel and he received extremely great blessings from Moses and Jacob. Literally this guy is going to be rich.

But I didn't choose the name for that. What eventually made me settle for Asher was the last verse.

Blessed is Asher with children. May he be pleasing to his brothers and dip his foot in oil. Iron and copper are from your shoes and as your days so is your strength.
Deuteronomy 33:24-25

In many areas of our lives, the longer we do a certain thing, the easier it is for us to be jaded. You get weary, bored or complacent. But for Asher, his blessing was that his strength would match the number of his days. While it seems like a description of physical strength, I interpreted and claimed it for my spiritual strength - I don't want to be wear out as I mature as a Christian. I want my fervour to grow and at the end of my life, be able to look back and say "I chased God with all my heart, soul, strength and mind".

That is also the reason why I chose 10,000 reasons as the sign.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10, 000 Years and then forever more

Oh yes, afraid that the sign was a fluke, I perk my ears at every baptism service trying to see if 10,000 reasons is a standard song they play. It's been 4 years since then. I have not heard it in a baptism service. God, you're truly good :')

And yup that is my baptism story. God has been faithful for the past 4 years and I'm excited to journey with Him for the next part of my life! 🙌