主耶稣我爱你

Ever since the early days of Christian walk, learning to love my family (esp my mom) has been my struggle. You'd think it is only natural to love your mom but I could never display the same amount of affection as i have towards my grandma towards my mom. Part of it is because of family culture and the other part is because we are complete opposites - and i dont mean in a complimentary manner. I really cannot stand my mother's personality. If we were not a family, i dont think i would ever associate myself with her. She is literally a walking bomb that will trigger me to flare up anytime, anywhere.

I knew this was a problem since my poly days. I struggled very hard because i knew what a Christian should be like but it is so hard to be a salt and light at home when you are so comfortable that you become lax. I kept praying but to no avail until i entered uni and Pei showed me a teaching from Elevation Church. From then on, that teaching has been listed as my no. 1 teaching that influenced me big time (interestingly, i can't find it now and i dont remember the title!). Rather than just head knowledge, God spoke to me through my heart and subsequently i was able to grow in this area one bit at a time.

It is not always smooth sailing. Case in point, i got into a big fight with my mom a few weeks ago. Even though i apologised to her, i still find it hard to have any positive feelings towards my mom. I sound cold-hearted but who doesn't want to have a close and loving relationship with their mom? If i had a choice, i would also choose not to face this kind of trial in my life because i am equally frustrated and disappointed with myself every time i argue with her.

And here comes the crux of this post. Eric Moo came to our church for a Mother's Day special service in which he shared his experiences of God. Specifically, he testified how God intervened to kick off 3 of his addictions: smoking, drinking and gambling. The climax came when he related to us the back story of the song: 主耶稣我爱你. He told us that he composed the song on a casino cruise because he had shut himself in his room in order to distract himself from the temptation of gambling. I teared up when he was performing the song, i teared up yesterday night as i listened to the song once more and i am now tearing up as i play the song in the background while writing this post because in the midst of feeling beaten down, his story was an encouragement to me.

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主耶稣我感谢你 你照亮了我平凡的生命
主耶稣我爱你 让我每分每秒和你在一起
主耶稣我仰望你 你带我走过每一个脚印
主耶稣我爱你 直到世界的尽头我也愿意
主耶稣我荣耀你 你流尽宝血换我的生命
主耶稣我爱你 如果没有你一切没有意义
主耶稣我荣耀你 你流尽宝血换我的生命
主耶稣我爱你 如果没有你一切没有意义
主耶稣我敬拜你 所有的赞美荣耀都归你
主耶稣我爱你 不会让你白白牺牲了自己
我感谢你 我仰望你 我荣耀你 主我爱你
主耶稣我敬拜你 所有的赞美荣耀都归你
主耶稣我爱你 不会让你白白牺牲了自己

This song that was created in resistance of temptation starts with "主耶稣" in every single sentence. It reminded me 2 things. 1) Jesus should be our focus in face of trial and temptation because he is the only motivation that will last a lifetime. 2) Jesus should be our reason for wanting to strive for a holier standard because he has given us so much. Listening to Eric Moo's testimonies also reminded me of the transforming power of Christ. I can overcome my bad habit of being rude to my mom and not be defined by my family culture or restricted by our differences.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:21-25