❝ If you try to make someone do something, you will crush them with expectations. Not even God does that. People need to decide for themselves what to do, without coercion or shaming or manipulation, or else they’re only doing it to get you quiet. They won’t ever know why, and it will never become a part of them. Making demands is an external apparatus that will chokehold the people you claim to love. But if you truly love them, by listening and investing and sharing and even liking them, this is the only sort of love that will tenderize a heart to seek better for itself. This is true empowerment. ❞

I revisited my forsaken tumblr and saw this quote which i had reblogged two years ago. I don't know what made me notice it back then but i think it is interesting how something i had encountered in the past can speak to the present me.

"Like the mystics, I wanted my soul to fly through the air, powdered with the pollen of the frosty night, dusting the stars with the clouds from my feet."

I went back to SP today. It brought back a lot of memories. The damned hill littered with smokers and clogged with people moving so sluggishly every morning that by the time i reached my class i would have been 15 minutes late; the $1 nuggets that i spammed every single break because it was so cheap; the oversized open study area with gigantic fans... i missed every single bit of it. I really had the time of my life in poly and i never ever regretted choosing poly over jc no matter what people say.

Most of all, i miss the SP kids. I love meeting the SP people because i saw how they were when they first came in and how brillantly they shine for Jesus now. When i left SP, things were pretty unstable. But everything changed thereafter. The kids now lap up God's word like nobody business. They pray, they fast, they intensely study the Bible, they bravely share their faith, they are in tuned with the spiritual realm. They don't obey God - they yield to Him. I am ashamed of myself but i am always proud and happy to see them so passionate.

I have been so caught up with work that i had forgotten my true source of joy and my ultimate destination. I want to set my sights on things unseen, things so far in future that nobody has heard or even seen before. Results, tests, homework all seem so minute in comparison to eternity (not that they are unimportant).

Lord, i pray this prayer today. Let me know Your heart and fulfil the calling that You've set me on. Prune me, and bring me to greater spiritual heights. I don't want to walk in the physical realm. I want to walk in the spiritual realm. Make my heart complete and let me dwell in Your midst. May Your presence be my joy now and forever. Amen and amen.

Things i'll like to commit myself to:
1. Prayer and intercession
2. Bible study
3. Worship

I am going to learn to love spending time with God. I don't know how. But i will.

God is with us now

“I could never myself believe in God, if it were not for the cross. The only God I believe in is the One Nietzsche ridiculed as 'God on the cross.' In the real world of pain, how could one worship a God who was immune to it? I have entered many Buddhist temples in different Asian countries and stood respectfully before the statue of the Buddha, his legs crossed, arms folded, eyes closed, the ghost of a smile playing round his mouth, a remote look on his face, detached from the agonies of the world. But each time after a while I have had to turn away. And in imagination I have turned instead to that lonely, twisted, tortured figure on the cross, nails through hands and feet, back lacerated, limbs wrenched, brow bleeding from thorn-pricks, mouth dry and intolerably thirsty, plunged in Godforsaken darkness. That is the God for me! He laid aside his immunity to pain. He entered our world of flesh and blood, tears and death. He suffered for us. Our sufferings become more manageable in the light of his. There is still a question mark against human suffering, but over it we boldly stamp another mark, the cross that symbolizes divine suffering. 'The cross of Christ ... is God’s only self-justification in such a world” as ours....' 'The other gods were strong; but thou wast weak; they rode, but thou didst stumble to a throne; But to our wounds only God’s wounds can speak, And not a god has wounds, but thou alone.”

עִמָּנוּאֵל. 

"In a world that really has been turned on its head, truth is a moment of falsehood."

my current desktop wallpaper

Here are some things i've been enjoying this week:

Budapest - George Erza
The District Sleeps Tonight - Birdy
Every Little Thing She Does - Sleeping At Last
Sleeping early. I've been sleeping at around 10pm recently and it feels gooooood.

I remember talking to a senior majoring in Sociology. He told me how glad he was that his girlfriend was studying the same course as him because you will find it hard to talk to others about what you've learnt. And i can see how that is true now. Not all sociologists are critical thinkers though. Some just parrot what the professors impart without thinking and act as though they are enlightened. Its not about right and wrong!! Its about being critical! I am so irritated. You talk too much and think too little. Like urgh, get your obnoxiousness out of my face please.

I have a class with this Professor who does not have any slides. He simply stand in front and talk for 2 hours. Its amazing and im saying this sincerely, not sarcastically. His ideas flow here and there and he conjures examples spontaneously. His mind works in the speed of a bullet train and im absolutely smitten. I like the way he dresses, the way he speaks, the way he thinks and its really weird to say all these because he is twice the age of me (and probably even more).

Anyway, i love it! I love it, i love it, i love it. That, to me, is how education and knowledge should look like. An exchange of ideas; a sharpening of minds; a meeting of souls. Not some rigid education strictly based on rights and wrongs. The number 1 question i get asked most is, "What jobs can Sociologists work as?" Does it really matter that much? I dont care. If i have the choice (and i do), i am not going to torture myself by chasing after things that do not even matter to me.

One Professor asked me why i wanted to study Sociology during the admission interview. I told her, "I think it is important to know what we believe and why we believe because it shapes our actions and who we are."

If i gain all the wisdom in the world and yet have no idea of who i am at the end of the day, what's the use?

The world needs a lot more critical thinkers.

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Shirt Dress - H&M / Hamlet Leggings - Blackmilk / Sunglasses - Found (as in literally someone lost it and i found it)

Do darkness get attracted to what is of light?

What if the light one day dies?

What happens then?

It ain't over

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.

Radical

"This is why you don’t have religions based on historic events. They are all, with the exception of Christianity, based on private encounters which cannot be falsified or subjective ideas which are beyond inquiry. The amazing thing about Christianity is that there is so much historic data to be tested. Christianity is, by far, the most falsifiable worldview there is. Yet, despite this, Christianity flourished in the first century among the very people who could test its claims. And even today, it calls on us to “come and see” if the claims are true. The only reason why I can say Christianity survived in the midst of such historic volatility is because it is true. And this is exactly what I would expect if there were an all-powerful God who created and loves this world. When he intervenes, he makes a significant enough footprint that historic inquiry is demanded. Think about that next time you are critiquing the Christian faith. The only reason you can is because it is the only religion that has opened itself up to such critique. Simply put, Christianity is the most falsifiable religion there is and yet it has survived. Why?"

Sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side

I am not a fan of western shows because they come in seasons. And i hate the feeling of waiting tirelessly for a new season only to have a short enjoyment before it all ends and the cycle repeats.

I just finished 3 seasons of Sherlock.
What am i supposed to do with life now???

Life... sucks?

“Your life is not an episode of ‘Skins.’ Things will never look quite as good as they do in a faded, sun-drenched Polaroid; your days are not an editorial from ‘Lula.’ Your life is not a Sofia Coppola movie, or a Chuck Palahniuk novel, or a Charles Bukowski poem. Grace Coddington isn’t your creative director. Bon Iver and Joy Division don’t play softly in the background at appropriate moments. Your hysterical teenage diary isn’t a work of art. Your room probably isn’t Selby material. Your life isn’t a Tumblr screencap. Every word that comes out of your mouth will not be beautiful and poignant, infinitely quotable. Your pain will not be pretty. Crying till you vomit is always shit. You cannot romanticize hurt. Or sadness. Or loneliness. You will have homework, and hangovers and bad hair days. The train being late won’t lead to any fateful encounters; it will make you late. Sometimes your work will suck. Sometimes you will suck. Far too often, everything will suck—and not in a Wes Anderson kind of way. We will experience the full spectrum—and that sometimes, just sometimes, life will feel like a Coppola film.”

A heartache of some sort

"Here, it never snowed here. Afterwards it did."

Alone.

The past 3 weeks:

"There's a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to exert myself and really say, oh God, I've got to see my friends 'cause I'm too content being by myself."

School's starting tomorrow and all i can think of is Drew Barrymore's quote.

#SupportCher

'I must get at least ten tweets a day saying I'm a dirty pikey. I think they know it's going to get to me, or because they know they can.... There have been many times when I've cried myself to sleep. I'm very scared because I like to think people think I'm strong, because if they don't, then they might not think I can do it... Some days I wish that people would leave me alone for a bit and for there to be a hole to suck me in.'

I just read that during V Festival (which happened a few mintues ago), Cher Lloyd got booed, assaulted with bottles of pee and got hurled with insults from the crowd. It was so bad that she had to leave the stage and some spotted her crying backstage. But being Cher that i know and love, she came back to stage after awhile and continued performing.

I know that the UK has never liked Cher Lloyd since the X-Factors days. There were #HateCher trending on Twitter and such. But that is like how many years ago? And even if you don't like someone or their music style, you dont throw bottles of pee at them! That is simply disgusting, low class and inhumane. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. Some people online actually found it funny and said that the crowd was perfectly entitled to do that. WHUT?!?!?!?!

I dont support being obsessed with idols simply because i think that is stupid. Which is why you dont see me going crazy over a celebrity. But Cher Lloyd is someone that I have always admired. If you notice my tumblr tags, Cher Lloyd is the only celebrity that i tag 'idol'. Not just because she is an extremely good singer, not just because she is very pretty, not just because she has a cute personality. But because she is strong, she stands up for herself and she always puts in her best. Definitely someone worthy being a role model.

This is one video that best shows off her talent, beauty, personality and strength. She is so nice towards her fans and so, so honest. She even gave a special mention and thanked her guitarist at the end! If you watch till 9:27 where they had an question and answer segment, the radio station asked some rude questions. Unlike most celebrities who would give diplomatic answers or swat the questions away, Cher actually "lectured" the host. Hahaha awesome (Y)



After the V Festival event, I have never been prouder of her.

#SupportCher

my idol

Here's a little treat for you guys cause i havent been updating much.

"It's kinda strange cause i always think to myself, would these people be big enough and strong enough to come up to me and say those hurtful things?"

She is so cool and i really look up to her even though she is my age. People hate her cause she looks different (bitchy on X-Factor, which i blame it on her eyebrows), sounds different and acts differently. There was even a hate trend about her on twitter. But she has attitude and i love her for it. No matter what people say about her, she just stay true to herself. And she has so so so much talent. I dont like a lot of her album songs because it was not her style (her company chose the songs) but her X-Factor performances were stunning. Superhero is one of her album songs that i really liked.

Omg she is really a chamelon. She looks so different with each new hairstyle.

oaidnkajbsfuieh. Love her so much.

The adventures of Siqi

Have been going out a lot after school recently. I cant remember what i did last week but i know i hung out with my poly friends a lot. This is why i need a blog. My memory is very poor. Cant even remember what i ate yesterday ):

HAHAHA LIES. Cause yesterday we went to (??? forgot the name of the cafe haha) to celebrate Shafeeqah's belated birthday. 

Yum yum! I had chocolate brown cake, Shafeeqah had carrot cake and at the faaaaaar end of the picture is gaya's red velvet.

*inserts cheeguan smile.

The red velvet is certainly good. It was better than One Caramel's.

Still, my favourite cake shop is at Beach Road. Lovely cakes and teas (Y) I forgot the shop's name hahahaha. I even lost their name card. Which btw, why do i always lose name cards ah? But never mind, I can always ask YH to bring me back there lol.

And a very interesting pot of tea. Vanilla Creme Tea. It is sour and i love sour stuff. (Y)

~*~

Today, i went on a mini spontaneous adventure with Reynard and Cyril. I met them up for interviews. Initially, Cyril had driving lessons but it was cancelled. So he decided to explore this abandoned railway tracks near SP cause he is going back there on Sunday to have a photoshoot. 

And somehow, we were all free and were up for an adventure thus the 3 of us began our escapade.

Actually, this part of the tracks were sealed off. There was even a warning sign by the goverment but erm. Nobody actually cares. So we climbed over (Ok, more like go under the hole between the barrier and the tracks.) The railway was abandoned for 20 years already and some of the wooden planks were missing. The metal planks (at the side) looked dubious too. 

Shouldnt have worn a skirt lor! But lucky got FBT so not that bad.

Reynard was scared to climb over the barrier with us so it was only me and Cyril initially. We walked to the middle of the tracks and I sat down on the wooden blocks (picture above!) and there were missing blocks and i could see the field below so i asked Reynard to stand below us. See the weird thing on the bottom right of the picture? My legs HAHAHAHA.

Anyway, we convinced Reynard to join us in the end! We sat down on the middle of the tracks for a while and talked about random stuff. And  i looked very cui ): Lucky its instagram and i am quite photogenic (No, really. Most of the time people say im pretty is when they see pictures/webcam of me. I dont look that nice irl). My pimply face, my dark circles and my messy hair. Speaking of my hair, (*&@!# My fringe has been a bitch for the past week. I want to grow it long but every single time i try, it just refuse to co-operate. Omg, so irritating!!! Am i bound to short fringe for the rest of my life? T_T 

Ok... anyw i wasnt even wearing make up. Thank God i didnt. I was sweating from the mini basketball session prior to climbing the tracks. Not bad leh. Still can shoot after like 7-8 years. LOL.

Cyril has good photography skills. In fact, all these pictures were "koped" from his instagram hahahahaha! So cool right? And yeah, like i said, we stopped in the middle of the tracks because the next half had the river below us. The first half was alright because it was just a field and if we fall, we'll probably sprained ourselves only. But the river...

Fear was apt for this situation.

But i am quite the risk taker/ dare devil. I wanted to go over to the other side. Cyril went first and he said it was safe enough. So i followed after. The gaps between the wooden blocks was quite big so we stepped on the metal planks instead. It was not as safe because when i stepped onto some of the planks, i could feel is sinking slightly D: 

But we made it! See the left side? The whole white thingy is the barrier. We went under the handrail, pivoted ourselves on a slope and grabbed a nearby tree for support before reaching the other side of the sealed off area.

And it was just more tracks lor. Cause its quite long la and the goverment only fenced off the part of the tracks that were high above ground for safety precautions.



We (me and Cyril only cause Reynard was afraid of heights and half of the tracks was all he could courageously bear) found a part of an egg carton on the tracks lol.

And yeah, that was pretty much the end of the journey. When we walked back the railway, it wasnt as scary anymore. Hahaha.

I was quite tired after that. But i think it was worth it. Wasn't there a quote that goes, "A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life."? Even though i dont like to go under the sun, i think that life should always be spontaneous and interwoven with risks. How else would it be fun? You only live once. It'd be a waste if you're always bound by fear (:

your promises, they look like lies

Jade Palace Lock Heart really sucks. I didnt survive 2 episodes. So, im back to Modern Family and Drake and Josh. Oh, and Tree With Deep Roots but that's not very addictive.

Really want to watch some China tv show ): I know a lot of people hate China's shows because of their accent but i swear, they have good dramas at times! Plus, i like to watch period dramas and China is good at period drama because they accurately phrase the dialogues to how Chinese used to speak like. Though sometimes they talk in poems and i cant understand a single word, i just like to listen how different Chinese speaks now and then.

English seriously cannot be compared to Mandarin. I may dislike Mandarin but it is such a beautiful language. 4 characters can tell a story and 4 characters can mean a lot of things whereas in English you have a long sentence just to convey one thought. And whenever i listen to Mandarin songs with English subtitles on Youtube, i cant help but to cringe. The translation is correct but the deeper meaning is lost. English can never capture the essence and beauty of Mandarin.

I wish i were good at Mandarin. Then i can write poems with profound meanings.

等夏天等秋天
等下個季節
要等到月亮變全
你才會回到我身邊

要不要再見面
沒辦法還是想念
突然想看你的臉
熟悉的感覺

不 牽手也可以漫步風霜雨雪
不 能相見也要朝思暮念

只想讓你知道
我真的很好
愛一生 戀一世
我也會等你到老

只想讓你知道
放不下也忘不掉
你的笑 你的好
是我溫暖的依靠

Ok la, the above is not a poem. Its a song from BBJX, hahaha. But Mandarin songs usually are a quite poetic anyway.
Since this post so wordy and i bet no one bothered to read, i shall post one old picture then.

mmmhhmm, pouty lips. Who can resist?

Safe in my cocoon, i observe the outside world.

Its ugly.

But what's ugly is not the world.

Its humans themselves.