There must be something in the water

A few days back, i took a trip down to church office to bless and surprise Sab. She was touched by my gesture but i didn't think too much about it. It was only yesterday that i realised one year ago - exactly one year ago - i had hated to even take out time to spend with someone.

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Obviously it was an intense and dire situation last May that I had to use my blog as an outlet so frequently in that short frame of time. Truly loving someone was such a sacrifice for me. I wanted to be in solitude but i always had friends to meet, people to care for. I loved in my own way (which was not much to begin with), and it never seemed enough. People were always demanding more and more of me. More time, more love, more care, more concern... I was suffocating.

It continued for quite some time. But God showed me the way eventually. Having to love people was not the root problem, placing myself above others was. If human's love has a capacity, then I was loving myself so much that there was no room left in my heart for others.

This holiday I am yet again extremely busy with even more people to meet. Work/task does not daunt me. Being physically present with people for an extended period of time does. If it were me a year ago, I would have been on the brink of madness, crying myself to sleep every night. But thank God I've grown in this area, that He made me go through what i went through. Without the ordeal last year, i would feel even more choked now that i have to lead a group. An old friend texted me upon knowing i was a LGL now that my heart will be stretched so much that i didn't know i could love so many people.

Lol. *gulps*

Sometimes i wonder how much of church is structural planning and how much of it really is the flow and work of the HS when everything seems so... structured. But this entire incident really showed me how God can move even through man's plans and that He really goes before us. He knows exactly what we lack and what we need and is leading us. He is always preparing us for greater purposes ahead even if we do not know it.

I am not trying to boast about my own capabilities here (in fact it was Tricia who initiated to bless the LG and I was caught by surprise because I didn't even think that far) nor am i trying to boast that i was destined to be a leader (though it is interesting why the position of a church leader is even highly desired - i'll do a blog post about this another time). But if I have to boast, then I will boast of my own weaknesses for it is through them God is glorified. This time last year I was fighting a battle with myself. If it weren't for Him, I would never bother changing. Who would when you have to go through such internal turmoil? But I love the person He has made me become - or rather, the person He has created me to be (though i am still a work in progress).

All these thoughts came to me while i was lying on bed last night. This week has not been just a reflection, but also a realisation that I am (once again) a changed person. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude because God would even bother with a wretch like me.