Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, Let me be singing when the evening comes

Life never ever goes the way you plan it.

I've always imagined my water baptism to be something grand and perfect. I would change into a beautiful white dress, have myself a bouquet of flowers and a ring. I would prepare all these because the groom in the case is not physically able to. I would perfect my makeup in the toilet. And as i walk down the stairs towards my friends, 10 000 Reasons will be playing in the background. My friends will welcome me with congratulations and warm smiles.

Who knew that it turned out to be a shotgun marriage? I didnt have any beautiful white dress nor flowers nor any ring. I had to hastily put on concealer and lipstick for those were the only two products i brought. Worse still, my eyes probably resembled a raccoon after baptism because everything that happened was not part of my calculation and i had to put on eyeshadow of all days. My eyes were red from all the crying. I had to run down the stairs because i had forgotten about my shoes and there was no one to welcome me because everyone had left church.

Still i was happy with my decision. I had prepared my heart for months only to regretfully give it all up and be disappointed. At the very last moment, God said, "go" and i felt all the emotions rushing out of me. It was like someone binded you so tightly for the longest period of time and you could not escape no matter how much you wanted and tried to. At that moment when you have completely given up, you are suddenly set free and all you could do is to run. Blindly, speedily, haphazardly. You have no time to stop to catch your breath; everything goes by in a blur. But the exhilaration - the exhilaration is the one thing that your brain can register in the midst of a hurricane.

I was baptised into Paul Asher on the 13th April 2013. Having lived by the name of Siqi for nearly 2 decades, i simply cant think of any name that suits me. Paul Asher was the closest any name can get. Paul - because he is one character that i knew was different from the rest the very first moment i read about him. And as i continued to discover more about him, there was no doubt that he was more than worthy of my admiration and respect. To call myself Pauline/Paula/whatever female version of Paul is weird. It is too girly for me and it doesnt seem right to not have the original name, you know? Asher - because out of the hundred names that Hanyang suggested (Stephanie? Gwen? Hanna? SERIOUSLY?) it was the only one that spoke to me due to the blessings the person had.

I dont know how to end this so i shall put a photo of myself, taken when i about to board the plane to Bangkok. Havent had the momentum of blogging recently but hopefully i will blog about my trip before my brain washes the memories away.

Bye!