GOING SOLO

Many years ago, I came across this Taiwanese commercial about a stay-at-home wife and a always-not-at-home husband. Soon, the wife began to suspect that all those late nights her husband was pulling weren’t for work at all. She began to suspect that her husband was cheating on her.

One day, someone mis-texted the husband to ask where was he. The husband was by himself in the car... simply waiting.

Later on he revealed: “上班要当员工，下班要当老公，有是想当当自己。”
(I’m an employee at work and a husband after work. Sometimes I just want to be myself.)

Quite a few people have been asking me why I decided to go on a solo trip.

“Cause I needed to clear leave lor.”

Also because I’ve never been on a solo trip and I wanted to be by myself.

I didn’t think it was a big deal, but the more people asked, the more I realised that they weren’t questioning why I went on a holiday - if I had gone with a bunch of people, nobody would have cared - but the reason why I chose to go alone.

Why would anyone choose to go alone when they can choose to go with friends?

Here’s what I think: I think so much of our identity is tied to what others think and say of us, to the things we have in life, to the different roles we play - and we may not even know it.

Ervin Goffman says that the world is our stage and that we wear many masks in life. How I act in front of my parents is different from how I act on front of friends and it’s different from how I act in front of my boss.

This is not being two-faced; just that different roles require us to act differently. Can you imagine behaving the same way in front of your colleagues as you’d behave in front of your lover? It’s not about being fake because they are all you - just in different situations.

Goffman also proposes that the only time when you’re fully you is when you’re by yourself. Because then, you have no more roles to play, no more masks to put on. This is who you are.

Perhaps going on the solo trip signals to others that I'm lonely or that I am going through a rough patch – as some have asked me – because these are situations (or props, as Goffman would suggest) commonly associated with choosing to be by yourself.

But for me, I simply wanted to lay down my roles and responsibilities and be myself. I want to wake up, unrestrained by time, unrestrained by people and be free to roam about. I don't want to care what others think or say of me. This is my backstage, away from my daily life, where I can get to be alone.

But most of us are so entwined with the daily roles that we play that it has become our core identity. We cannot imagine getting away from our friends and family. We cannot imagine being alone.

Not that they are wrong or unimportant, but the question is, do we know who we are without all these? Or is our core identity built based on what we do and/or who we are to others?

Because what if my relationship doesn't work out? What if an accident takes away my family? What if everything I have is gone?

Will I still know who I am if without all these?

One day, I’ll lose my family and I’ll lose my dearest ones - I have already lost some of them to death. But God forbid that I would lose myself too.

***

The solo trip is what I’d have done if I were single, without family and without friends.

It has been my escape, but even the word 'escape' isn’t the perfect word choice. Because I’m not escaping anything per se.

This thought came to me while I was watching the sunset in Bangkok one day and saw birds dancing in the sky: "Even birds have a home that they return to at the end of the day."

I have a belonging. I have family, friends and loved ones that I will come back to at the end of the day.

But on some days, I just need to fly out and be (by) myself.