IF YOU'RE NOT DONE WORKING, THEN I'M NOT DONE WAITING

"The thing with Sequoia trees is that the seed needs the harshness of winter to flourish into everything it becomes."

Here's the thing about work: It sucks.

It will suck wherever you are. It sucks even when you work in full-time ministry. And this is why it sucks: Because no matter where you go, it is filled with broken people – both others and yourself.

Sometimes I go to work with a defeated spirit because there are days when reporting for work is like a soldier reporting for duty during a war. There are just so many battles to fight and firefight. Then there are days where I'm just consumed with self-doubts, and old fears and insecurities start showing up. I've written so many articles, what more could I possibly write? Am I going to remain as a writer my whole life? Shouldn't I think about my career prospects?

What am I doing here, God?

I think I'm in a season of being refined, but the wait in the heat is so long that I start to lose sight on why I'm here, and I think to myself maybe it's time to leave.

I know God has been dropping me reminders that I still have a purpose at where I am, but all I can feel is the burn and not the balm. I attended conference asking God for direction when He has already given me signposts. Still I didn't recognise them. And when Monday rolled around and everyone was revived and revving to go work, I was completely dead.

And there I was desperately crying out to God while others were wafting aroma of pleasing thanksgiving to Him. There was nothing I could do except to surrender my pain to Him over and over again. I prayed as I ate my breakfast, prayed as I walked out of the house, prayed as I boarded the bus.

And then suddenly, on the bus ride to work, a lightness broke within me. It was like I was filled with joy and I could positively emit positivity to anyone and everyone. It was a gaiety that came from God, and I was overflowing with it! I didn't have to wait for people to be nice to me – I could be nice to others even when they don't reciprocate! There was just so much joy and love in me.

This lasted for a day and a half before my mood dipped again. And I realised that joy is a daily surrender – a deliberate choice to always surrender our emotions to God.

"God is God right? So He can do whatever He wants at any moment, at any time. He could fulfil His promises just like that. But so often, He takes His time."

This week we celebrate Thir.st's second birthday together. I have been writing stories for over a year and a half now, and many times I felt like a beggar with nothing left to give save the few crumbs. And yet, God has somehow provide me the materials I needed to produce one more article one day at the time. Somehow, God has provided me the love that I needed to show to the people around me even when I had none left.

The drought is real and long. But before He sends the rain – before the season changes – I believe that God will still provide.

1 Kings 17:7-16.