FRIENDSHIPS

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I recently wrote an article about friendship. It’s my personal favourite out of all the pieces I’d composed because I had written it for myself. It wasn’t the easiest to pen - I had to dig into the deepest recesses of my heart to produce that piece. Out came a lot of unanswered questions and hanging conclusions which I’ve once asked myself but swept aside because it had become too hard to face. What does friendship mean? Who are my good friends? Do I even have any good friends? Will they even last? These questions seem fundamental like what primary school kids would think about but I found myself questioning what I really know about friendship for the most part of my university life.

Friendship is one of the most basic relationships between people and yet it is often very profound. Friendship is also one of my biggest struggles.

Growing up, I have always played the role of the 'elder sister'. At home, I was the responsible member of the family. In school, I was known to be fiercely protective of my friends. I am often the listening ear whenever I chat with people. I let them unload their burdens, nod my head empathetically, offer some advice if needed and envelope them into a hug or two. I would even cry with them sometimes.

This settled into an easy rhythm over the years. Take care of others. Minister to others. Disciple others. It seemed so right and so natural that I didn't notice how the way I was relating to people was gradually becoming an unhealthy one-sided relationship.

Many called me a friend but there were few whom I could reciprocate the feelings.

I find it hard to talk about myself or my emotions because I wasn't used to it; I didn't want to open up because I'm afraid of how others would see me. Sometimes, it is hard for me to get along well with girls. I feel as if I don't really fit in and I have difficulty connecting to them on an emotional level.

So I started uni jaded of people. I wanted to keep to myself and stick to my comfort zones. And in a way, I did. I graduated having made about 4 friends outside of church. But I also lost a few friendships along the way. Some fell out, some drifted away. Some turned out to be not as invested in the relationship as I was.

I was hurt, frustrated and disappointed. I became guarded. It’s easy to turn cynical when you get pricked time and time again. Despite being a recluse, God showed me repeatedly the importance of opening up. And somewhere in my heart, I knew I yearned for someone whom I would love and would love me back.

I began praying for a trusted confidante but the person never came… or so I thought. After 4 arduous years, I finally realised why. A relationship can only blossom as much as you’re willing to give in spite of what you can receive. It no longer matter if I have best friends or not. There’s beauty in giving pieces of your heart to people in and of itself.

I’m glad to have graduated from this phase of my life and thankful for the people who have journeyed with me to find the solution I’ve been searching all along. I am the answer to my own question. Friendships all start somewhere and so let it begin with me.