HE TURNS OUR MESS INTO MESSAGE

I don't have a good shot of me speaking so this will have to do haha

I was never exactly an insecure person. But I somehow have this nagging feeling of inadequacy ever since I started working. I don’t know where it came from, to be honest. Maybe because the people around me are really talented. Maybe because I feel like I’m not doing enough creative work. Maybe because I don’t feel safe.

And as insecurities gnawed at me, old fears slowly started to surface. What about my career prospects? Should I start planning a backup plan? Should I go somewhere where I have more opportunities to grow?

I dreaded going to work. Sometimes I feel like I’m going for war. I’m beaten and battered and I don’t find joy. It’s easy to say “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked” when God’s house is a palace filled with happiness. But what if it’s a decrepit shack with a leaky roof and broken pipes? Can I still say the same thing with joy and conviction?

The week before conference, I told my LG that my conference objective is for God to give me a direction. Should I leave? Is it time for me to go elsewhere? But what if the elsewhere doesn’t change my situation?

The world tells us to go out and 闯世界. But God’s Word is always different. He doesn’t call us to be successful; He calls us to be faithful. Will I be ok with playing the second fiddle for the rest of my life? Will I be ok if no one recognises me for the work I’ve done?

So the night before conference, I decided to ask for something different: To revive this dead heart of mine.

And who knew that a few weeks later, I would get the opportunity to preach because of my current position?

I don't deny that I feel somewhat validated for being invited to speak outside of my home church, but I thought about it and I realised it doesn't matter to me if this is my first and last time giving a talk. More than the affirmation this opportunity has brought, I understand that this was a sign of confirmation.

I know it isn't a coincidence that this opportunity came after my struggle to stay on. And I know it isn't a coincidence that this opportunity came because of the articles I've written thus far. At the end of the day, me going on stage isn't really about me at all. It's about His faithfulness. And what can I say? Isn't this far more important than any recognition anyone can get?

In a sense, the fruits of this aspect of my life are starting to show after a long and painful wait. But like the last stanza of Seasons by Hillsong, I know still that there's a season to come. And it's ok because I've got a faithful God with me.

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame