back to the beginning

I was on the train this morning and suddenly, i just felt very thankful for my life.

Perhaps it was sparked off by witnessing a boy and his grandpa on the bus. It reminded me of my own (maternal) grandfather and i cant help to get teary.

Me. 19 year old. Crying on the bus.

I was only 7 or 8 when he died and it was my first time feeling grief. I cant remember how i got through the period but i knew that i was still crying myself to sleep, months after he had passed away. I have always felt bad because of how i treated him. Every week i stayed over at his house, i would demand my grandfather to rub my back until i sleep. My grandmother would always offer to take over but i refused. I would scream and yell. I was such a spoilt brat and my grandfather always had to suffer because of me. Yet, he did it without complain. And i never reciprocate or thank him.

I was thinking along this line and i was really touched that i have such a great family. Then, i was reminded of the last time i went to a korean bbq buffet. Me and SH were randomly walking on the street, finding a place for dinner and we just decide to eat buffet. Just like that. We never really thought much about the money. That was when i realised what a comfortable lifestyle i was living. I dont have to stop to think if i can afford to eat buffet, albeit me eating buffets consecutively for the past 4-5 months. And yesterday, i went to USS. I forked out $64 without the help of my parents ($100 if you count in food and misc). It really struck me how lucky i was to enjoy such privileges when there are people starving to death every single day.

And so, i am just very grateful for what i have. Honestly, i could easily be in China, farming my ass off. I was lucky that my paternal grandfather was the eldest of his family and had the foresight to stay in Singapore when WW2 happened instead of migrating back to China with his whole family. Just a small and risky decision changed the entire path of my life.

I still remembered last year i went to visit my relatives in China. And i was asking my relative about her lifestyle. She was only 16 and she knows how to cook pork ribs. She has a strict curfew and her parents hardly let her go out with her friends. Guess what? The only 3 things i know how to cook are rice, eggs and instant noodles. My mom always scold me because i always go out and stay out late. But i never listen to her :/

So, the girl was asking what i was studying and i told her it was a media-related course. She asked me why i chose that course and i told her because i like it. And she immediately replied, "How lucky. I cannot simply study what i want. I need to think of my future,"

I could have been her. This realisation struck me so hard because i am such a liberal person. If you asked me to study something against my will i will probably bang myself against the wall or something.

There are so many things in my life that i am thankful for. And i always reiterate this because its easy to compare and become greedy. We are so affluent nowadays that if we want something, we just need to open our mouths. And i guess it has already become a habit. I think we should always be humble be reminded of what we already have; because what you have is already so much more compared to most people.

And so, i say all these with a gratitude heart.