A!@#$EH)@{(UIR@(!O

I was on the train with Xiuwen, enjoying the silence between us. (Digression: its kind of weird that we actually have silences with one another since we are both so talkative and outspoken). And you know how trains and bathrooms always have this weird factor to make you ponder about your life? A realisation hit me out of nowhere.

"Do you feel that sometimes you are missing out on life?"

Xiuwen nodded her head. We chatted awhile and then i went back into my state of dwelling. I am not living a normal teenager's life. I dont go out, i dont drink, i dont club, i dont hang out with friends. Everyday, i just go home straight after class. Or else i would be stuck doing projects. Scrolling through my facebook's homepage, i can distinctly see the difference between my life and my friends'.

I am not complaining though. Because i chose this myself. I am very picky when it comes to friends. If a group of friends demand too much of my time, i'd rather pat their heads and bid farewell. Which was what i did to my CCA friends :x I decided that it was too tiring to even try to keep up so i just mysteriously disappeared lol.

I love the comfort of my own home. I like my own solitary. The moment i stepped into my house, i cut off all connections to the outside world. My handphone is thrown aside, neglected, as i bestowed my precious attention on my laptop. I dont sign onto skype and/or msn (its been over 2 years now *proud achievement) and i dont keep my facebook tab open. I dont like when people chat with me online because i want to watch my shows and they just gabber on non-stop. In fact, i just dont like communicating online. I feel like its stripping the essence of face to face talks - but that's another story.

Teenagers like to hang out, like to go clubbing, like to stay out late. But i dont see the joy in that. Ok, actually i like to stay out late but it depends on the company. I love to stay out with my church friends because i only see them once a week and i miss them so much from sunday to friday! But other "normal" teenage stuff i just cant appreciate.

Like drinking. I have never been a fan of drinking. Actually i feel that its a waste of money unless its once in a while kind of thing. Its very obnoxious of me to say this but i feel like i am some "high-class" lady with her nose held high and tsking at every non-constructive activity lol. For the lack of better comparison... a cultured lady (though i am nowhere immersing myself in fine arts) VS an ah lian. Dont know leh, i just find those things meaningless. And meaningless is not the way to live life!!

Err, at least to me.

But there are days when i wonder, am i missing out a teenage's life? Being a teenager is all about finding yourself. How? Through wasting your life and then realising how silly that was; by making all the wrong mistakes and learning from it; just living freely without restraints; doing stupid things and yelling "YOLO".

But i dont like it. I dont want to make the wrong decisions. I dont want to waste my life away. I think all those are stupid. People should be doing more constructive things. Maybe im just growing up too fast. Thats why i said i feel like some conceited tai-tai. I dont feel or act like a normal teenager.

There, arrogant me ):
But i just cant help feeling like that.

Sigh. I really dont know whats the point of this, really. Perhaps its penned up angst from everything. I just feel that there is so much life has to offer but we are just wasting it away. And yes, honestly speaking, i know that i am one of those people. Because i have no freaking idea what life has to offer, thus, dont know what i am wasting.

URGH!!!

Ok, it is safe to conclude that this entire post is written under great amount of frustration plus the fact that my eyes are going to close any minute and is therefore invalid. Good night and good day to all of you.

Updated: gaya just asked if we want to go clubbing on Sunday. I am deliberating. I feel like I should live life a little but i don't really like loud and crowded places. Honestly, I'd rather be alone but... I AM A TEENAGER!!! I SHOULD BE DOING THIS KIND OF STUFF ANYWAY!! What if I'm growing up too fast and just missing out on life?? Choices, choices, choices. Sigh.