I'M GONNA SING TO YOU DRY BONES

There is a stench of death in my spirit; A spiritual slumber in my soul The ground is dry  But.
The clouds are overhead.

THE FIGHT OF OUR LIVES

After years of going of declaring God's promises over our lives, this whole exercise of believing God for victories can easily become a prayer list of platitudes.

Sometimes you just write something for the sake of writing. Other times, the same points stretch over years and cynicism slowly creeps in. What's the use of writing all these?

And it was under such circumstances that I had to encourage others into sharing their breakthrough points for 2020. How was I suppose to lead the discussion when I myself wasn't convinced?

The simple answer: Get someone else to inspire them.

My 'someone else' just happened to be Steven Furtick. And who knew that I'd be so inspired by his sermon that I'd cry as I eventually share?

Perhaps I had been dismissing my emotions for the longest time over the different areas in my life that when I finally sat down to reflect, I realised how tired I was. The emotions all gushed out at once and accompanying it, my years of held-back tears.

How long has it been? How long more must I remain here?

More than victorious, I feel defeated. I feel like I'd never get out of this vicious cycle. I feel like I've been through the process so many times that I'm all chopped up dead inside.

But when we can't see the promises of God, when the progress seems so small, when we are too used to living in the drought that we are too battered to believe for rain again... this is when we need the support of our comrades.

God knew this and that's why at Elijah's lowest point, He said to him: "Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel – all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him."

You are not alone in this fight. There are others like you.

Sometimes when the promises of God seems so far from your reach that you just want to give it all up, you need to know that there are others running in the same race as you.

And sometimes when the promises of God feel so heavy that you can’t even muster the strength to mouth them, you just got to let your friends sing it over you instead.

Upon the faith of others, I will rise again. And through the strength of unity, I will continue to march on.

GOING SOLO

Many years ago, I came across this Taiwanese commercial about a stay-at-home wife and a always-not-at-home husband. Soon, the wife began to suspect that all those late nights her husband was pulling weren’t for work at all. She began to suspect that her husband was cheating on her.

One day, someone mis-texted the husband to ask where was he. The husband was by himself in the car... simply waiting.

Later on he revealed: “上班要当员工，下班要当老公，有是想当当自己。”
(I’m an employee at work and a husband after work. Sometimes I just want to be myself.)

Quite a few people have been asking me why I decided to go on a solo trip.

“Cause I needed to clear leave lor.”

Also because I’ve never been on a solo trip and I wanted to be by myself.

I didn’t think it was a big deal, but the more people asked, the more I realised that they weren’t questioning why I went on a holiday - if I had gone with a bunch of people, nobody would have cared - but the reason why I chose to go alone.

Why would anyone choose to go alone when they can choose to go with friends?

Here’s what I think: I think so much of our identity is tied to what others think and say of us, to the things we have in life, to the different roles we play - and we may not even know it.

Ervin Goffman says that the world is our stage and that we wear many masks in life. How I act in front of my parents is different from how I act on front of friends and it’s different from how I act in front of my boss.

This is not being two-faced; just that different roles require us to act differently. Can you imagine behaving the same way in front of your colleagues as you’d behave in front of your lover? It’s not about being fake because they are all you - just in different situations.

Goffman also proposes that the only time when you’re fully you is when you’re by yourself. Because then, you have no more roles to play, no more masks to put on. This is who you are.

Perhaps going on the solo trip signals to others that I'm lonely or that I am going through a rough patch – as some have asked me – because these are situations (or props, as Goffman would suggest) commonly associated with choosing to be by yourself.

But for me, I simply wanted to lay down my roles and responsibilities and be myself. I want to wake up, unrestrained by time, unrestrained by people and be free to roam about. I don't want to care what others think or say of me. This is my backstage, away from my daily life, where I can get to be alone.

But most of us are so entwined with the daily roles that we play that it has become our core identity. We cannot imagine getting away from our friends and family. We cannot imagine being alone.

Not that they are wrong or unimportant, but the question is, do we know who we are without all these? Or is our core identity built based on what we do and/or who we are to others?

Because what if my relationship doesn't work out? What if an accident takes away my family? What if everything I have is gone?

Will I still know who I am if without all these?

One day, I’ll lose my family and I’ll lose my dearest ones - I have already lost some of them to death. But God forbid that I would lose myself too.

***

The solo trip is what I’d have done if I were single, without family and without friends.

It has been my escape, but even the word 'escape' isn’t the perfect word choice. Because I’m not escaping anything per se.

This thought came to me while I was watching the sunset in Bangkok one day and saw birds dancing in the sky: "Even birds have a home that they return to at the end of the day."

I have a belonging. I have family, friends and loved ones that I will come back to at the end of the day.

But on some days, I just need to fly out and be (by) myself.

SEEING THE LIGHT 10 YEARS ON

All those days watching from the windows

All those years outside looking in

All that time never even knowing

Just how blind I've been

Now I'm here blinking in the starlight

Now I'm here suddenly I see

Standing here it's all so clear

I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur

All that time never truly seeing

Things, the way they were

Now she's here shining in the starlight

Now she's here suddenly I know

If she's here it's crystal clear

I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything is different

Now that I see you

Who would have imagined that I would be where I am today 10 years back?

A friend once told me out of everyone she was trying to outreach, I was the hardest because it didn't seem like I needed God. I led a good and sheltered life.

But if anything, the past 10 years has taught me that sometimes you don't need to have a need before being able to see God. Sometimes, you need to see Him before realising you have a need.

WITH EVERY BREATH THAT I AM ABLE, I WILL SING OF THE GOODNESS OF GOD

Months ago, I was tasked to take on a story about the life of a funeral director. While planning for the story, I came across this saying: Most of us would daydream and plan for our wedding even if it never happens. But not many of us would plan for our funeral even though death is certain.

And death doesn't have a timing.

When I first heard the song Goodness of God, I was busy serving in church trying to capture the worship moments. But the song was so powerful that I looked it up as I was heading home. Reading the lyrics fully for the first time, I thought to myself if I had a funeral service, this would be what I want the band to be playing.

I love You, Lord
For Your mercy never failed me
All my days, I've been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

To me, this song is the declaration of God's goodness from the start to the end; from the first breath of life to life's last breath.  And I don't know about you, but there are certain songs that I'm exceptionally drawn to – songs that paints the ideal picture of my final scene of life.

Take 10,000 Reasons for example. The reason why that song means so much to me is purely because of verse 3. When the end draws near and my time has come, I want my final words to be filled with nothing but praises of God.

With my life laid down
I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
'Cause Your goodness is running after
It's running after me

But you know what I like most about Goodness of God? The bridge. If anything, I can't help to deny how God has pursued me over the years. Even when I turned away from the people He sent, even when I conspired to run away from the church, He never gave up on me.

And just like how He has chased me in this lifetime, I believe He will continue to chase me in the afterlife. And because I believe He will come and take me home, I am not scared to lay my life down. I am not afraid of death.


I love Before The Throne Of God Above too. It talks about the confidence that nothing – not even death – can separate us from God. And as I'm writing this during suicide prevention week, together with receiving news of yet another pastor committing suicide, this topic has been on my mind.

I've never been suicidal and I can't say I understand why suicidal is such a real and large issue in society, but reading accounts and testimonies of people who came out with their stories have helped me to comprehend their perspectives a little.

I can't seem find the article now, but in it the writer wrote about his personal experiences on battling with suicidal tendencies. One of the most impactful point I read: Unlike the usual narrative of "How could they choose to take the easy way out and leave their loved ones behind?", people who commit suicide weren't trying to be selfish. In their own way of thinking, they thought that they were being selfless because they truly felt that their loved ones would be better off without them.

Depression and suicide are huge and complex issues. I'm still struggling to understand who, why, what, how, but if anything, I feel as though this song was written as an anthem for anyone who have struggled with death thoughts and succumbed to them.

As long as we choose to call upon the name of Jesus, our names will be written on His hands; we will never truly die.

And I hope this is something people will take away from my funeral service.